Interesting story… February 2, 2008

Okay, I’ve been doing a lot of research lately, just to satisfy my own curiosity and wonders and worries. I really feel like I don’t know enough of my faith. I’m fairly knowledgeable, but not as much as I should be, I think.

And I ran across this link, and it’s interesting. You know, sometimes I wonder, is Catholicism the one true faith? And so I look at information from all sides, and then my faith is reaffirmed.  Anyway, I thought I’d post this link for others to see and read.

http://www.chnetwork.org/scotthconv.htm

Society’s Fixation November 24, 2007

What’s up with society’s fixtation on sex and sexuality?! I’m fed up!! I’m sick of it! Blah! College seems to be the worst offender. In my English classes, all of my stories have possible sexual readings, and it seems like that’s the only readings my teachers can get from it. Ditto for Creative Writing. I had wanted to say this several times, but finally one of my classmates asked, “why are we reading another story about sex?” The teacher hadn’t realized all of her assignments for us had an element of sex or sexual abuse.

 Aargh! I want to say enough!

Tuesday there will be a speaker on campus, called “J-Spot” or something like that. Guess what he’s going to talk about? Yeah. Sex. I was invited to it as a part of a mass invite on Facebook. Still, I’m like, bleargh. To cap it, this guy I’m sorta interested in (or was) was the guy who was in charge of promoting it. When he told the entire group at Senate (during the “for the good of the order”) other people were nodding, even this other guy whom I had thought was too sweet and conservative to be swayed by it. I was stony faced through the whole thing, trying not to be too judgemental, you know?

Many of my friends like dirty jokes and dirty books. I’m sick of it. Yes, yeah, it’s a part of the human nature. I know. I know. I laugh at the good ones, myself. Like the one about the Deaf Pizza, by Keith Wann. That was funny. Oops. Opps. But everything in moderation. And it does not seem moderate at this time. It’s overflowing, and I’m trying not to think about it, to keep myself distant from it, but images and thoughts keep entering my mind and I keep wiping them away. I’m a visual person, so anything I read about, I can visualize, some more vividly than others. I keep imagining too many scenes from readings from class. And movies. I didn’t really need to know about that.

I’ll wait until marriage, thanks. I don’t want to learn too soon.

And again, I had pondered the meaning of hook-ups. What does that connote? I feared the worst. The guy I had liked is too far gone, yet I’m trying not to be judgemental. He didn’t tell me. Curse Facebook. I love it, I hate it. But yeah, I found out he went skinny dipping. With a girl. So, I believe that’s all it was, but what a temptation, you know? Stay away from it, it’s too risky. Even though it was dark. I still was like, oh, my, goodness. Is nobody safe? Are all the good guys the painfully shy guys?

I like spontaniety. I like surprises. I like sweet stuff. I like to listen, and to talk, and to care, and to be cared about. I like some straightforward stuff. Why can’t guys just give it a chance, just ask for a date, we go out once, to  get to know each other better, email each other, and see if we’re even compatible. If not, well, that’s okay, we can be friends. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never dated, perhaps this is too nieve. But yeah, I honestly will put forward the effort. You never know until you try, and all the good guys seem to be too shy to try.

Frustration! To say the least. But apparently it’s a good thing I haven’t dated yet. Guys can’t handle celibacy or even the idea of propriety yet. Good thing I have a plan that will tie up the next, oh, 5 1/2, 6 1/2 years or so. Maybe in 7 years men will be better (I doubt it, though).

After much thought, I realize being a nun is not for me. So that’s not an option. I’ll just keep myself busy with life and advocacy and work and school, because at this rate, I’m going to be single the rest of my life. Single is fine. I just wish I could say something about, “yeah, my ex boyfriend is doing such and such now” Maybe it’s because I’m the kind of person who once I make a committment, I generally stick to it. I plan. I prepare. It’s just that I choose not to be prepared about sex. It serves me no good until I’m married.

 You hear that world?! You hear that, all you men out there?! I’m waiting until marriage!! Pah! Phooey. I’m sick of guessing, I’m sick of hoping, I’m sick of waiting, I’m sick of planning. I’m keeping my options open, but I have standards. Not necessarily that high, you know, white horse and everything. But I do expect that you at least TRY to be pure.

I know what I’m praying about tonight and tomorrow morning. For this guy whom I had liked, whom was very nice to me on the bus to and from the hockey game, it seemed like we still hit it off. I pray for him. I pray for all men. I pray that I’m proven wrong, that there is such thing as a decent, slightly more outgoing man, who is also waiting.

Meanwhile, I’m too busy with life to wait around.

I can think of several swear words that involve sex, to use against society’s fixtation on sex. I’m sick of it.

I’m sorry for this outburst. I can’t possibly tell my parents, my brother. I sorta told my friend, and then the guy who’s sorta in charge of Catholic Campus Ministry, I guess he’s a missionary of sorts, about this J spot thingy, and the FOCUS missionaries are going to visit it, to see what’s going on in the college world. I can’t wait to see what this guy whom I keep mentioning has to say about this event that he’s heavily promoting. My point is, who can I tell? Whew, typing this all up makes me feel better. I was working on my report on Dracula (another heavily sexual novel), when I reached my tipping point. (Malcom Gladwell…and no I haven’t read it.)

Up next (when I have time) i will write about me about a year ago and me today, in relationship to sign language and the Deaf culture. Yeah, I had an interesting point. But it’s late. 11:40 pm now, and I have Mass tomorrow morning. And work. And I got to finish my stinkin’ paper that’s due Monday. I can’t seem to finish it. Hopefully I can tomorrow night. I have to!

