After deleting 11 more comments today from WordPress’s spam comment catcher box, I have to wonder. What’s with all the car dealership links? That’s been the bulk of them, all saying
“sorry 
<link here> blah blah blah <’nother link here> blah blah blah <another link here>”
There’s no shortages of cars in the world. Only of oxygen. There’s also no shortages of stupid people who think I’m actually interested in spam. Spam Spam Spam! Spamalot! Can it!
Alelluia Alelluia let the holy anthem rise…!
Okay, so last night just as class started (6:30 pm) my purse starts buzzing. Okay, I thought. Mom sent me a txt message. Then it buzzed again. Again. Oh, great. 5 min later, there was a chance to discreetly check it. I recognized the number. It was FertilityCare center. Oh, great. And they left a message. So I kept sitting there in class, thinking come on, let us take a break…come on…about 1 hr 15 min into class, we took a break. So I tried to check my messages. But I could not figure out the darn thing! I kept leaving myself messages while trying to check messages.
Then I got home, and asked my brother to tell me how to retrieve messages. So what did he do? He turned on the speaker phone and retrieved all the messages for me. And when we got to the FertilityCare Center message, he looked at me incredulously. “You called them?” Yes, for women stuff. And he looked at me weird after that. Okay, you know I’m single, I’m morally upright, d’you think I’m doing it just for the heck of it?
So finally I learned how to retreive messages. So I waited until 8 this morning, locked myself into a stall in the women’s bathroom that’s hardly used, and called them. And they answered! She said I was “on the right track” and that “you’d be surprised at how many college students come”. So I’m set up for an introductory session Thursday next week, that’s about an hour long. And if I like it enough, I get a packet to chart my cycles, a whole year’s worth of materials. 30 dollars for the introductory session, 25 for the packet. I’ve got to budget that in. Plus the meetings with the teacher will be 30 dollars each. It’s expensive. But I sincerely hope it works. I’ll just have to buy less stuff. But if you calculate it, the pill is costing 40 a month, so it’ll actually save money in the long run. I hope my parents might be able to help with the costs…maybe. Esp. if I stop the pill. I should be refilling it this week, since it’s the last week in the cycle. But I don’t want to. I’ll ask Mom when I get home.
Anyway, if you call in the morning, it’s not as busy. And when they get back to you, they’re very on top of things and organized and friendly and understanding…they already had a card started for me. And that they’ll definitely be able to treat the cause and she said they won’t put me on the pill…
Alleuia Alleluia! I’m just happy, and she understood that I just wasn’t satisfied with the pill. 
I really hope it’s worth the cost. 45 dollars the first night, chart for a few months, and go back for 30 dollars…that doesn’t sound so bad. I wonder if they have a college student discount…? that would be nice!
I’ll write about the introductory session soon.
Nothing yet…I think I said this already, but I sent an email to the group that’s at my parish…hoping to get a faster response…It’s only the next day, right? I wonder how long it takes for them to get back to me. I was afraid of this, of the institute being so busy as not to be able to take on another case.
Found the number, called again, still had to leave a message. But I remembered my area code this time. Let’s hope they call back soon. Today would be nice.
I just called the institute not too long ago. Had to leave a message…and I couldn’t understand the phone number for the fertility care center itself (in the information part before the message).
I’m waiting…I hope they don’t call during dinner. That would be bad. Wait…I forgot the area code. I wonder if that’s why they haven’t called me back? I hope not—! If only they’d answered in the first place! I’m going to look up the website, and see if the number’s there. To call again.
I’ll keep you updated…plus this is good for my own sake, to allow myself to understand the process.
After writing “He’d better be darn appreciative,” I got a very helpful comment from “Catholic”. You can see it for yourself, but basically her comment got me going more than anything else I’ve read. I had always thought that the Creighton method and other natural family planning thingys were for couples only…that you had to be married in order to really get to do anything about your horomones.
So I checked on Catholic Answers forums, asking for opinions and thoughts from people about CrMS for single people. 2 or 3 people wrote saying they were single and using CrMS…so I know I’m definitely not alone. That had been one initial factor keeping me from doing much about it. Because I had constantly run across NaPro and CrMS websites, as well as the Institute, while searching for solutions.
And somebody PM’d me on CAF, saying she was a CrMS teacher, and answered all my questions about the method, giving me the phone number for the Institute (in Omaha), and she gave me an overview of how it works. I’m gong to call tomorrow, and ask for the Fertility CareCenter, to set up the introductory session. Hopefully they can accomodate me so I can go during fall break. *crosses fingers*.
