Falling in love with deafness October 5, 2007

Man oh man…I feel really weird right now. My heart feels…big. I’m easily excitable. And most of all, I’m glad I’m deaf. Weird isn’t it?

All my life I learned how to be in the hearing world. However, I always felt like an impostor, an actor, because no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be completley normal in EARth. And when I started learning about the Deaf community, I was so excited about learning ASL! But again, I felt like an impostor. Like I was only deaf, not Deaf. I felt as if I could never be completely accepted in EYEth.

My first two ASL classes, I felt that way. Rather sad, and mad and confused and disappointed, a whole host of feelings. Nobody could ever love a deaf person like me, it would be too hard for them, and that they would never understand all the weird little guidelines that help me function the best in the hearing world. Like I say, I have a cell phone, but don’t call me unless it’s an emergency, talk loud, but don’t yell, and speak clearly, and yet people call me instead. How do I explain I understand this guy, but not this other guy? One has a lower voice, harder to hear, plus he sorta talks to himself while talking to me (maybe he’s just shy or something?). The other guy has a higher voice, and speaks confidently, and I understand him. (but no interest there, just fyi).

Then this ASL class. The first time an  actual Deaf person taught me. He graduated from Gallaudet very recently. And…he is so cute! Well, cute isn’t the proper description. Neither is hot. I dunno, it’s hard to explain. But he is really nice and a great teacher, and takes time to make sure we understand, and he is so cute! His whole family is deaf too, I learned.

On a one on one meeting, (he did this with the whole class), he asked me how deaf I was. I said profound, and explained my deaf history, (born deaf, parents didn’t find out until I was two, how the doc said i’d never learn to read, write, talk or do anything at all. He got mad about that too. That’s the great thing about Deaf people, they’re very expressive. I mangled this part, (why did I forget so much one on one?) and I didn’t know if he got this, but i said I had a hoh brother. So the next day I showed him a picture of my family.

At first I was just like, well, he’s a great teacher! Then as time went on, he was still great, but also nice. And encouraging. It’s almost like he’s one of us, and he very well could be. I knew he was cute. But I knew about the policy between teachers and students. And people started saying how hot he is, and I never said it myself, but I merely acknowledged this. I only shared this with my best friend, and my other good friend and I, never saying this, know he’s cute. But recently, it’s developed into a crush almost. A crush on deafness, is what I should say.

I have fallen in love with Deafness. I would love to marry a Deaf guy. (but if it is my teacher, then wouldn’t that be cool? he’s not much older than me, surprisingly. but if it’s not me, then I hope he finds a great d/Deaf wife ) Anyway, I think it would be nice to marry a Deaf guy, and have Deaf kids, because then I’d finally be among my own, among people who truly understands. It’s amazing how much going through the same trials creates kinship. I would no longer be alone.

It’s hard to explain. But I feel so alone some days. I get seized by some mad ideas, about going Deaf for a day, or going to Gallaudet, or something or other. But I feel as if I can’t tell anybody this, because they won’t understand my desires. A Deaf husband would understand. I feel desperatly like I want to be fully immersed in the Deaf culture now. But where to go?

Part of the reason why I really, really like my teacher, too is that he’s perhaps Catholic. The sign of the cross is peculiarly Catholic, isn’t it? Well, when somebody sneezed, and he saw it, he did the sign of the cross in the air as a “bless you”. This is different from all the other “bless yous” I’ve seen signed. So I think I can pinpoint the start of the crush. I don’t know, it’s pure speculation. But I wonder…

The reason why I wonder is that I have never seen a Deaf Catholic. One of my asl teachers was Catholic, but she was hearing. That made me excited, because I really would love to see a Mass done in sign. I don’t know. It’s like I’m doubly alone, religion and deafness. Most deaf people are merely Christian because the other churches are more likely to have interpreters, I found. And Catholic and Deaf is like an invitation to a more meaningful relationship with a guy, with the world.

Well, I’m just rambling now, but I needed to write this down. I’m falling in love with Deafness. It is so exciting, and that’s why I have a hard time concentrating right now, because I’m excited. My family doesn’t really understand. My mom understands the most so far. But then I met a hoh ASL student, and we were like, it was amazing how we experienced the same sort of trials while we were younger. Then I met a Deaf teacher, and it really lit the fire to be glad I’m deaf.

“Thanks, God.  I think you sent me a sign, but could you send me another sign to decipher the first one?”

CrMS September 23, 2007

After writing “He’d better be darn appreciative,” I got a very helpful comment from “Catholic”.  You can see it for yourself, but basically her comment got me going more than anything else I’ve read. I had always thought that the Creighton method and other natural family planning thingys were for couples only…that you had to be married in order to really get to do anything about your horomones.