I was hoping to write a uplifting post but… November 7, 2007

I. Hate. Horomones.

There, I got that out of the way. I’m just really weepy all the time. I was on a high from the weekend, when I went to a student senator conference in KC, but that came crashing down on Monday. Blue Monday. Blue Tuesday and Wednesday. Blue tomorrow too…that’s why I’m planning on going to CCM tomorrow night. I hope something good happens tomorrow, because I’m on the verge of crying for no good reason.

Exhibit A. Thursday. I spent 5 hours signing in ASL lab, just chatting away about anything and everything with the students coming in and out of lab and with the teachers and stuff. That was awesome! But downer: I should have been studying. I meant to study, but everything came piling on and didnt’ get started til Weds night, and got a headache so went to bed, thinking sleep would help me think better. Nope. I got my scores back. Got a 192 out of 267. Calculate that for yourself.

Exhibit B. Football game Thurs night, woke up early Fri morning to board a big bus with other student senators to go to KC. That was fun. Got half of a book finished, called Deaf World. I should have brought homework, but I knew I probably wouldn’t get it done. Which turned out to be right. Conferences all day, but it was a ton of fun talking with people. Went out on the town after 5, on the Plaza (which is really, really pretty). Didn’t know where everybody went, so I went wandering around by myself (!) keeping self defense instructions in mind…awake, aware, and on guard. Came back, went with an acquaintance to meet up with others for dinner. Dinner was great. Sat with a group of friends, across from a guy I was interested in. Another guy joined us, I was like, who are you? I mean, I knew he existed, but never really met him. Turns out New Guy is really nice, and he actually was interested in what I had to say. Got to know him a little more that night, me, two girls, and New Guy went to “Across the Universe” which is a really awesome movie btw, even if the middle is a little…interesting… After the movie we walked back to the hotel, stopping along the way to climb on statues, take random pictures, joke around, talk about the movie, etc. Got to the hotel at 1 am, didn’t get to bed til 1:30, didn’t sleep well at all that night, a little upset stomach, a little thinking about the movie, a little wondering about New Guy, is he worth getting to know? Probably a total of 3 hours sleep. Woke up, went to the Truman Library, and you know, got to know New Guy a little more. Funny, that’s for sure. We have a similar sense of humor. He’s Catholic. Still nice. Doesn’t seem to be bothered when I asked him to spell a word I couldn’t hear, and when I asked him to repeat something, acted as if he did that all the time. Got to know him more on the bus. On the bus ride back, a couple of times I saw him looking at me. Including one kinda sweetly awkward moment, like I looked up because I sensed him looking at me, but he didn’t look away, he kept looking at me, so I turned my head away because I didn’t know what to do, then looked back, and he was still looking at me. I shifted my gaze (probably blushing) and then looked back, and he was still looking at me, smiling a little bit. So, was that something or was that because he didn’t have his glasses on? (he can see, his prescription was similar to mine, a little weaker–yes I tried on his glasses). He said he’ll make a copy of the Across the Universe soundtrack for me, give it to me tomorrow at the Student Government meeting. Boy, I couldn’t wait until Thursday.

Exhibit C. Monday. Blue monday. Yucky monday. I was in a great happy mood, chatty with everybody. Then a friend was talking about her great weekend too, and then mentioned “you know, I’m not a virgin anymore, but I love him!” Whoa. Back up. What about me indicated that I like to talk about that stuff? But hey, I know college students sleep around. For some reason that started to affect me. I didn’t show it to her face, though I did encourage her to stay chaste for the rest of the way until she’s married.

Later that monday, I was invited to a sex-ucation class at my university, by so called New Guy. Then I saw him a few moments later, but didnt’ show it them. But later for some reason it affected me. Disappointment I guess, but really, I didn’t use to be affected by other peoples’ decision unless they directly affected me. In retrospect, it’s small in comparison. He probably thinks the class will be one big joke. I was a part of a mass email list, so he didn’t really care who he sent invitations out to. Now i feel a little better, a little more prepared to see him on Thursday without turning into an emotional wreck.

Exhibit D. Last night was a little better. I went out to eat with a ASL friend, talked about a lot of stuff, mostly about ASL. Downer, price of dinner, though I got a 15% student discount. Downer: Got back to campus later than I thought, and had to run 10 mins from parking to class. Carrying 20-25 lbs of stuff. In heels. Stumbled a couple of times, twisted it a bit, but thank goodness it didn’t hurt too much today unless I turned it wrong.

Exhibit E. I don’t like Wednesdays much either. Same classes on Mon are on Weds. Yucky. Wished an acquiantance a happy birthday, and on Facebook  a general invite to everybody to meet up at a restaurant tonight. At 9:15. Whoa, I wish he said 7! Then I would be willing to go. But I’m feeling yucky. Perhaps a little SAD. And 9 seems late. And I still have to study for a test on Fri. I can’t afford to bomb that one too. I need an A in the class to get honors credit.

So, tomorrow is ASL lab and class. That always makes me happier. Too bad I can’t make the city assoc. for the deaf night this month. But I can next month. And I need to ask Teacher about the state assoc. gathering in Dec…it’s on a Sat, when I usually work all day. So, I may have to ask it off, but if it’s in the other city (an hour away) I can’t make it, since even though I’m an adult, I can’t drive on the highway. I’m confident in my own ability. But my dad is not. Plus he warned that it was half his car. So if its in my city, then I can go. I sincerely hope so. Even though it’s a wine and cheese event (whatever that is) I can still go though I’m underage. (I told Teacher when he mentioned it that I would bring sparking grape juice and if anybody asks, I can point to my glass and say yes, I’m 21) He laughed. (A silent one, of course).

Boy, am I disjointed in my thoughts. I try to tell some friends bits and pieces, but they just don’t quite understand enough to hear it all, so I give up, and tell them it’s a bad time of the month for me. Which it has been for a week and a half now. Up down up down up down.

