Society’s Fixation November 24, 2007

What’s up with society’s fixtation on sex and sexuality?! I’m fed up!! I’m sick of it! Blah! College seems to be the worst offender. In my English classes, all of my stories have possible sexual readings, and it seems like that’s the only readings my teachers can get from it. Ditto for Creative Writing. I had wanted to say this several times, but finally one of my classmates asked, “why are we reading another story about sex?” The teacher hadn’t realized all of her assignments for us had an element of sex or sexual abuse.

 Aargh! I want to say enough!

Tuesday there will be a speaker on campus, called “J-Spot” or something like that. Guess what he’s going to talk about? Yeah. Sex. I was invited to it as a part of a mass invite on Facebook. Still, I’m like, bleargh. To cap it, this guy I’m sorta interested in (or was) was the guy who was in charge of promoting it. When he told the entire group at Senate (during the “for the good of the order”) other people were nodding, even this other guy whom I had thought was too sweet and conservative to be swayed by it. I was stony faced through the whole thing, trying not to be too judgemental, you know?

Many of my friends like dirty jokes and dirty books. I’m sick of it. Yes, yeah, it’s a part of the human nature. I know. I know. I laugh at the good ones, myself. Like the one about the Deaf Pizza, by Keith Wann. That was funny. Oops. Opps. But everything in moderation. And it does not seem moderate at this time. It’s overflowing, and I’m trying not to think about it, to keep myself distant from it, but images and thoughts keep entering my mind and I keep wiping them away. I’m a visual person, so anything I read about, I can visualize, some more vividly than others. I keep imagining too many scenes from readings from class. And movies. I didn’t really need to know about that.

I’ll wait until marriage, thanks. I don’t want to learn too soon.

And again, I had pondered the meaning of hook-ups. What does that connote? I feared the worst. The guy I had liked is too far gone, yet I’m trying not to be judgemental. He didn’t tell me. Curse Facebook. I love it, I hate it. But yeah, I found out he went skinny dipping. With a girl. So, I believe that’s all it was, but what a temptation, you know? Stay away from it, it’s too risky. Even though it was dark. I still was like, oh, my, goodness. Is nobody safe? Are all the good guys the painfully shy guys?

I like spontaniety. I like surprises. I like sweet stuff. I like to listen, and to talk, and to care, and to be cared about. I like some straightforward stuff. Why can’t guys just give it a chance, just ask for a date, we go out once, to  get to know each other better, email each other, and see if we’re even compatible. If not, well, that’s okay, we can be friends. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never dated, perhaps this is too nieve. But yeah, I honestly will put forward the effort. You never know until you try, and all the good guys seem to be too shy to try.

Frustration! To say the least. But apparently it’s a good thing I haven’t dated yet. Guys can’t handle celibacy or even the idea of propriety yet. Good thing I have a plan that will tie up the next, oh, 5 1/2, 6 1/2 years or so. Maybe in 7 years men will be better (I doubt it, though).

After much thought, I realize being a nun is not for me. So that’s not an option. I’ll just keep myself busy with life and advocacy and work and school, because at this rate, I’m going to be single the rest of my life. Single is fine. I just wish I could say something about, “yeah, my ex boyfriend is doing such and such now” Maybe it’s because I’m the kind of person who once I make a committment, I generally stick to it. I plan. I prepare. It’s just that I choose not to be prepared about sex. It serves me no good until I’m married.

 You hear that world?! You hear that, all you men out there?! I’m waiting until marriage!! Pah! Phooey. I’m sick of guessing, I’m sick of hoping, I’m sick of waiting, I’m sick of planning. I’m keeping my options open, but I have standards. Not necessarily that high, you know, white horse and everything. But I do expect that you at least TRY to be pure.

I know what I’m praying about tonight and tomorrow morning. For this guy whom I had liked, whom was very nice to me on the bus to and from the hockey game, it seemed like we still hit it off. I pray for him. I pray for all men. I pray that I’m proven wrong, that there is such thing as a decent, slightly more outgoing man, who is also waiting.

Meanwhile, I’m too busy with life to wait around.

I can think of several swear words that involve sex, to use against society’s fixtation on sex. I’m sick of it.

I’m sorry for this outburst. I can’t possibly tell my parents, my brother. I sorta told my friend, and then the guy who’s sorta in charge of Catholic Campus Ministry, I guess he’s a missionary of sorts, about this J spot thingy, and the FOCUS missionaries are going to visit it, to see what’s going on in the college world. I can’t wait to see what this guy whom I keep mentioning has to say about this event that he’s heavily promoting. My point is, who can I tell? Whew, typing this all up makes me feel better. I was working on my report on Dracula (another heavily sexual novel), when I reached my tipping point. (Malcom Gladwell…and no I haven’t read it.)

Up next (when I have time) i will write about me about a year ago and me today, in relationship to sign language and the Deaf culture. Yeah, I had an interesting point. But it’s late. 11:40 pm now, and I have Mass tomorrow morning. And work. And I got to finish my stinkin’ paper that’s due Monday. I can’t seem to finish it. Hopefully I can tomorrow night. I have to!

Employment at deaf/hoh summer day camps? November 22, 2007

“A deaf person can do anything that a hearing person can except hear.” ~I. King Jordan

 Might be just a tad optimistic…many of the jobs I keep finding online ask for “good communication skills” “good verbal/listening skills” etc etc in that same vein. Others are “help desks” or “help patrons/customers” or the like.

 Hmm…I can hear well (in quiet/moderately noisy situations). But not on the phone…however I do have VRS system now, and could possibly use a TTY, that form of customer service. My signing skills are getting better…both my Deaf teachers have said that my signing is good (even though I know it still needs improvement…but just wait until the end of ASL 5 this summer). Everybody I know in networking situations says I’m easy to work with, always cheerful/optimistic, and a “real pleasure”.

No, I don’t mean to toot my own horn. I’m listing my skills, because, quite frankly, I’m not sure what sort of summer job would work well for me. I truly can do anything, except hear (and I can hear fairly well).

I’m going to see if the city’s newspaper needs a typist this summer. I’m also looking into this day camp thing my school puts on every summer…as soon as I find the contact info. I’d love to write. Or read to kids. I’d rather not do grunt work like janitorialing, because I already know first hand how thankless that is. Same for waitressing.