My biggest fear in the search for my underlying cause and for a true solution is that the doctors will look at my chart and say, Well, there’s nothing we can do about it. Except that you should stay on the pill. The lady from CAF said not to worry, Dr. Hilgers (the guy who founded the CrMS) will NOT put me on the pill. He will probably use horomonal supplements, though, to normalize my system, but it is the NATURAL way, following my body’s signals, instead of using a factory approach to it. That makes me feel better, though I’m still uneasy…I read Hilger’s book, Women Healed, and quite a few women said they needed progesterone supplements…and they got it through shots. Can you say ouch? And administering it to myself…that’ll be interesting. I just shivered. But…judging from the testimonials in the book, a 5 second pain is worth 28 days of normalness! I have no idea what is normal, because what I’ve gone through seems normal to me. And my mom. (I’m going through what she has gone through herself. If it holds true, then I will need CrMS for fertility awareness when I get married, because my mom had infertility problems.)
I really hope that the Institute won’t send me away. I’m always unsure until the event actually happens; I’m always afraid I’ll get turned down. But I’ll keep writing about my process, so that I can hopefully shed light on it for others.
But yes, I think I have at least something similar to PCOS. My mom was diagnosed in her early 20s. I mean, I’m not exactly hairy, but off the pill I had acne, etc etc. And I was sensitive to sugar. It’s not so bad on the Pill, but I still am sensitive to sugar overloads and dips. Eat too many Robin Eggs? I feel like I’m going to throw up. Being extra healthy today? I feel like I’m going to throw up. I have to try to keep it within some sort of range…though I’m not sure what it is. But I’m aware of my cravings. If I crave sugar, I’ll eat some, but I’ll balance it out with almonds (protein). Short-term and long term sugar level maintenance.
I probably have low progesterone too, as Catholic thinks I do. It makes sense. An overdose of estrogen keeps it hard for me to have a period. The Pill is even more estrogen, but puts an artificial control on my body. Sure, it may work. But I read online, the “period” is really only something-bleeding…can’t remember the term, but when you stop estrogen suddenly, your body reacts by bleeding. It’s not a real menstrual period.
I’m just glad my mom understands that I’m just not satisfied with my two doctors’ advice. I was afraid she’d be resistant to it, but she’s letting me at least go to the introductory session. She hasn’t been saying much about it though. I’m not sure why. But it’s still better than not going, and not knowing!
Though the real test will be insurance. I’m pretty sure it will be covered…but there’s always that chance it won’t be…hopefully it’s within the realm of affordability for a college student like me. Again my future husband had better be darn appreciative for all I’m going through.
On that subject, I keep thinking about B., whom I finally met. I had asked God to let me know who my intended husband is. And when I saw him, I didn’t think too much about it, except that he’s “right”. It’s hard to explain. Like all the other guys? They were like crushes. Like Z. Who’s still very cute. But it’s difficult talking and listening to him. But B., he’s cute, and I can understand him, and conversation comes easily…I found myself thinking…he’d make a good dad and husband. Maybe, maybe not. But I’m hooked on CCM (he’s the VP). I want to meet him in person some more times, to get to know him better.
Maybe I’m imagining it. But when I came into the room, he seemed pleasantly surprised to see me. And he kept sneaking looks at me. I did the same thing…I wanted to see exactly what he looks like in person. But I know that can be construed as flirting. But we kept looking at each other out of the corner of our eyes. I mean, we just met each other. But I wonder…he has cute eyes, you know. From what little I saw of them. Stupid relationship “rules”.
I have to say I prefer CCM over FOCUS. (Catholic Campus Ministry vs. Fellowship of Catholic University Students).
I went to two FOCUS meetings. First time was a long time ago, second time was last night. And I still can’t quite get into it. Not membership-wise, but mentally, you know? I’ve disliked the Pharisees-type people ever since I read that passage for the first time years ago. It’s hard to explain. But while each member of FOCUS individually are nice, when they get into a group like this, then I feel like a stranger. Maybe it’s the preaching. Most likely it’s that. I’ve never liked preaching. FOCUS is a lot like Bible school.