Anyway, I must admit I am looking into dorm living…as long as I can be RA. But it won’t work at all if I can’t have my car, ’cause w/o car means no work. And it’s only half mine because I pay for half, and Dad the other half because the family uses it occasionally. If I move out, then it’ll either be all his or all mine. And I can’t afford paying the whole amt. I’m afraid to ask. Anyway, being an RA means free room and board. I don’t care about the responsibility, I can handle it. Anyway, they’re going to need new RAs for the fall because the new dorm complex will be opening then. Prime time, don’t cha think? I just need a car, then I’m all set!

Plus my dog isn’t dead yet. yes, that sounds morbid. But I don’t feel like I can just pass off the responsibility to someone else just so I can move out. That’s not right. Yet I don’t want her to die. She is old. I think 10 yrs old now, actually. Maybe 11. Wow, that is old. But she doesn’t have any “problems” just a little more persnickety. So, 3 conditions. Need a car, dog needs to be either dead (man I hate saying that) or somebody needs to not mind taking care of her for me, and need to be an RA for free room and board, preferably, since I will be going to Gallaudet and have masters education, so that’s more in tuition I will need to pay. If I was just going for the four years in one major, then yes, I’d move out in a heart beat, I could make it. But that’ll be a lot of debt.

 That’s the other thing weighing on my mind, Gallaudet. Don’t get me wrong, I want to go for sure. It’s my slightly tweaked goal. But I haven’t told my parents yet. Even when I told mom I was thinking about being RA, and she asked me where would I live when I graduated? Umm…Gallaudet? but I didn’t say that. I hedged and said Missouri, because that’s where the master’s program is (despite it being online). I’m going to wait a long time before telling them. Probably my senior year, when I have to apply.

Already I’m looking to save/make more money, including a summer job. I want to save up money for either dorm living next fall or the fall after. And for Gallaudet. And to go on trips of my own. Not a family trip stuck in a car with my little fussy siblings for 14 hours to visit Great Grandma. I want to go to KC again to the Plaza. Or to DC, road trip! to Gallaudet. Something. I’m itching to be on my own. Esp. since almost all my friends are living in dorms/sharing apts/sharing houses, they get to come and go as they please, while I have to be home by 11, not as curfew, but to keep from waking anybody up, is mom’s terminology. I wish my siblings weren’t so stinkin’ young.

Man, yeah, this is a stupid downer post, and I apologize for posting one like this one yet again. It really stinks. But who else can I  tell?  I don’t know anybody through my blog as a close friend, but a world of strangers for some reason are good people to vent to, because I know this post will be read, and if commented on at all, the comments won’t really mean anything because I don’t know them. Yeah.

So I hope tomorrow is better. I’m definitely stopping by CCM after student government. And I may crash Theology on Tap if I get out of meeting early enough…yeah, I’ll do that I feel better already. Secrets make me feel better…won’t tell mom or dad. And hopefully I’ll see some people there. I just want to get out of the house. The KC trip really made me antsy because independence and not telling mom or dad that I was out til 1 in the morning was really freeing. Sounds bad, but it’s true. Yeah, I’m looking into RA. Hopefully Dad’ll buy another car, he’s finishing the last payment on the family car in two months, so…it’s a distinct possibility. I just want to get out now. Have fun. Good thing I’m taking 18 credits this semester and 19 next semester, so I can take more decent schedules the next 3 years to make time for other fun things.

 Thanks for listening. I’m signing off now to do homework.

Man, does time slip by fast! October 28, 2007

Well, I’m not sure when my last post was, but it’s time for a new one, with updates from the past week (or was it two weeks?).

 I went to see VR on Thursday. I guessed she was deaf from the way she writes her emails; you know, me being an English major I tend to be able to guess who wrote what from how they write. They were in good English, just slightly “off”, if that makes sense? Some of the verbs didn’t have verb endings, etc. And when I went to see her, she both signed and talked, mostly signed. So I was right! It was about time I intuited something right! She mostly signed, and so I both signed and talked. It turns out there’s not much they can do for me right now. I’m still in college, and I have a job, and so she didn’t even mention monetary support. Plus I felt it would be rude to ask, because I’m pretty self-sufficient. It’s not like I’m hurting for money, though I am on a college student’s budget. Looking toward the future, however, VR said she could help me then. When I’m ready to look for a real job, come see her, and then they can help me find a job, apply, interview, get, and keep the job, and provide whatever accomodations I might need, like a TTY, or a videophone, etc. Or even an interpreter. I’m nearly at the point when I can understand most of what anybody is saying in ASL, which makes me very excited! VR says they also will be my advocate, so I shouldn’t be “dismissed” just because I’m deaf.

 After the end of our fairly short meeting she said I signed pretty well, which I thanked her for. She said that because we had been talking about the Sorenson free VRS equip., and they ask you if ASL is your primary language. She told me to say yes, because I know enough to converse with. So, when I got home, I filled out the app! No idea how long it will take for me to get it, but whenever is okay. It probably would be more useful after this semester, once I’ve finished ASL 3.

There wasn’t another deaf game night this week. Asked him when the next one was, he said he wasn’t sure, but thought it would be in two more weeks. I hope he’s right, because I don’t want it to be this friday! I want it to be next friday, as this weekend I’m going on a Student Senate conference in KC, MO! (All paid for by Student Government, which is awesome!). Plus it’s mandatory, so I can’t beg out of it. So, I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Maybe they’ll also have a Christmas gathering? I’m definitely am going to try to make that one if they do.