My current job as library page will probably give me a few more hours this summer, but not that many more, so either I have to get a second (better paying) job at the start of summer, then quit the library this fall. Let me say this: I love my library job! But I seriously need to make more money to save up for my 2nd yr senior year (scholarships would have run out by that point) and for grad school and Gallaudet.

My other option is a good summer job, like I already said. I need to take ASL 5 this summer, the session runs for like 6-8 weeks, I think? So it’d be from like mid May to end of June, something like that. So I can work some sort of job during the day, then the classes will be held at night.

My other thought is summer camp. Some camps go on a weekly session basis, other camps are full (day/night) camps for 1-2 weeks and that’s it. So…I could possibly travel out of state to help out at these camps. The YMCA? That’s okay…but what I just thought of was a camp for deaf/hoh kids and teenagers. I heard that Gallaudet had a sort of summer camp program? Some states also have deaf camps–mine does not, but I may be able to travel to work at these camps.

My first choice would be Gallaudet. So, does anybody know about their program, what sort of employment they offer? Room/board (even in a tent counts), salary, etc. I can do my own transportation; I’d probably take the train there.

Okay, yeah, this all sounds stupid, but I really don’t know where to start. I don’t know what questions to ask. I know this knowledge comes with experience, and one can ask another, more experienced, person for advice and tips, and that is what I’m doing here.

I’m sure I’m really early, possibly jumping the gun here. But I hate uncertanity. Plus I’m procrastainating off homework.

Dualistic nature… November 11, 2007

Man, it’s weird. Here I am, on the verge of the entire Deaf culture (learning ASL, going to Deaf gatherings, got the videophone, etc) I am also becoming more “hearing”.

I just discovered music.

Yes, I know, I knew music existed. And that I liked some of them, but my tastes were very very limited, mostly limited to songs I had memorized at least 2 verses to. Music was just a minor annoyance at best, and at the very worst, it was played at full blast in social situations…need I say more? It was just noise to me. I didn’t understand it yet.

But guess what? I went to see Across the Universe. What an amazing movie. Though the middle was a bit weird. And I fell in love with it. And with the soundtrack; a friend copied it over  for me and I’ve been listening to it. And I realized…I’m not limited in music areas after all. My fear of music was mostly a conditioned response from having only hearing aids all these years, then I got my implant, and gradually it improves every single day, even now, 2 1/2 yrs later. The movie I could understand say, 70% of the dialogue, which is a HUGE deal. Usually I get closer to 40% or even less.

Anyway, I had told my friends that I was eager to learn more music (yes, I learn, not listen to it…it takes work to understand this new language). And they’ve given me suggestions…one friend told me about the Yahoo.com music videos, which also has lyrics so I can understand it better. I’ve listened to/seen/read Carrie Underwood’s “So Small”, and plan to listen to more. I’m excited!

Here I am, strengthening my ties to Earth, at the same time I’m finding my footing in Eyeth. Wonderful, wonderful! At first I was going to say it was a schizophrenic feeling, but that wouldn’t be the proper use of that word…I’m not losing track of reality (though I do get a bit flighty at times). The better term is “dualism”. I have these two halves of myself, and I’m going to make an effort to strike an even balance, to make both sides strong alike, as my martial arts self defense instructor says. You have to exercise both sides to balance yourself.

What a breakthrough in thinking. Sounds stupid, I know. But even the smallest step toward “enlightenment” (I use that term loosely) is a big deal.

 I’ll be among the minority of people at Gallaudet, those who listen to music.

Need a new job…any suggestions? November 9, 2007

Well, I love my job working in the library, shelving/checking in books. But I simply don’t make enough money. Just enough monthly for half of my car, all the insurance, and all the gas (currently my dad is paying the other half since he uses it sometimes). I had planned relatively conservative, and figured I’d have left over money every month that I would sock away for living on my own or for Gallaudet.

But, it’s a mixed blessing lately. I’ve been invited to meet with the state university president. Not campus president, note. university-wide president. At his house. For either my leadership or scholarship (or both?) I’m not sure which. So I asked off for that. I asked off for the KC student government conference. Plus the library is closed holidays. And the way my library system is set up, if you ask off, you usually get it off, but there’s not much flexibility. If you ask off, you’re off. You can’t work, say, Monday nights and make up for a Sunday of work lost. So, I’m not making as much money as I had planned. I have a good cushion right now, about 4,200 dollars, so it’ll last me for a little while. And I don’t have to worry about tuition or books next semester….all that’s covered by financial aid (scholarships + loan).

But 6.70 an hour is simply not enough. I won’t be getting another raise until (est.) Oct or Nov next year. Maybe even later. I will be getting a second summer job. Perhaps third, if it’s possible for me to do that and take summer classes. We’ll see. I have a  tendency to “punish” myself; my eyes are bigger than my schedule. Spring will be grueling, 19 credits, 3 hrs a week teaching sign language to kids, plus activities, plus work. But all the honors I’ve been getting are cutting into work hours!

I also want to move to the dorms sometime soon…maybe in the fall when the new dorm complex opens? Hopefully I can become RA…(free room and board!) However, I would need a car to go to and from work, a car all my own. If that means Dad doesn’t want to help pay for it, I’d be paying about…oh, say, 350 a month on insurance and payments. Add 100 for gas. 450. If I’m not RA, then I’d need food (I’d just take out a loan for the room). Say 100 a month. And money for hearing aid/cochlear implant batteries (200 a year). And incidentials, say another 100 dollars a month will cover everything from doctors to dates.

Whoa. It’s expensive. Not to mention I need to buy more assistive listening devices (eg, smoke alarms) before I move out. I keep thinking that perhaps if I didn’t need to worry about hearing aids and the like, then I could skimp more. However, that’s the way things are.

I wouldn’t mind taking out loans, but the terms of my bank’s student loans specifies repayment starting 6 months after graduation. Graduation from where? If I go directly from my school to Gallaudet and grad school, would I still be considered to be in colllege? Or would I be stuck paying the loans while going to two schools in another state? I’m looking for an email address so I can ask the bank. (Any insights here would be helpful…how did it work for you? Did graduation mean final graduation, as from grad school or something?)