So I checked on Catholic Answers forums, asking for opinions and thoughts from people about CrMS for single people. 2 or 3 people wrote saying they were single and using CrMS…so I know I’m definitely not alone. That had been one initial factor keeping me from doing much about it. Because I had constantly run across NaPro and CrMS websites, as well as the Institute, while searching for solutions.

And somebody PM’d me on CAF, saying she was a CrMS teacher, and answered all my questions about the method, giving me the phone number for the Institute (in Omaha), and she gave me an overview of how it works. I’m gong to call tomorrow, and ask for the Fertility CareCenter, to set up the introductory session. Hopefully they can accomodate me so I can go during fall break. *crosses fingers*.

My biggest fear in the search for my underlying cause and for a true solution is that the doctors will look at my chart and say, Well, there’s nothing we can do about it. Except that you should stay on the pill. The lady from  CAF said not to worry, Dr. Hilgers (the guy who founded the CrMS) will NOT put me on the pill. He will probably use horomonal supplements, though, to normalize my system, but it is the NATURAL way, following my body’s signals, instead of using a factory approach to it. That makes me feel better, though I’m still uneasy…I read Hilger’s book, Women Healed, and quite a few women said they needed progesterone supplements…and they got it through shots. Can you say ouch? And administering it to myself…that’ll be interesting. I just shivered. But…judging from the testimonials in the book, a 5 second pain is worth 28 days of normalness! I have no idea what is normal, because what I’ve gone through seems normal to me. And my mom. (I’m going through what she has gone through herself. If it holds true, then I will need CrMS for fertility awareness when I get married, because my mom had infertility problems.)

I really hope that the Institute won’t send me away. I’m always unsure until the event actually happens; I’m always afraid I’ll get turned down.  But I’ll keep writing about my process, so that I can hopefully shed light on it for others.

But yes, I think I have at least something similar to PCOS. My mom was diagnosed in her early 20s. I mean, I’m not exactly hairy, but off the pill I had acne, etc etc. And I was sensitive to sugar. It’s not so bad on the Pill, but I still am sensitive to sugar overloads and dips. Eat too many Robin Eggs? I feel like I’m going to throw up. Being extra healthy today? I feel like I’m going to throw up. I have to try to keep it within some sort of range…though I’m not sure what it is. But I’m aware of my cravings. If I crave sugar, I’ll eat some, but I’ll balance it out with almonds (protein). Short-term and long term sugar level maintenance.

I probably have low progesterone too, as Catholic thinks I do. It makes sense. An overdose of estrogen keeps it hard for me to have a period. The Pill is even more estrogen, but puts an artificial control on my body. Sure, it may work. But I read online, the “period” is really only something-bleeding…can’t remember the term, but when you stop estrogen suddenly, your body reacts by bleeding. It’s not a real menstrual period.

 I’m just glad my mom understands that I’m just not satisfied with my two doctors’ advice. I was afraid she’d be resistant to it, but she’s letting me at least go to the introductory session. She hasn’t been saying much about it though. I’m not sure why. But it’s still better than not going, and not knowing!

Though the real test will be insurance. I’m pretty sure it will be covered…but there’s always that chance it won’t be…hopefully it’s within the realm of affordability for a college student like me. Again my future husband had better be darn appreciative for all I’m going through.

On that subject, I keep thinking about B., whom I finally met. I had asked God to let me know who my intended husband is. And when I saw him, I didn’t think too much about it, except that he’s “right”. It’s hard to explain. Like all the other guys? They were like crushes. Like Z. Who’s still very cute. But it’s difficult talking and listening to him. But B., he’s cute, and I can understand him, and conversation comes easily…I found myself thinking…he’d make a good dad and husband. Maybe, maybe not. But I’m hooked on CCM (he’s the VP). I want to meet him in person some more times, to get to know him better.

Maybe I’m imagining it. But when I came into the room, he seemed pleasantly surprised to see me. And he kept sneaking looks at me. I did the same thing…I wanted to see exactly what he looks like in person. But I know that can be construed as flirting. But we kept looking at each other out of the corner of our eyes. I mean, we just met each other. But I wonder…he has cute eyes, you know. From what little I saw of them. Stupid relationship “rules”.

FOCUS/CCM September 21, 2007

I have to say I prefer CCM over FOCUS. (Catholic Campus Ministry vs. Fellowship of Catholic University Students).

 I went to two FOCUS meetings. First time was a long time ago, second time was last night. And I still can’t quite get into it. Not membership-wise, but mentally, you know? I’ve disliked the Pharisees-type people ever since I read that passage for the first time years ago. It’s hard to explain. But while each member of FOCUS individually are nice, when they get into a group like this, then I feel like a stranger. Maybe it’s the preaching. Most likely it’s that. I’ve never liked preaching. FOCUS is a lot like Bible school.