Haven’t heard anything from Gallaudet for a while. But I’m kinda doubting I’ll go for a while. I am toying around with the idea of graduating from my univ, then going to Gallaudet for a undergrad degree in  ASL, which will take about 2 years, possibly less. Because then I won’t have any scholarships to worry about losing; I could also possibly qualify for SSI or VR payment then, as well. And also then, I can complete my library science masters while at Gallaudet, since I beleive it is all online. I’d better check into that, though. But perhaps then I could work at the Library of Congress, for a great resume builder…man, I’m getting excited! I think this is probably a better plan, even though I’m going to have a heck of a loan to pay off later. I should try to publish a book, and have it take off, so I can actually afford my monthly loan payments…!

 That reminds me. I’m seriously am considering adding a third major. Yes, I am crazy, thank you for telling me! I have no idea if it will work, or if I will still be able to graduate in 2011 (I’m a sophomore, so technically I should graduate in 2010, but double majors means one more year). So, I’m going to see if I can get an appt. with a College of Education advisor and discuss this. Oh, yeah, the major would be Educational Interpreting. A non-teaching degree. I have a goal of encouraging Deaf people to go to libraries, having signed story times, etc, because it seems like nearly all the deaf people i’ve met don’t read much. I had always assumed they’d be bookworms like me, but  I guess not.

Anyway, the reason why I want to talk with the advisor is because I’m deaf. I’m not necessarily going into it for interpreting reasons; I have a hard enough time myself to understand people! It’s just to further solidify my signing skills, and to learn how to translate stories from books into sign. So, I don’t want to go on a practicum, nor do I want to “learn how to interpret in a variety of fields under a variety of conditions”. I’d fail those things. But this perhaps is a moot point if I decide to go to Gallaudet for the ASL degree after I graduate. But perhaps s/he can guide me in the right direction. Or perhaps I can get my univ to create this program, to attract more students?

 *Sigh.* Okay. So I’m looking into a Deaf World Day event, right? Turns out my committee doesn’t actually plan events. It just basically helps to advertise. And even if I’m liason for the something or other disability agency, I don’t plan events. So I’m going to try to talk to the agency director (but I have a sneaking suspicion that it is a student, and not a permanent one like I originally thought it was going to be) and see what she thinks about this. Perhaps she’ll add it to the list of events?

I still want to raise money for my state’s deaf school museum (the school shut down nearly 10 yrs ago). Currently they’re housed in two rooms that the current inhabitant of the building graciously gave to them. But they want to raise money to fix up the oldest building on campus, to the tune of 1 million dollars. Well, if I can get every student in each ASL class at my univ to donate, say, 2 dollars each, that’s about 200-300 dollars right there. That’d buy paint. I’m going to talk to the guy who’s working on the museum, see how I can go about donating that money.

For honors credit, I can do the TAG program. For honors public school students. I’ve been thinking about teaching ASL for a long time, and now just am feeling like I know enough vocab and linguistics to teach younger kids. But public schools? I hated them! I was so lost and generally not quite “one of them”, though all were nice to me. So I asked my honors program, homeschoolers are like honors students, can I teach them? One tentatively said yes, and I’m waiting on the director to give it the official approval. I’m also waiting on my parish to get back to me; the business manager said I should be able to get a schoolroom for free, but has to clear it by Father first. So, I’m taking the lesson plans so generously provided on Lifeprint.com, and modifying them slightly for the target audience. And get this: I’m paying $400 in tuition to teach! If I pay tuition for the “internship”, I get official honors university credit for teaching. The librarians laughed when I told them this. I’m afraid to tell anybody else though, because homeschoolers are really nice. They can be cheap, but they do try to show their appreciation at the end of any program, by bringing in sweets, or pooling their money together to give a gift basket. And I would feel weird if they gave me something. I really don’t mind paying, I would teach either way, even if I didn’t get any credit, official or unoffical. So, I’m probaly not going to tell them that fact, because I don’t want them to feel obligated to chip in to help with tuition. That would feel really weird.

I’m glad I went to Mass this morning. It provides a steady hand to my weird life. I was feeling a little lonely. Not for family, or friends. I just keep seeing all these “couples” around campus, and feel a little pang, and my hand light. I don’t have a hand to hold, walking to class. Etc. And even though there are plenty of guys, of nice guys, of nice Catholic guys who are single, okay, none of them seem to have shown much of an interest in me. So, I wonder, is it me? But I prayed in church today before Mass, and then the rest of the day I felt patient (for once!). He will provide, as corny as that sounds. I used to laugh, but now I know it’s true, though I have no “proof” of it. It’s just a feeling. So, part of me is patient. Part of me is still lonely. And part of me is wondering with every single guy I see, “is he the one?” Then the pateint part keeps telling the wondering part to shut up, stop imagining. It seems to only set me up for disappointment.

What seemed to help is that in the ladies home journal, they talked about how daydreaming is good for you. That gave me license to daydream about how I may encounter my future boyfriend. In the library, at the bookstore, in a class next semester, etc. He doesn’t have an official bodily form. I don’t have any hard and fast “rules” about guys. Neither do I have one about him being hearing or deaf. I don’t care, but lately they’ve been about a deaf guy. He must be self-actualized, though. I wouldn’t date a needy, stupid, or absolutely serious/shy hearing guy, nor will I a deaf guy like that. But I did dream last night that I had twins! I was so happy I always have loved children. That’s another thing. He must love dogs, and must love children.

Anyway, writing helps too. I’ve been altering these dreams slightly, daydreams, whatever. And writing them up as a manuscript for writing class. I hope they don’t catch on that is actually real, for a fiction class.