And I’d prefer to keep loans for school costs, like room, board, and books, since interest is so high. I’d pay the car and incidentials with my wages. So, if I work 20 hrs a week, and need to spend about 600 a month (on the high side). um…not going to happen. Where would I find a 30 dollar an hour job? Okay, say I spend about 400 a month. 20 an hour. Um…that probably won’t happen either. Okay, even 10 to 15 to 18.75 an hour would be awesome. Plus I’d work extra during summer to save up for the rest of the year.

So, do you know any jobs that deaf people can do that make that much money? My mom’s thought (I was speaking in hypothetical, so she volunteered ideas) was a sort of deaf telemarketing or deaf receptionist or something. Like for a hotel, if they have a TTY line, I’d staff that line. That would be awesome! Or even a VP, but I’m not quite good enough for that. Not for a couple more years. But I don’t know where to start.

I’m not in any emergency. It just would be nice if I had it by next fall, maybe. Preferably starting this summer, so I could learn how to work for whomever it is. So, for now I’m keeping my eyes open for any possibilities. Any ideas would be welcome!

I love writing, reading, editing, drawing, and the like. I wouldn’t mind working with Deaf people or through the internet. I’d like steady, yet flexible hours that I could work around honors and such. It needs to pay more than 7.50 an hour, if possible, with plenty of opportunities to increase that amt.

In the meantime I’m also casually buying lotto tickets…just in case

I was hoping to write a uplifting post but… November 7, 2007

I. Hate. Horomones.

There, I got that out of the way. I’m just really weepy all the time. I was on a high from the weekend, when I went to a student senator conference in KC, but that came crashing down on Monday. Blue Monday. Blue Tuesday and Wednesday. Blue tomorrow too…that’s why I’m planning on going to CCM tomorrow night. I hope something good happens tomorrow, because I’m on the verge of crying for no good reason.

Exhibit A. Thursday. I spent 5 hours signing in ASL lab, just chatting away about anything and everything with the students coming in and out of lab and with the teachers and stuff. That was awesome! But downer: I should have been studying. I meant to study, but everything came piling on and didnt’ get started til Weds night, and got a headache so went to bed, thinking sleep would help me think better. Nope. I got my scores back. Got a 192 out of 267. Calculate that for yourself.

Exhibit B. Football game Thurs night, woke up early Fri morning to board a big bus with other student senators to go to KC. That was fun. Got half of a book finished, called Deaf World. I should have brought homework, but I knew I probably wouldn’t get it done. Which turned out to be right. Conferences all day, but it was a ton of fun talking with people. Went out on the town after 5, on the Plaza (which is really, really pretty). Didn’t know where everybody went, so I went wandering around by myself (!) keeping self defense instructions in mind…awake, aware, and on guard. Came back, went with an acquaintance to meet up with others for dinner. Dinner was great. Sat with a group of friends, across from a guy I was interested in. Another guy joined us, I was like, who are you? I mean, I knew he existed, but never really met him. Turns out New Guy is really nice, and he actually was interested in what I had to say. Got to know him a little more that night, me, two girls, and New Guy went to “Across the Universe” which is a really awesome movie btw, even if the middle is a little…interesting… After the movie we walked back to the hotel, stopping along the way to climb on statues, take random pictures, joke around, talk about the movie, etc. Got to the hotel at 1 am, didn’t get to bed til 1:30, didn’t sleep well at all that night, a little upset stomach, a little thinking about the movie, a little wondering about New Guy, is he worth getting to know? Probably a total of 3 hours sleep. Woke up, went to the Truman Library, and you know, got to know New Guy a little more. Funny, that’s for sure. We have a similar sense of humor. He’s Catholic. Still nice. Doesn’t seem to be bothered when I asked him to spell a word I couldn’t hear, and when I asked him to repeat something, acted as if he did that all the time. Got to know him more on the bus. On the bus ride back, a couple of times I saw him looking at me. Including one kinda sweetly awkward moment, like I looked up because I sensed him looking at me, but he didn’t look away, he kept looking at me, so I turned my head away because I didn’t know what to do, then looked back, and he was still looking at me. I shifted my gaze (probably blushing) and then looked back, and he was still looking at me, smiling a little bit. So, was that something or was that because he didn’t have his glasses on? (he can see, his prescription was similar to mine, a little weaker–yes I tried on his glasses). He said he’ll make a copy of the Across the Universe soundtrack for me, give it to me tomorrow at the Student Government meeting. Boy, I couldn’t wait until Thursday.

Exhibit C. Monday. Blue monday. Yucky monday. I was in a great happy mood, chatty with everybody. Then a friend was talking about her great weekend too, and then mentioned “you know, I’m not a virgin anymore, but I love him!” Whoa. Back up. What about me indicated that I like to talk about that stuff? But hey, I know college students sleep around. For some reason that started to affect me. I didn’t show it to her face, though I did encourage her to stay chaste for the rest of the way until she’s married.

Later that monday, I was invited to a sex-ucation class at my university, by so called New Guy. Then I saw him a few moments later, but didnt’ show it them. But later for some reason it affected me. Disappointment I guess, but really, I didn’t use to be affected by other peoples’ decision unless they directly affected me. In retrospect, it’s small in comparison. He probably thinks the class will be one big joke. I was a part of a mass email list, so he didn’t really care who he sent invitations out to. Now i feel a little better, a little more prepared to see him on Thursday without turning into an emotional wreck.

Exhibit D. Last night was a little better. I went out to eat with a ASL friend, talked about a lot of stuff, mostly about ASL. Downer, price of dinner, though I got a 15% student discount. Downer: Got back to campus later than I thought, and had to run 10 mins from parking to class. Carrying 20-25 lbs of stuff. In heels. Stumbled a couple of times, twisted it a bit, but thank goodness it didn’t hurt too much today unless I turned it wrong.

Exhibit E. I don’t like Wednesdays much either. Same classes on Mon are on Weds. Yucky. Wished an acquiantance a happy birthday, and on Facebook  a general invite to everybody to meet up at a restaurant tonight. At 9:15. Whoa, I wish he said 7! Then I would be willing to go. But I’m feeling yucky. Perhaps a little SAD. And 9 seems late. And I still have to study for a test on Fri. I can’t afford to bomb that one too. I need an A in the class to get honors credit.