Whereas CCM, I’ve only been to one of their meetings so far, recently. And I love it! It was fun. It wasn’t like “Bible study” at all. I prefer it when people don’t preach/teach but by example. Not by totin’ and quotin’ Bibles. It makes it seem like they’re on shaky ground, and carrying a Bible around gives the illusion of a strong foundation. Dunno if that’s the right view, but it sure seems that way to me.
In CCM, I arrived like two minutes late. (Car trouble that was more like “driver trouble” but that’s another story). And they all welcomed me. There was another new girl there. I misstepped (why am I too honest? I don’t have to divulge all the first time I meet people! Yet it’s my tendency to explain my life on the first meeting. Perhaps I just like to know where people are coming from. But that’s another blog). But they overlooked it. We popped popcorn, talked, drank pop, ate watermelon. We talked for a long time. I felt at ease, whereas in FOCUS I feel like I have to be on guard, maintain a facade. CCM, I could be myself. We watched Freedom Writers, and nobody minded that I wanted the captioning on. We laughed at many of the same spots. It was a very nice fellowship. Not an actual meeting. More like a gathering, as B. said. Maybe that’s the difference.
I hope I can make it back soon! I’m glad they have weekly meetings, and I’m glad I met B in person finally. He’s even better than IM showed. ‘Course I’m just thinking, it’s not like anything would come of it, but he’s the first guy whom I think we’d be compatible. I don’t really know, but I just get that impression. I just hope God’ll give me a sign soon. Who am I supposed to marry?! I wish like a banner would come out of heaven or something, but that’s not likely. 
Dunno.
All I’m saying, my future husband had better be darn appreciative of all I’m going through for him.
Stupid horomones.
My cycles are really irregular, spaced really far apart typically. Perhaps that’s normal for me. But it’s not healthy, because when the lining isn’t shed, it just builds up and turns cancerous. Cancer aside, it would make me infertile. So that’s why my doctor put me on the ABC when I was 14. Quite young, you’re right. I almost wish I’d never gone on them. I tried quitting them completely, because a) I don’t like taking unnecessary medicine and b) I don’t like them as a principle.
But every time I got off of them, it’d go normally for two months maybe. Then it’d start getting very light and irregular again. And I’d get terrible moods. Seriously, I’d laugh one moment, then get angry the next, and right after that I’d cry, for no reason in particular. Last time I was off the pills was for most of my senior year of high school. I went fine for a few months. I lost the 5 lbs I always gain while on it. Then I gradually sunk into a kind of depression. I also started getting very dizzy–turns out that was b/c of migraines. And graduation day, I was still miserable–I should have been happy, but I wasn’t. Off the pill, I was hardly hungry, too. I actually lost 5 more lbs on top of the usual 5. Everybody was complimenting me! But I wanted to get my body under control again for my first year at college, and got back on the pill. I gained those 10 lbs back now. It was 5 at first, but then after this sophomore semester started, I think I’m gaining more weight. I’m just really hungry. Sometimes I can deal with it. But if I go too long without food, I start feeling faint and a general sick feeling.
And I’m sick of being…well, I know people say I’m not fat, but I feel that way. My stomach isn’t flat. It sorta bulges out. (And no, I’m not pregnant. In fact, I’ve even never had a boyfriend. Ever. But even if I did have one, I’m firmly set on waiting until marriage.) I should exercise more. But I have no time to do so. Note to self: Don’t take 18 credits next semester.
Anyway, I was sick of the pill again. Plus I sorta started a week early, even while on the med! So I went to see a diff. doctor about it today. My gyno just didn’t take the time to listen to me. The pill was the solution to every female complaint. So I, red-faced and teary for really no reason (I’d explained the whole thing to my mom matter-of-factly only the last week…darn horomones), explained the situation. He said that I should stay on the pill. After all, it regulates my cycles most of the time and my moods, it prevents cancer and a few other things I can’t remember. And the other synthetic horomone he mentioned, Depo-Provera, it causes women to gain on average 30 lbs, and he didn’t think I’d like that. (I don’t!)
He said I could also quit cold-turkey if I wanted. But if down the road I got married (he said 5 yrs, which is too long for me), taking the pill up to that point would make me more fertile. That was the shocker. I had heard other women say that they’ve heard of women becoming infertile while on ABC, and I didn’t want that. So, I talked all this over with, with my mom, and she thought that would be a good idea to stay on it.