Part of my rollercoaster emotions right now is horomone related as well. Remember how I went on CrMS? I had lost all appetite for nearly 4 weeks, and lost 8 lbs. Starting 2 nights ago, I got my appetite back! That made me happy, but oh great, just in time for halloween. Ate a lot, stepped on the scale this morning, and apparently I’m at 140. Better than 145, but I liked it better when it was 137! So, I have to moderate myself again. Some of it is just emotional hunger…when I was feeling blue Friday and Sat, I had a lot of chocolate, (hot chocolate, bite size halloween candy, etc). I didn’t pig out, but it felt like it since I had been so picky with food lately.

I sorta miss the pill already. Stupid horomones. But I certainly hope that if I hang in there, the doctor will be able to figure out what does all this, and treat the source. I’m just glad he will never prescribe the pill again! From my share of research, it seems I may have a progesterone defiicency, and the pill is largely estrogen, which I don’t need.

Wow, I just spent a long time on this. I’m going to shut up now, and try to figure out how to keep my mind on homework.

student senate October 12, 2007

I love Student Senate!

Sure, we have to “vote to vote” and people sometimes won’t shut up, and there’s tons of debates, and I can’t quite understand all of the talking.

But I love my office hours. We have to do at least one office hour a week. So I went on Weds, thinking, man it’ll be boring, I’ll get lots of homework done…nope. A group of people came in, including (wow!). Anyway, M and I hadn’t met before in person, and so Sh introduced us to each other, and to the other senators too. And so we commenced to talk a lot, as a group.

One thing I noticed about M was not just that he looked really cute, but that I could pick out his voice even though other people were talking too. Usually I have a hard time hearing male voices. Not so with him. He didn’t speak loud, or too soft either. He spoke clearly. And we talked about some stuff, like the protesting of the bake sale ban, and it turns out we had those few things we talked about in common. He went to go get pop, and came back with two, a Pepsi and a Cherry Pepsi, asking which one I wanted. A little quizzical, I said, I don’t care, and he handed me the regular Pepsi. He said how lucky he was, two pops came out. At the end of the office hours, as he was leaving, I thanked him for the pop, and remarked how lucky he was, that never happened to me! I actually saw a lady getting like 5 pops out of the machine one time. They get stuck, and people give up. Then he said that the pop was already there, he didn’t have to get the other one… I didn’t really know what to say, except that I already said thanks. I started wondering. Okay, I’ll be seeing him again tomorrow night.

Then I saw him at the mtg last night…too bad somebody else already took the chair next to me! Oh well, it still worked out okay because when the mtg was over, I sorta hung around. I mean, I could have left right away. Some people did. But lately I’ve been finding out that if I follow the silent guide in my head and go with the flow, it works out REALLY well, instead of being super-efficient and forcing myself to get going, get working.

So, I talked to somebody else, and he talked to somebody else, but we were facing each other. I could feel him looking at me, and I kept wanting to look at him, but we knew it wasn’t polite to do that all the time. But finally we had a chance to talk, as a group. Groups make talking so much easier and less nervewracking. I could still pick out his voice in the noisy room, where the sound reverbrated off the walls.

Maybe it’s just me, but I like guys I can hear. And he’s like the ONLY guy I’ve met that I could hear well. And even though he could see my implant, (which I saw him glancing at it–he wasn’t obvious, but I just know when people do that), it didn’t really seem to affect how he treated me, like some people do. And that was another plus. We talked about funny things (which I heard the tone, but not necessarily the words) and laughed a lot. We talked about the Seargeant at Arms (I know I spelled that wrong), and D turned to me and said, If there’s a fight, you break it up. I laughed paused and said Sure! I actually have been taking self defense, and there’s this nerve near the knee, and we learned how to kick it, and it can incapacicate people. Still smiling, they said wow, and we laughed some more about other things.

After the meeting the group decided to go to Old Chicago. I begged out, no I have homework. Apparently M had begged out too, for the same reason. So the other three went off, and M and I were left semi-alone. I looked outside. It was dark. I looked at him, getting ready to say, well, see ya, when he asked me, Would you like me to walk you to your car?

I paused a half-beat, and that silent guide in my head said to say yes. So I did, noting how dark it was, and thanked him sincerely (even though I’ve made that walk many times myself). He asked me where I parked. The garage. He said he usually parked there too, but he was lazy *laugh*. “Would you like to walk, or I could drive you there?” Me: Um…I… Him: You don’t really care? Me: Uh….no, *small laugh*. That silent voice in my head said I could trust him. ‘Cause normally I’m nervous about other people driving.

We started walking to the closer parking lot. Him: So, you’re a Communication… Me: Fine Arts and Media senator, yeah. Him: That’s where your English… Me: Um no, actually it’s creative writing. English is Arts and Science. Short pause. Me: I like writing, but I have English to make sure I can get a job. Him: short laugh Me: And your major is… Him: Political Science. Maybe *laugh* I laughed too. Me: Yeah… More silence. He turned and I followed him through the faculty parking.

Me: I thought about political science but…I like writing more I climbed up the short hill (in heels!) to the student lot. He looked around for his car, then did his little key fob thing, locking the car, so the lights would flash but it wouldn’t be the “panic button”. He found it. It looked vaguely familiar. He unlocked the doors, and we both got in. I saw how neat his car was…my friends’ cars have all had some sort of refuse, like water bottles, in it. I got in, thanking him again, trying not to be too awkward getting in with my laptop bag, purse, and books I was carrying. The car next to him parked at a 45 degree angle to him. But he backed out effortlessly and carefully! A little different from my friends. I felt safe, though I was “alert, aware, and on guard” from self defense. At no time did I wonder, “What did I get myself into?” My Self Defense professor said that women’s intuition was amazing. All this time we were outside, which is semi-illuminated, I didn’t have trouble hearing him. And he didn’t seem to mind that I was walking forward, with my head turned, so I could read his lips. Him: So when do you work? Me: Fri, Sat, and Sun. Him :Wow. So what do you do? Me: I shelve books, and for a change of pace I check in books. Silence. I love my job, but it’s bad for me. Him: Why? Me: I get sidetracked. Him: How? Me: I look at a book, hmmm, this is interesting. So I’ll read the cover. Then the first page. Then the first chapter. Then when the librarian walks by I get shelving again (mimes an innocent waving Hi, yes, I’m working!). He laughed.