So, tomorrow is ASL lab and class. That always makes me happier. Too bad I can’t make the city assoc. for the deaf night this month. But I can next month. And I need to ask Teacher about the state assoc. gathering in Dec…it’s on a Sat, when I usually work all day. So, I may have to ask it off, but if it’s in the other city (an hour away) I can’t make it, since even though I’m an adult, I can’t drive on the highway. I’m confident in my own ability. But my dad is not. Plus he warned that it was half his car. So if its in my city, then I can go. I sincerely hope so. Even though it’s a wine and cheese event (whatever that is) I can still go though I’m underage. (I told Teacher when he mentioned it that I would bring sparking grape juice and if anybody asks, I can point to my glass and say yes, I’m 21) He laughed. (A silent one, of course).

Boy, am I disjointed in my thoughts. I try to tell some friends bits and pieces, but they just don’t quite understand enough to hear it all, so I give up, and tell them it’s a bad time of the month for me. Which it has been for a week and a half now. Up down up down up down.

Anyway, I must admit I am looking into dorm living…as long as I can be RA. But it won’t work at all if I can’t have my car, ’cause w/o car means no work. And it’s only half mine because I pay for half, and Dad the other half because the family uses it occasionally. If I move out, then it’ll either be all his or all mine. And I can’t afford paying the whole amt. I’m afraid to ask. Anyway, being an RA means free room and board. I don’t care about the responsibility, I can handle it. Anyway, they’re going to need new RAs for the fall because the new dorm complex will be opening then. Prime time, don’t cha think? I just need a car, then I’m all set!

Plus my dog isn’t dead yet. yes, that sounds morbid. But I don’t feel like I can just pass off the responsibility to someone else just so I can move out. That’s not right. Yet I don’t want her to die. She is old. I think 10 yrs old now, actually. Maybe 11. Wow, that is old. But she doesn’t have any “problems” just a little more persnickety. So, 3 conditions. Need a car, dog needs to be either dead (man I hate saying that) or somebody needs to not mind taking care of her for me, and need to be an RA for free room and board, preferably, since I will be going to Gallaudet and have masters education, so that’s more in tuition I will need to pay. If I was just going for the four years in one major, then yes, I’d move out in a heart beat, I could make it. But that’ll be a lot of debt.

 That’s the other thing weighing on my mind, Gallaudet. Don’t get me wrong, I want to go for sure. It’s my slightly tweaked goal. But I haven’t told my parents yet. Even when I told mom I was thinking about being RA, and she asked me where would I live when I graduated? Umm…Gallaudet? but I didn’t say that. I hedged and said Missouri, because that’s where the master’s program is (despite it being online). I’m going to wait a long time before telling them. Probably my senior year, when I have to apply.

Already I’m looking to save/make more money, including a summer job. I want to save up money for either dorm living next fall or the fall after. And for Gallaudet. And to go on trips of my own. Not a family trip stuck in a car with my little fussy siblings for 14 hours to visit Great Grandma. I want to go to KC again to the Plaza. Or to DC, road trip! to Gallaudet. Something. I’m itching to be on my own. Esp. since almost all my friends are living in dorms/sharing apts/sharing houses, they get to come and go as they please, while I have to be home by 11, not as curfew, but to keep from waking anybody up, is mom’s terminology. I wish my siblings weren’t so stinkin’ young.

Man, yeah, this is a stupid downer post, and I apologize for posting one like this one yet again. It really stinks. But who else can I  tell?  I don’t know anybody through my blog as a close friend, but a world of strangers for some reason are good people to vent to, because I know this post will be read, and if commented on at all, the comments won’t really mean anything because I don’t know them. Yeah.

So I hope tomorrow is better. I’m definitely stopping by CCM after student government. And I may crash Theology on Tap if I get out of meeting early enough…yeah, I’ll do that I feel better already. Secrets make me feel better…won’t tell mom or dad. And hopefully I’ll see some people there. I just want to get out of the house. The KC trip really made me antsy because independence and not telling mom or dad that I was out til 1 in the morning was really freeing. Sounds bad, but it’s true. Yeah, I’m looking into RA. Hopefully Dad’ll buy another car, he’s finishing the last payment on the family car in two months, so…it’s a distinct possibility. I just want to get out now. Have fun. Good thing I’m taking 18 credits this semester and 19 next semester, so I can take more decent schedules the next 3 years to make time for other fun things.

 Thanks for listening. I’m signing off now to do homework.

I’m not technically bored, but I need a break from homework. October 31, 2007

I’ve got a lot of things on my mind, and I’m just looking to download the info so I can get to sleep!

Well, I was looking into what I mentioned in my previous post, a ASL degree at Gallaudet. According to their course catalog, I can apply for undergrad admission after I have my degree from a different university. When I go this route, I don’t have to bother with the general ed classes, just the major-related ones, so that’s two years! I can actually do a major in ASL and a minor in Deaf Studies in the two years, unless I want to get ambitious again…(which I’ll probably just hold myself back from getting another double-major).

I would be working on my Library Science masters from Mizzou at the same time, since most if not all the classes are totally internet meditated. (Note to self: get more info on this). And while I’m at Gallaudet for two years, I can either or both do an internship at the Library of Congress and work at the Gallaudet Library. The latter would probably suit my goals more.

You see, (if I haven’t explained it already), it seems that many culturally Deaf people don’t read. I mean, I understand that. Their first language is ASL, and it’s hard learning a second language. But I want to change that, and encourage kids (and adults) to read more, and take the time to learn English. Reading opens up a lot of doors! It just over-all brightens your life IMO. So, by taking more time in my studies to better learn ASL, and maybe even working at the Gallaudet Library, would give me great experience for my goal.

 So, looking up all this info, (printing off tons of pages at 3 cents a page) I got really excited. I decided to see if it’s possilble to graduate in 4 years instead of my planned 5. 2010 instead of 2011. So, I added up all the credits of all the classes I have to take to graduate with my double major and it is a total of 92 more credits. And this is accounting for the classes that count for both majors (I didn’t count those classes twice). So, if I take 12 credits each of the next two summers, and 16-19 credits each of the four semesters in the two academic years, then I can graduate in Spring 2010.

Uh….what about my life? I got to thinking. Wait a minute. I wanted to take it easy(ish) so I can get more involved with my city’s Deaf gatherings. So, I’m stuck with 2011. Which is okay…I think. 2nd year senior and all that. Then go to Gally for two years, and graduate there in 2013. (unless I do a double-major there…2014…wait, stop thinking about that!!!) And then see where I am with my masters. I’m not going to kill myself for it. I can get a good job and work toward that degree, if I graduate from that in 2013 too, that’s great!