Not what I wanted to hear, exactly. But now I’ve come to the realization (still under the influence of horomones) that this would be a sacrifice on my part for my future husband. Weight struggles, horomone struggles. All for the sake of future fertility. He’d better be darn appreciative.
On another note, there’s DUI. Driving under the influence (of alcohol.) There should be a DUIH. Driving under the influence of horomones. I had a hard time staying in my lane today. And I never play music, talk or text. I also kept driving 5 miles under the speed limit on average. I wasn’t tired. It was just horomones.
A second note: I’ve come more and more to realize that I’m meant to marry. But where are all the guys? I know of 6 single Catholic guys. D’you think one of them would ask me out? Yes, friendship comes first. But I dunno, are they afraid of being friends with me? B, Z, Jo, A, Ja, Ju…Not that it would be meant to be or whatever, but the irony of it…
But I never have time to write! Of course, I’m procrastinating right now. But I’m writing!
I think last semester I got uninspired because I was intimidated. My professor limited us to only “realistic fiction”, and that wasn’t necessarily what I like to write. Basically, I’m not that great of an observer in life to really know what makes people tick. And explain why they believe what they believe, do what they do. I prefer the fantasy world, or at least the slightly strange, because I can control it more. Realistic fiction is supposed to be controlled by an outside source. Fantasy, I am its sole creator. I base it in the real world, so it has a comparison or a grounding in something real, then I add something of my own to it. Like sci fi. But I’m experimenting with the “bizarre”. Not grotesque, but someting extraordinary. Like my dreams. I should have written this last two weird dreams down, but I’m afraid of what Freud would think of the dream I had last night. The night before was cooler. It was a ghost mystery. And I loved the house my unconcious created! I’d build it myself, if I won a million bucks. I’ll have to post it sometime. But I’m going to write it down for homework first.
This semester I’m finally getting inspired, but I’m having to put off my inspiration…I hope I’m not conditioning myself to ignore the muse! That would be bad. But rather, I’ll put it off until later in the semester, when most of the work is done, and I don’t feel like I’m drowning. Like in an avalanche, you’re supposed to “swim” with the tide to stay above and not get buried which is dangerous to do. I’m trying to swim with the homework tide and the pro-life group tide etc etc, to stay on top, but I’m getting tired, my brain doesn’t want to work, and I procrastinate, but I can’t rest too long. I must start swimming again, to stay on top, or close too the top. Rest too long, and you’re sunk. And I can’t afford to get a B, which I’m still afraid of getting. That will throw my GPA off. Which the A minus already did, but I don’t want a B, psychologically. I’d feel bad, sub-excellent. Awful. See ya. Getting back to work now. Bye. Maybe…dunno….should I leave you guys hanging?…Argh! see ya…I think….okay, now I’m stopping…I’ll post later, when more homework is done….maybe…stupid horomones. Throws my efficiency off balance. 
Man, have I been busy this week. 18 credit hours, 20 hrs a week at the library, plus writing for the student newspaper, working with the new pro life group, etc etc etc, this last week felt like it was a month long. Basically, I’m getting rundown. But the one thing I can always make time for (though sometimes I wish I didn’t have to do) is to go to Sunday Mass.
It’s a musical, peaceful break in the midst of a busy college life, the gentle cadence of up, down, kneel, sing, responsorials, is so relaxing, that I feel recharged. Literally, I do. I was getting emotional and frazzled. Yet I realize, this too, will pass. Soon our pro life group will get many members to help out, and I won’t have to do so much. Soon, I’ll take fewer credit hours, and do more extracurriculars that are more fun. Soon, I’ll have time to exercise.
But for now, one hour every Sunday morning, I slow down, pause, and reflect. I make time for joy. I make room for God in my heart. I let God take my troubles.
We had a bell choir today, plus piano, plus the adult choir, plus a flute, and it sounded beautiful (if not exactly professional). And music from Mass lives on past that hour…
Seed, scattered and sown, Wheat, gathered and grown, Bread, broken for all, the living bread of God. Vine, fruit of the land, wine, work of our hands, the living cup, the living bread of God… (this is from memory, and it’s probably imperfect, just fyi.)
Joyful joyful we adore Thee, God of glory, Lord of love! Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee, op’ning to the sun above. Melt the clouds of sin and sadness, Drive the dark of doubt away, We hail the immortal Gladness, Bringer of the light of day!
Really, going to Mass weekly is worth it! Just one hour, and you’ll feel recharged…:) Trust me.