I said something about how I love small cars, they’re so easy to drive! He agreed. And I said, I learned how to drive on a Suburban. He blinked and said Wow, truly amazed. Me: Yeah (nervous laugh). And he started driving. Him: So, where do you live? Me: Near St E______ Him: St E_____ S_____? Me: Yeah. (thinking, wow, he knows it?) Him: I’m actually at St. W______. Me: Really? Cool. (he’s Catholic?!) Silence. I think about how lucky I am, even if this doesn’t work out, but that he was pretty much everything I’ve been looking for. Him: Do you have Father Frank? Me: Um, yeah, actually! Him: He used to be our priest. Have you seen him do any of the Masses yet? Me: Yeah, like every opposing Sunday, alternating with the assoc. priest. He’s pretty good; his homilies are short…and to the point. Him: Yeah, and he doesn’t read off a sheet of paper like some people do (priests who do that tend to be boring).

Him: Did you park on the top? Me: No, on the bottom Him: That’s usually where I park.  He drove into the bottom. Him: Where’s your car? Me: That Malibu over there. Him: That’s where I usually park! You’re usually like one more over Me: Yeah, somebody took my spot Him: I think I’ve seen you get out of your car before Me: You know, I think so too, I saw your car and I was like, hmm…  He pulled up and parked his car, unlocking the door for me. I get out, trying to be as un-awkward as possible (remember all the stuff I had with me?) So I stand there, not knowing how to say good bye. Me: Well, thanks so much! I’ll see you… Him: Yeah, whenever… Me: next Thursday?…Him:….or in the garage *smile*…Me: Yeah! Okay…and I shut the door, and another thing I noticed. He didn’t drive off immediately like some people would, he waited while I fumbled around for my keys, unlocked my car, put my stuff in the back seat, got in the front seat, and locked the car again, and I looked at him and he waved and I waved back, and then he drove off, sorta pausing. Usually I call home before I start my car (the engine affects the phone), but I didn’t want to be rude, so I started the car and dialed home at the same time, and he was going slowly (and went out the the wrong way) and so I started backing out, and drove slowly until my call was finished, it was just to let them know I was on the way home, then drove off too. I was behind or beside his car most of the way home, he adjusted his rearview mirrow, I think he recognized my car again. Then I turned right and he kept going straight.

I hope I see him again soon. I’m taking things slowly, however. I waited for him to initiate some of the conversations, like how the dating advice meeting said a while back. I haven’t written on his Wall yet on Facebook. (He added me a while back, and I had no idea who he was, but he was friends with my friend, so I thought ,what the heck?) Maybe he’ll stop by the library today?

I had a hard time sleeping last night, I was excited. Then I woke up an hour and a half later, thinking I slept all night. Nope. I thought about him again, and had a hard time getting to sleep. I probably got 5 hours of sleep last night? And it’s a late night tonight, its the city’s deaf club games night tonight.

 Well, I had to just pour this out, to give myself time to step back and think. I need to do that more. It was an instant click between us, and I would love to see it develop. But patience, patience. Don’t put too much pressure on him. Let him initiate it, (which he has, twice).

Well, I just spent about an hour online now, I really should be doing homework. I could have finished my paper in the two hours I’ve been here (i’m always here extra early before classes to do homework). *sigh*.

identity crisis October 10, 2007

 i just commented on a post titled “self”. it struck a taut cord.

i kept hovering close to tears all morning. could be horomones. but horomones themselves don’t do anything. something triggered it. and it was a comment on my manuscript that i posted. i almost deleted it, just because it wasn’t what i wanted to hear. but i try to live by a tenet that all comments, both critical and praiseful, are growing points.

i was riding on a high wave because i got such a positive response from my teacher. it prolonged a wave that was already leaking energy, that is, my happiness that i’m deaf. i was frustrated because i couldn’t hear the guest speaker in one of my classes yesterday. he assumed i was hearing.

i hate that, when people think i’m hearing, until i tell them to speak up or something, because i’m deaf. (or they notice my ci or ha, or find out i know asl, or as in the case of my manuscript, think it’s written so well because it’s something i know). then they think i’m Deaf and not hearing, and act all weird. then Deaf people see the same thing, they know i’m not capital D Deaf, that i’m hearing.

so i’m bouncing between these two worlds. i thought i had a sturdy footing, but i was standing 4 feet into the ocean, always bobbing back and forth, not quite drowning, not quite on dry land. then the huge wave came along and knocked me off my feet. you know the feeling when you’re in the ocean or pool, and that moment when you’re disoriented; you don’t know which way is up or down?

i am lost, and my tears are salt. a bit melodramatic, ya think? but i do feel this way. who am i? i’m not hearing, i’m not deaf. one group thinks i’m part of the other.

it’s my cross to bear. i just hope that God’ll answer my prayers, that St. Francis de Sales will relay the message for me.

 Act of Abandonment by St. FdS

O my God, I thank you and I praise you for accomplishing your holy and all-lovable will without any regard for mine. With my whole heart, in spite of my heart, do I receive this cross I feared so much! (yeah, i feared it. for nearly 20 years i fear it. ‘in spite of my heart’ is right. with my whole heart? i need help!)