See, I have a little time to spare. I checked on my Stafford loans, to see when I had to start repaying them. I need a good job base before I start up the montly (scary) payments. Whew! November 11th, 2015. So, if I have to graduate from the masters in 2014, I’ll still be alright. Plus once I’m kicked off my parent’s insurance at age 24 (4 more years) I may then be eligible for SSI, and maybe then VR will help pay for tuition?

But it’s all worth it. See, the East coast has it’s share of Deaf community. The West coast seems like it does too, since DawnSignPress is in California. But what about the middle? It’s kinda sparse. It sounds corny, but I really want to improve the services and community here. We have a smallish community. But if I can get more theaters to have captioning, more companies/schools aware of Deafness, more schools offer ASL classes (or even the degree itself), etc etc. then maybe more Deaf people will move here/stay here, and that in turn would boost the community feeling which in turn will boost more interest…

 Or this may all sound nieve and far too hopeful (as some cynics have actually told me I often sound like), but either way I still want to be librarian for the deaf.

Whew…5-6 more years to go of schooling…good thing I love learning, huh?

Man, does time slip by fast! October 28, 2007

Well, I’m not sure when my last post was, but it’s time for a new one, with updates from the past week (or was it two weeks?).

 I went to see VR on Thursday. I guessed she was deaf from the way she writes her emails; you know, me being an English major I tend to be able to guess who wrote what from how they write. They were in good English, just slightly “off”, if that makes sense? Some of the verbs didn’t have verb endings, etc. And when I went to see her, she both signed and talked, mostly signed. So I was right! It was about time I intuited something right! She mostly signed, and so I both signed and talked. It turns out there’s not much they can do for me right now. I’m still in college, and I have a job, and so she didn’t even mention monetary support. Plus I felt it would be rude to ask, because I’m pretty self-sufficient. It’s not like I’m hurting for money, though I am on a college student’s budget. Looking toward the future, however, VR said she could help me then. When I’m ready to look for a real job, come see her, and then they can help me find a job, apply, interview, get, and keep the job, and provide whatever accomodations I might need, like a TTY, or a videophone, etc. Or even an interpreter. I’m nearly at the point when I can understand most of what anybody is saying in ASL, which makes me very excited! VR says they also will be my advocate, so I shouldn’t be “dismissed” just because I’m deaf.

 After the end of our fairly short meeting she said I signed pretty well, which I thanked her for. She said that because we had been talking about the Sorenson free VRS equip., and they ask you if ASL is your primary language. She told me to say yes, because I know enough to converse with. So, when I got home, I filled out the app! No idea how long it will take for me to get it, but whenever is okay. It probably would be more useful after this semester, once I’ve finished ASL 3.

There wasn’t another deaf game night this week. Asked him when the next one was, he said he wasn’t sure, but thought it would be in two more weeks. I hope he’s right, because I don’t want it to be this friday! I want it to be next friday, as this weekend I’m going on a Student Senate conference in KC, MO! (All paid for by Student Government, which is awesome!). Plus it’s mandatory, so I can’t beg out of it. So, I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Maybe they’ll also have a Christmas gathering? I’m definitely am going to try to make that one if they do.

Haven’t heard anything from Gallaudet for a while. But I’m kinda doubting I’ll go for a while. I am toying around with the idea of graduating from my univ, then going to Gallaudet for a undergrad degree in  ASL, which will take about 2 years, possibly less. Because then I won’t have any scholarships to worry about losing; I could also possibly qualify for SSI or VR payment then, as well. And also then, I can complete my library science masters while at Gallaudet, since I beleive it is all online. I’d better check into that, though. But perhaps then I could work at the Library of Congress, for a great resume builder…man, I’m getting excited! I think this is probably a better plan, even though I’m going to have a heck of a loan to pay off later. I should try to publish a book, and have it take off, so I can actually afford my monthly loan payments…!

 That reminds me. I’m seriously am considering adding a third major. Yes, I am crazy, thank you for telling me! I have no idea if it will work, or if I will still be able to graduate in 2011 (I’m a sophomore, so technically I should graduate in 2010, but double majors means one more year). So, I’m going to see if I can get an appt. with a College of Education advisor and discuss this. Oh, yeah, the major would be Educational Interpreting. A non-teaching degree. I have a goal of encouraging Deaf people to go to libraries, having signed story times, etc, because it seems like nearly all the deaf people i’ve met don’t read much. I had always assumed they’d be bookworms like me, but  I guess not.

Anyway, the reason why I want to talk with the advisor is because I’m deaf. I’m not necessarily going into it for interpreting reasons; I have a hard enough time myself to understand people! It’s just to further solidify my signing skills, and to learn how to translate stories from books into sign. So, I don’t want to go on a practicum, nor do I want to “learn how to interpret in a variety of fields under a variety of conditions”. I’d fail those things. But this perhaps is a moot point if I decide to go to Gallaudet for the ASL degree after I graduate. But perhaps s/he can guide me in the right direction. Or perhaps I can get my univ to create this program, to attract more students?

 *Sigh.* Okay. So I’m looking into a Deaf World Day event, right? Turns out my committee doesn’t actually plan events. It just basically helps to advertise. And even if I’m liason for the something or other disability agency, I don’t plan events. So I’m going to try to talk to the agency director (but I have a sneaking suspicion that it is a student, and not a permanent one like I originally thought it was going to be) and see what she thinks about this. Perhaps she’ll add it to the list of events?

I still want to raise money for my state’s deaf school museum (the school shut down nearly 10 yrs ago). Currently they’re housed in two rooms that the current inhabitant of the building graciously gave to them. But they want to raise money to fix up the oldest building on campus, to the tune of 1 million dollars. Well, if I can get every student in each ASL class at my univ to donate, say, 2 dollars each, that’s about 200-300 dollars right there. That’d buy paint. I’m going to talk to the guy who’s working on the museum, see how I can go about donating that money.