It is the cross of Your choice, the cross of Your love. I venerate it; nor for anything in the world would I wish that it had not come, since You willed it. (yeah, yeah, God gives us only what he can handle, ‘but i wish He didn’t trust me so much’. yet i’m glad He didn’t make me blind. i can’t bear not to read books)

I keep it with gratitude and with joy, as I do everything that comes from Your hand; and I shall strive to carry it without letting it drag, and with all the respect and all the attention which Your works deserve. (joy? okay, i did that for a while. i try to carry it. yet it feels like it’s dragging. dragging me down. i’m failing, aren’t i? )

Amen.

i know though that despite my rough time, that God does answer prayers. He’s answered several over the years for me. but i have a hard time telling if i’ve been answered yet or not. i did have a dream last night that i went to go get my cochlear implant out of my dri-aid, but it wasn’t there. and i wasn’t terribly worried. just thought that i must never have had it. to me not having the ci means being quite deaf. and being quite deaf, could that possibly mean my prayers as to my trying to enculture the Deaf culture, as in, will my prayers of attending gallaudet possibly come true soon?

*sigh* i kept checking email all of today though, and no answer as of yet. maybe tomorrow? i feel like such a heel for having an identity crisis. i was raised hearing, i should be hearing, yet i feel unsteady in that world. also, God provides, why should i doubt? yet i keep my faith. it is said a faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. is it true?

Gallaudet info stage…waiting… October 9, 2007

Okay, I finally sent off those emails to the Honors Program at Gallaudet, plus my state’s VR office, to see what they offer. I tried out the SSI screening tool, and it looks like I’m not eligible for benefits, because I have a job, and my deafness isn’t a “severe” kind, I mean, I’m pretty functional. It doesn’t keep me from working. It says to be eligible you’re supposed to have only 40% or less word comprehension (or whatchamatcallit). With my implant alone I get about 60% in moderate noise. With hearing aids I get maybe 80%…it’s been a while since I did my last testing. But if VR says so, I’ll look into SSI more.

 Now, this is just the waiting stage…I got an email back from my school’s Engl. dept, and they were quite sure that my scholarships wouldn’t transfer. And they wanted to make sure I understood that I have to take my “final credits” here in order to graduate. I’m like, I’m only a sophomore! It’s going to be a 5 yr degree! I have  PLENTY of time. (but I didn’t put it like that…). They haven’t answered my question as to how Gally’s engl classes will transfer. *sigh*.

 No info yet from financial aid, the dean’s office, Gally’s admission office (for more info about the visiting student program), VR, Honors prog, etc etc.

I’ve told many people online, but out of all my family members, I’ve only told my brother. And his reaction was, they might not like you because you’re not capital D Deaf. And CIs can be pretty controversial…(he’s taking ASL 1). Other people online expressed concern about Gally’s accreditation status (Gally’s on probation did you know?) and the safety of the area. But they all said it would be an experience, because DC is cool, and that there’s a big Catholic presence in the area. So that’s cool too

 Will keep you updated…perhaps I didn’t hear anything yesterday because it was a gov’t holiday. (though we still had school). I’m going to ask my ASL teacher today after class, to see what he knows about visiting students.

Falling in love with deafness October 5, 2007

Man oh man…I feel really weird right now. My heart feels…big. I’m easily excitable. And most of all, I’m glad I’m deaf. Weird isn’t it?

All my life I learned how to be in the hearing world. However, I always felt like an impostor, an actor, because no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be completley normal in EARth. And when I started learning about the Deaf community, I was so excited about learning ASL! But again, I felt like an impostor. Like I was only deaf, not Deaf. I felt as if I could never be completely accepted in EYEth.

My first two ASL classes, I felt that way. Rather sad, and mad and confused and disappointed, a whole host of feelings. Nobody could ever love a deaf person like me, it would be too hard for them, and that they would never understand all the weird little guidelines that help me function the best in the hearing world. Like I say, I have a cell phone, but don’t call me unless it’s an emergency, talk loud, but don’t yell, and speak clearly, and yet people call me instead. How do I explain I understand this guy, but not this other guy? One has a lower voice, harder to hear, plus he sorta talks to himself while talking to me (maybe he’s just shy or something?). The other guy has a higher voice, and speaks confidently, and I understand him. (but no interest there, just fyi).

Then this ASL class. The first time an  actual Deaf person taught me. He graduated from Gallaudet very recently. And…he is so cute! Well, cute isn’t the proper description. Neither is hot. I dunno, it’s hard to explain. But he is really nice and a great teacher, and takes time to make sure we understand, and he is so cute! His whole family is deaf too, I learned.

On a one on one meeting, (he did this with the whole class), he asked me how deaf I was. I said profound, and explained my deaf history, (born deaf, parents didn’t find out until I was two, how the doc said i’d never learn to read, write, talk or do anything at all. He got mad about that too. That’s the great thing about Deaf people, they’re very expressive. I mangled this part, (why did I forget so much one on one?) and I didn’t know if he got this, but i said I had a hoh brother. So the next day I showed him a picture of my family.

At first I was just like, well, he’s a great teacher! Then as time went on, he was still great, but also nice. And encouraging. It’s almost like he’s one of us, and he very well could be. I knew he was cute. But I knew about the policy between teachers and students. And people started saying how hot he is, and I never said it myself, but I merely acknowledged this. I only shared this with my best friend, and my other good friend and I, never saying this, know he’s cute. But recently, it’s developed into a crush almost. A crush on deafness, is what I should say.

I have fallen in love with Deafness. I would love to marry a Deaf guy. (but if it is my teacher, then wouldn’t that be cool? he’s not much older than me, surprisingly. but if it’s not me, then I hope he finds a great d/Deaf wife ) Anyway, I think it would be nice to marry a Deaf guy, and have Deaf kids, because then I’d finally be among my own, among people who truly understands. It’s amazing how much going through the same trials creates kinship. I would no longer be alone.

It’s hard to explain. But I feel so alone some days. I get seized by some mad ideas, about going Deaf for a day, or going to Gallaudet, or something or other. But I feel as if I can’t tell anybody this, because they won’t understand my desires. A Deaf husband would understand. I feel desperatly like I want to be fully immersed in the Deaf culture now. But where to go?

Part of the reason why I really, really like my teacher, too is that he’s perhaps Catholic. The sign of the cross is peculiarly Catholic, isn’t it? Well, when somebody sneezed, and he saw it, he did the sign of the cross in the air as a “bless you”. This is different from all the other “bless yous” I’ve seen signed. So I think I can pinpoint the start of the crush. I don’t know, it’s pure speculation. But I wonder…

The reason why I wonder is that I have never seen a Deaf Catholic. One of my asl teachers was Catholic, but she was hearing. That made me excited, because I really would love to see a Mass done in sign. I don’t know. It’s like I’m doubly alone, religion and deafness. Most deaf people are merely Christian because the other churches are more likely to have interpreters, I found. And Catholic and Deaf is like an invitation to a more meaningful relationship with a guy, with the world.

Well, I’m just rambling now, but I needed to write this down. I’m falling in love with Deafness. It is so exciting, and that’s why I have a hard time concentrating right now, because I’m excited. My family doesn’t really understand. My mom understands the most so far. But then I met a hoh ASL student, and we were like, it was amazing how we experienced the same sort of trials while we were younger. Then I met a Deaf teacher, and it really lit the fire to be glad I’m deaf.

“Thanks, God.  I think you sent me a sign, but could you send me another sign to decipher the first one?”

CrMS intro mtg October 5, 2007

well, I went to the intro meeting last night. It was really informative…and answered some of my questions about it. I think I was the only single person in the room though. And I wasn’t sure what the other people thought of me when they saw I didn’t have a wedding band…it was kinda disconcerting when the teachers talked about it being a joint effort for couples. (well…what about me? a joint effort with me and myself?) The second teacher did throw in some comments about it being good for medical/health reasons for anybody, and that made me feel better.

The first half was a refresher course in anatomy, and how our bodies are supposed to work. Did you know men are fertile all the time, while women are infertile most of the time? that was interesting to learn…The second half taught about the method. It was a lot of information, but thankfully they gave us a book-et (it’s not a book, and it’s not a booklet, it’s inbetween) that held all the information we learned, for reference. In the second half, they also showed some example charts, and what different characteristics of the cycle means…like infertility, cancer, ovarian cysts, etc.

Plus the great thing is, once they figure out what’s wrong with you, they don’t put the bandaid back on. I was worried about that…I didn’t want to get on the pill again yuck. (ps. I stopped the pill about two weeks ago, and my appetite went away. Sure, I’ll get hungry, but I don’t have unmanageable cravings anymore so hopefully I’ll start losing weight…I look good if I do say so myself!) What they do instead is to treat whatever is askew. Low progesterone? progesterone shots/pills. Etc etc.

So, I’m starting to track today. You check before and after you go to the bathroom, according to the instructions. Then you take the most fertile sign of the day, and put that down on the chart with the little colored stickers, and write the descriptions down. Reminds me of those chore charts I had when I was little. I sincerely hope I figure out why my cycles are so far apart, and some other stuff too.

fertilitycare.org pt. 2 September 26, 2007

Alelluia Alelluia let the holy anthem rise…!

Okay, so last night just as class started (6:30 pm) my purse starts buzzing. Okay, I thought. Mom sent me a txt message. Then it buzzed again. Again. Oh, great. 5 min later, there was a chance to discreetly check it. I recognized the number. It was FertilityCare center. Oh, great. And they left a message. So I kept sitting there in class, thinking come on, let us take a break…come on…about 1 hr 15 min into class, we took a break. So I tried to check my messages. But I could not figure out the darn thing! I kept leaving myself messages while trying to check messages.

Then I got home, and asked my brother to tell me how to retrieve messages. So what did he do? He turned on the speaker phone and retrieved all the messages for me. And when we got to the FertilityCare Center message, he looked at me incredulously. “You called them?” Yes, for women stuff. And he looked at me weird after that. Okay, you know I’m single, I’m morally upright, d’you think I’m doing it just for the heck of it?

So finally I learned how to retreive messages. So I waited until 8 this morning, locked myself into a stall in the women’s bathroom that’s hardly used, and called them. And they answered! She said I was “on the right track” and that “you’d be surprised at how many college students come”. So I’m set up for an introductory session Thursday next week, that’s about an hour long. And if I like it enough, I get a packet to chart my cycles, a whole year’s worth of materials. 30 dollars for the introductory session, 25 for the packet. I’ve got to budget that in. Plus the meetings with the teacher will be 30 dollars each. It’s expensive. But I sincerely hope it works. I’ll just have to buy less stuff. But if you calculate it, the pill is costing 40 a month, so it’ll actually save money in the long run. I hope my parents might be able to help with the costs…maybe. Esp. if I stop the pill. I should be refilling it this week, since it’s the last week in the cycle. But I don’t want to. I’ll ask Mom when I get home.

Anyway, if you call in the morning, it’s not as busy. And when they get back to you, they’re very on top of things and organized and friendly and understanding…they already had a card started for me. And that they’ll definitely be able to treat the cause and she said they won’t put me on the pill…

 Alleuia Alleluia! I’m just happy, and she understood that I just wasn’t satisfied with the pill. I really hope it’s worth the cost. 45 dollars the first night, chart for a few months, and go back for 30 dollars…that doesn’t sound so bad. I wonder if they have a college student discount…? that would be nice!

I’ll write about the introductory session soon.