For honors credit, I can do the TAG program. For honors public school students. I’ve been thinking about teaching ASL for a long time, and now just am feeling like I know enough vocab and linguistics to teach younger kids. But public schools? I hated them! I was so lost and generally not quite “one of them”, though all were nice to me. So I asked my honors program, homeschoolers are like honors students, can I teach them? One tentatively said yes, and I’m waiting on the director to give it the official approval. I’m also waiting on my parish to get back to me; the business manager said I should be able to get a schoolroom for free, but has to clear it by Father first. So, I’m taking the lesson plans so generously provided on Lifeprint.com, and modifying them slightly for the target audience. And get this: I’m paying $400 in tuition to teach! If I pay tuition for the “internship”, I get official honors university credit for teaching. The librarians laughed when I told them this. I’m afraid to tell anybody else though, because homeschoolers are really nice. They can be cheap, but they do try to show their appreciation at the end of any program, by bringing in sweets, or pooling their money together to give a gift basket. And I would feel weird if they gave me something. I really don’t mind paying, I would teach either way, even if I didn’t get any credit, official or unoffical. So, I’m probaly not going to tell them that fact, because I don’t want them to feel obligated to chip in to help with tuition. That would feel really weird.

I’m glad I went to Mass this morning. It provides a steady hand to my weird life. I was feeling a little lonely. Not for family, or friends. I just keep seeing all these “couples” around campus, and feel a little pang, and my hand light. I don’t have a hand to hold, walking to class. Etc. And even though there are plenty of guys, of nice guys, of nice Catholic guys who are single, okay, none of them seem to have shown much of an interest in me. So, I wonder, is it me? But I prayed in church today before Mass, and then the rest of the day I felt patient (for once!). He will provide, as corny as that sounds. I used to laugh, but now I know it’s true, though I have no “proof” of it. It’s just a feeling. So, part of me is patient. Part of me is still lonely. And part of me is wondering with every single guy I see, “is he the one?” Then the pateint part keeps telling the wondering part to shut up, stop imagining. It seems to only set me up for disappointment.

What seemed to help is that in the ladies home journal, they talked about how daydreaming is good for you. That gave me license to daydream about how I may encounter my future boyfriend. In the library, at the bookstore, in a class next semester, etc. He doesn’t have an official bodily form. I don’t have any hard and fast “rules” about guys. Neither do I have one about him being hearing or deaf. I don’t care, but lately they’ve been about a deaf guy. He must be self-actualized, though. I wouldn’t date a needy, stupid, or absolutely serious/shy hearing guy, nor will I a deaf guy like that. But I did dream last night that I had twins! I was so happy I always have loved children. That’s another thing. He must love dogs, and must love children.

Anyway, writing helps too. I’ve been altering these dreams slightly, daydreams, whatever. And writing them up as a manuscript for writing class. I hope they don’t catch on that is actually real, for a fiction class.

Part of my rollercoaster emotions right now is horomone related as well. Remember how I went on CrMS? I had lost all appetite for nearly 4 weeks, and lost 8 lbs. Starting 2 nights ago, I got my appetite back! That made me happy, but oh great, just in time for halloween. Ate a lot, stepped on the scale this morning, and apparently I’m at 140. Better than 145, but I liked it better when it was 137! So, I have to moderate myself again. Some of it is just emotional hunger…when I was feeling blue Friday and Sat, I had a lot of chocolate, (hot chocolate, bite size halloween candy, etc). I didn’t pig out, but it felt like it since I had been so picky with food lately.

I sorta miss the pill already. Stupid horomones. But I certainly hope that if I hang in there, the doctor will be able to figure out what does all this, and treat the source. I’m just glad he will never prescribe the pill again! From my share of research, it seems I may have a progesterone defiicency, and the pill is largely estrogen, which I don’t need.

Wow, I just spent a long time on this. I’m going to shut up now, and try to figure out how to keep my mind on homework.

This has been an amazing weekend… October 20, 2007

Well, first off it’s midterms.

No, wait, that’s not why I like the weekend. (Though I am actually looking forward to ASL midterms…!!!) It’s fall break too. I only get a couple of days off, but it makes a world of a difference, because I need to get some homework done, because of all the fun I’ve had lately…

Last night, I carpooled with a ASL classmate to the Deaf Assoc. Game Night. I’m glad we carpooled, though I’m perfectly capable of driving myself, because we got lost. We’d never been in that part of town before, and it wasn’t the greatest part…We got lost, somehow ended up in a dead end behind a Goodwill and near a jail, I believe it was. And the county warehouse. I’d never seen it before. Neither had she. So she called her husband (see, if it were me, I’d have been like permanently lost). “Um, where are we, and where are we going, and how can we get there?” Waited for his computer to load MapQuest, finally 10 minutes later we were on our way. It was dark by now. We would be fashionably late. I read the signs while she navigated the roads…our street came up suddenly, and I said, here it is, turn left! She veered left (wow, can she navigate her little car…that’s one thing I’m not mentioning to Mom and Dad). We thought we were lost again…but then I remembered it was on 40th, and we were still on 42nd. Plus we reasoned, all the cars in the street were probably for the game night too. We found it! It was an actual building, rather run down, too, but it had a simple sign out front. We were so excited, we made it! But boy, was J. nervous (she was the one who drove).

“I’m about to throw up…I’m so nervous! I don’t know why I’m nervous!” (her) “We got lost, we finally made it, and I’m not going to let you back out now!” (I said jokingly). We walked in, and signed in. What struck me most was (I know this is obvious, but bear with me) I saw noise. But it was absolutely silent. It was a bit disconcerting. All these people talking, I should be overwhelmed by now! I’m usually bewildered in crowd situations like this, “what the heck is going on…?” sort of thing. But no. For the first time in my life, I could socialize easily in a large group of people. That felt so SO nice…a on the top of the world feeling! It was an amazing experience, if it were that alone. Wow. This is what it’s like for hearing people…wow!

I met a lady whom I had very falteringly communicated with at my old job (a restaurant). Then, she didn’t speak as well, and I could hardly sign. Now, she is taking voice lessons with J., and now I am in ASL III. Everybody socialized for an hour, then we played games for an hour. Finally my ASL teacher came, with his parents and one of his siblings, during the game times, and J. and I felt a little sigh of relief…we’re no longer strangers in a strange land. We know him, and he knows everybody else. The boundaries started to cease.

My table, we played some sort of game I forgot the name of (it started with an S, that much I know), but we kept getting sidetracked, signing away to each other. It was awesome being able to play a game in a group, and understanding the side conversations without going “What? What?” all the time. I could carry on a meaingful conversation (within the large boundaries of my vocab) for once in my life, in a social situation like this. Wow.

After an hour of failing to complete a full game, the facilitator at 9 said to stop and clean up, and this signalled the depature of some people. But many lingered, chatting for two more hours. At least, J and I did. Others lingered even more. I found out my ASL teacher’s family is very very nice. By this time I was quite adept at explaining my mini life story. (parents found out I was deaf at 2, raised hearing, etc etc). His mom said it was never to late to learn sign, she was glad I was doing so at all, in a very happy way. His dad asked a few questions, he didn’t speak much. His younger sister was great too…I was never that well-adjusted at that age.

Teacher then introduced me to several people (to whom I also had to explain a little bit of myself, like my major, etc), telling them how proud he was of me (with a slightly red face) and I thanked him, a little bewildered…why was he so proud of me? Maybe he considers me to be the best student in class? I’m not quite sure, but I do know that I pick up on signs rapidly, I mean, sign language just makes sense to me (as well as English). And the other students regularly ask me what the sign for such and such was (75% of the time I remember the sign, or can figure out the cryptic drawings in the book). And for my signed speech in class (again, life story) he said I had a good flow. So, I’m guessing he’s referring to that?

Side note: Whenever I do a speech of any sort, I talk very fast because I’m nervous. It turns out I can sign fast, too when I’m nervous.

Anyway, there were small groups of conversations around me, and I could, again, for once in my life, look around and catch a bit of a conversation here, another one there, etc. That was amazing. I keep saying how amazing it was. Usually I’m exhausted and frustrated by now. I wasn’t. Sure, I didn’t know all the vocab yet, but I could get about as much through sign as I can through hearing in a small group of people. Maybe 75% of all words. Which is awesome! If I can understand this much now, just wait until after ASL 5!

I had been wondering about BlackBerries for a while. My best friend is probably going to get one, just because of all the extra stuff on it. And I wanted to see what it can do. So I asked Teacher’s dad if he could tell me anything about them, and he referred me to Teacher, who showed me several of the functions. I think, when my plan runs out, I will get a BB. 1 1/2 more years! It’s worth the $30 a month, to me. It would be nice to be able to talk to people using a QWERTY board and not a stupid texting numbers thingy. It’s slow. It was wonderful, but now to me it just seems slow.

Then I spoke with him and this other guy whom I’d met before, he’s the deaf museum tour guide, about just random stuff. Like how busy I was, that I’m a student senator now, taking 18 credits, work 20 hrs a week, honors student, etc etc, Found out tour guide was once student president at Gallaudet. I said I wanted to try to be a visiting student at Gallaudet, but it depends on scholarships. If going means losing scholarhsip, then I can’t go. But maybe I could go in summer depending on what courses they offer. Teacher said that Gallaudet would probably give me money.

I also explained how, as student senator, I can plan events, and that I want to do a Deaf Day. I explained why (several teachers have thought deaf = dumb… “do you need to take your test in another room?” And that they seem surprised when they find out I’m an honors student. They both nodded, they knew exactly what I meant, and that felt very freeing to me. I explained other things, and for once, whey others nod, I know they’re not merely sympathizing, but they actually know. I asked tour guide if he’d be interested in coming to speak for us, that my plan is still in its very early stage of “thinking about it” and he would be glad to come and speak. I told him that I heard that he was trying to raise money to get the museum a building to itself, and that I’m hoping to maybe at the same time raise money for it. and both he and Teacher was happy to hear that.

Anyway, we mingled for two more hours. I got to talk to Teacher’s mom for a period of time, about homeschooling, (she thought about it for teacher once) and explained my life story in a little more depth, and why my parents raised me hearing (because doctor said I’d never amount to anything–no speaking, hearing, reading, writing, etc). and that now I’m enjoying ASL classes, etc. It was a nice conversation, and near the end she said ” I love you”, in a proud way as well. That caught me off guard. First teacher, and now her? To me, I’m not really…I don’t want to sound churlish or stupid, but I don’t really understand why.

I had told my mom I would be home by 11. J and I tried to leave at 10, but stopped to talk some more. Same at 10:15, 10:30, 10:45…until finally 11 we left for good. I had texted my mom I was having fun and would be a little late. Whew, at least she understood Today at breakfast she asked me if I was identifying with the Deaf culture, ’cause i kept gushing about the game night, and I wasn’t sure how to answer that safely, so I just said it was a lot of fun. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. But yes, I am identifying with the Deaf culture. It is amazing what it did for my self-esteem. Like I told a lot of people, it was nice to come and see people like me, since I don’t meet many Deaf people! And they nodded, they truly knew what I was talking about.

I could go on, but I’ll stop for now. It’s late, and I got only 4 1/2 hrs of sleep last night, because I worked all day today, then I went over to my best friend’s house after work. And Mass is tomorrow morning, and I have two papers due, etc etc.. But they invited me to another gathering that was tonight, but unfortunatley, I had already promised my friend. I really wanted to go. But I got my teacher to promise to keep me updated on future gatherings. Now I know where the clubhouse is, I can drive myself.

Part of me is hoping I’ll meet a nice, cute Deaf guy at these gatherings. Somebody a lot like my teacher. But then again there’s this senator guy. I will talk more about this really nice guy who’s cute and nice and helpful and shy…but that’s really confusing right now. I’m not sure about it. I’m not sure he’s sure, either. I think maybe he’s unsure about my being deaf, how to not be rude or something, I’m not sure.

Um, I feel a vise creeping around my head. I will be going to bed now. ttyl. I really enjoyed the game night. I was afraid some people would get cliquish, but no, they were very welcoming. Perhaps it was because I understood their signs pretty well? Anyway, I’m discovering my Deaf identity

Just thinking aloud… October 17, 2007

Admissions finally contacted me (they did it last week, but didn’t answer my question, so I didn’t reply), with an answer, and a promise to help me. So I replied, with about 10 more questions, mostly about finances. So I decided to sketch it out. :

 

Gallaudet Costs est. for Spring 09, assuming a rate hike. Every school does it every year:

Roundtrip flight: $400

Tuition (1 semester): $6000

Unit fee: $140

Room: $3000

Board: $2000

Health Service Fee: $60

Application: $50

Admission: $50

Registration: $15

Room Deposit: $200

Books: $500

Total: $12,415

 

Est. Stafford Loan (1 semester): $3,500

Est. Scholaships (1 sem): $1,750

Total: $5,250

 

12,415 minus 5,250 = $7,165 (That’s if I can make my scholarships apply. Gallaudet bills my school, and my school bills me, so would I technically still be paying my school? I wonder if they’ll pay the difference…)

would VR pay for this? I hope!

 October 17, 2007

Thoughts: Since I’m student senator, my term ends mid October next year. So I can’t really do fall 08 visiting. It would probably be Spring. If I do a Deaf World Day…make it an annual or a semester event…could I do that next spring, and all of the information, would somebody else be able to carry it off without my help? Or maybe I could do the planning long distance; just would need somebody willing to be there for me (unless I could afford plan tickets for that event). Or should I just do it in spring, then again in fall, and thereafter every fall?

 

Of course, I could look into a summer semester. But that probably wouldn’t have the same flavor, I don’t think.

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot Spring 09 will be crazy. Inauguration Ceremony…but that would be awesome!!! to see one in person! Plus by 09 I’ll know whether Gally keeps accreditation status or not, since their probation ends fall 08.

 

I’m saving up money. So far I’ve saved up over $1000. I’d have to convince Mom and Dad that this is worth delving into savings for. The experience.

 

I have to see. If I have to wipe out all my savings, then it probably wouldn’t be worth it. I need seed money for the future, for an apt. etc. Loans…eeeh, I’m kinda skittish around them. So far I’ve been paying off the interest each month as it accumulates. I suppose it wouldn’t kill me. I have to take a look at interest rates first. I doubt Gally would pay for some of my school costs. Would they?

 

Gally Honors would work with me! Plus I’ll bet UNO would count this as a sort of colloquium. Plus Gally offers colloqs. I’m almost done with my honors classes reqs! So I may not have to worry, if I get 6 or 9 next semester. I’m looking into tutoring for ASL, since one of my co-workers is taking it, she wants my help, etc…so that may work?! (Tutoring gets me add’l honors credits).

 

I’m waiting to hear from VR again, and Admissions. See what they have to say, to help clarify some stuff. I’m glad I started soon, because they both seem kinda slow. Hmm…maybe I can schedule an appt with VR during Thanskgiving week, one of my classes is off entire week instead of only Th and F, I can visit them during that time and be back in time for my night class. I would LOVE it if its true that they help with tuition.

 

I’m sure Lib will allow me a semester off…after all, they seem to have a need for a deaf outreach prog. The other day one library called, and a co-worker answered it and called me over. She talked on the phone, told me what a patron was signing, and I helped to translate as best as I could. The patron was already gone, but they were curious. I told them next time it’s perfectly fine to use a pen and paper. I love my city, and  I don’t really want to move. Just travel. Besides, I have a dream of making my city like a Midlands Deaf haven, be surrounded by peers in a community of great people in a great city…getting an ASL degree offered at my univ., Deaf day, money to expand our Deaf institution museum, and maybe even reopening our deaf school? Get more theaters to show captioned movies. Really expand things. And the library system would be a good start. I can accomplish great things here. Maybe become mayor. Maybe. Seems like a thankless job, but it might be worth it to get things done.

updates on some stuff… October 11, 2007

I was elected Student Senator for my college, with 70% of the votes. Student Senators can plan events in conjunction with other depts. at the school if they’re so inclined, so I’m contemplating (by no means have I decided to do it) on doing an event with the disAbility office, like ASL Awareness Day or something. Any thoughts/tips? Mostly, I want to a) make people aware that being deaf doesn’t mean I need extra time on tests or have to take it in a separate room, etc, like I’ve recently experienced from my professors. They both look at me weird everytime I come into class. I’m not hearing, and yet I’m not deaf, so they don’t really know what to do. And b) I want to drum up interest in ASL as a foreign language at my univ, so that they’ll have to start offering more classes, and perhaps more advanced classes on Deaf subjects. Plus our new chancellor got his PhD in special ed, and once headed up the sign language dept here. So…it’s prime time Of course, any thoughts/concerns/suggestions you might have are welcome. If I do this, it will be the same week the DeafNation expo is here.

And on Gallaudet, well, I finally heard from their honors dept. Much faster than anyplace else I’ve emailed. They’re more than willing to have me as an visiting honors student. Geoff’s going to follow up on the admissions dept for me, because he “likes to make the bureaucracy move for people.” How nice But he did say that he knew visiting students when he was a student, and they didn’t get any scholarship support from their home institutions.

I hadn’t heard about the financial stuff from my school yet. So I asked the Info Desk where I should start. They didn’t know, but somebody came along and said go to the Registrar. So I did. They didn’t know how to be a visiting student either, and to check with my college or English dept advisor. And they said if my advisor didn’t know either, to come back and they’ll try to help me as best as they can. Great. I already went to my advisor this semster. And I’m sure she won’t know. But hey, I want to go to Gallaudet, so I’ll keep plugging away. If I don’t hear from VR by next week, I’m going to TTY them. “Hey, what’s up? How can I make use of this wonderful resource?”

I guess my ASL teacher had a busy day yesterday. He was going to tally up our grades so we know where we are, but I guess he forgot. That’s okay. I’m not worried, but some students are. I convinced them to give him the weekend, give him the benefit of the doubt. He also forgot to get back to me on the visiting student thingy, but that’s okay too. I’ve got Geoff So, it’s starting to work out.

 No, I didn’t win the lottery, but I’ll buy another ticket tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, my ASL teacher, who’s the co-VP of my city’s Association of the Deaf, he sent an email to all his classes about the game night tomorrow night at their hall. Fun! I wanted to go, so I asked my classmate if we could carpool. Sure, she said, the buddy system. Then I text Mom, do you need me? Nope. Can I go to this thing? Where is it? Near my school, and I’m carpooling. Well, she’s nervous about me carpooling. I thought it would make you feel better! Yes it does, but I’m still nervous. Is this girl okay? Mom! I thought. Yes, she’s good. Dad asked, how old is she? 27. Is she safe? Yes! Where is it exactly? I’ll look it up.

Then they started asking if this would take place of the community interaction req. that I was going to do, the football game at the deaf institution. I don’t know, but I want to go to both. They just sorta started giving me a hard time, but I held on. So apparently I can do both (so far). I think they’re catching on to my enculturation.

 Well, my mtg’s starting soon, so I have to sign off for now.