Whereas CCM, I’ve only been to one of their meetings so far, recently. And I love it! It was fun. It wasn’t like “Bible study” at all. I prefer it when people don’t preach/teach but by example. Not by totin’ and quotin’ Bibles. It makes it seem like they’re on shaky ground, and carrying a Bible around gives the illusion of a strong foundation. Dunno if that’s the right view, but it sure seems that way to me.

In CCM, I arrived like two minutes late. (Car trouble that was more like “driver trouble” but that’s another story). And they all welcomed me. There was another new girl there. I misstepped (why am I too honest? I don’t have to divulge all the first time I meet people! Yet it’s my tendency to explain my life on the first meeting. Perhaps I just like to know where people are coming from. But that’s another blog). But they overlooked it. We popped popcorn, talked, drank pop, ate watermelon. We talked for a long time. I felt at ease, whereas in FOCUS I feel like I have to be on guard, maintain a facade. CCM, I could be myself. We watched Freedom Writers, and nobody minded that I wanted the captioning on. We laughed at many of the same spots. It was a very nice fellowship. Not an actual meeting. More like a gathering, as B. said. Maybe that’s the difference.

I hope I can make it back soon! I’m glad they have weekly meetings, and I’m glad I met B in person finally. He’s even better than IM showed. ‘Course I’m just thinking, it’s not like anything would come of it, but he’s the first guy whom I think we’d be compatible. I don’t really know, but I just get that impression. I just hope God’ll give me a sign soon. Who am I supposed to marry?! I wish like a banner would come out of heaven or something, but that’s not likely. Dunno.

Peaceful moment September 16, 2007

Man, have I been busy this week. 18 credit hours, 20 hrs a week at the library, plus writing for the student newspaper, working with the new pro life group, etc etc etc, this last week felt like it was a month long. Basically, I’m getting rundown. But the one thing I can always make time for (though sometimes I wish I didn’t have to do) is to go to Sunday Mass.

 It’s a musical, peaceful break in the midst of a busy college life, the gentle cadence of up, down, kneel, sing, responsorials, is so relaxing, that I feel recharged. Literally, I do. I was getting emotional and frazzled. Yet I realize, this too, will pass. Soon our pro life group will get many members to help out, and I won’t have to do so much. Soon, I’ll take fewer credit hours, and do more extracurriculars that are more fun. Soon, I’ll have time to exercise.

 But for now, one hour every Sunday morning, I slow down, pause, and reflect. I make time for joy. I make room for God in my heart. I let God take my troubles.

 We had a bell choir today, plus piano, plus the adult choir, plus a flute, and it sounded beautiful (if not exactly professional). And music from Mass lives on past that hour…

Seed, scattered and sown, Wheat, gathered and grown, Bread, broken for all, the living bread of God. Vine, fruit of the land, wine, work of our hands, the living cup, the living bread of God… (this is from memory, and it’s probably imperfect, just fyi.)

 Joyful joyful we adore Thee, God of glory, Lord of love! Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee, op’ning to the sun above. Melt the clouds of sin and sadness, Drive the dark of doubt away, We hail the immortal Gladness, Bringer of the light of day!

 Really, going to Mass weekly is worth it! Just one hour, and you’ll feel recharged…:) Trust me.

Dark and dreary part 2 September 10, 2007

Yes, the day was dark and dreary, but the rain did get weary.

In the late afternoon, the clouds broke up, forming distant purple mountains majesties, then it cleared to show the bluest sky and the whitest clouds, and my down mood cleared up, making way for clear thinking and cheerfulness. Could be the sun, could be the caffeine, could be the sucessful Pro Life meeting I just had. But now I’ve got new column ideas for the student newspaper, I’ve got ideas for my three reports, and surpisingly enough, I thought of a word somebody else forgot! (Usually it’s the other way around).

I’ve got a better outlook on life. And I’m not so degratory to myself–I actually sang in front of people. Only three people, 1 friend and 2 acquaintances and it was a bit noisy after the meeting, but they didn’t cringe or anything  and I’ve got people whom on the surface don’t look as they have anything in common with me, but we just harmonized tonight! Yes, I’m still on a different wavelength than the methodical, 100% logical people, but harmony doesn’t happen often. Harmony is a great feeling, leading to great friendships. Somebody said she wasn’t running for vice president, because she has too much on her plate with groups, classes, etc, and I said, same here! We kept pointing an agreeing finger at each other, surprised/happy faces, saying “Yeah,” “And like…” Yeah!” That’s harmony.

 Of course, all my sudden energy and enthusiasm and focus and clear thinking came after the meeting was over at 8, I got home at 9, and now it’s 10, and I’m like, it’s too late to be awake! Oh well. But I came to an important realization too…God exists! It was a down time for me in the morning, in World Civ teacher talked about evolution of religion, and talk of other religion makes me realize, gosh, these people really believed their gods. And I felt rather out of it. Kinda grey and dark. Then I realized that this is a very real feeling, and that perhaps Lucifer is taking advantage of this vulnerability. Like what Luna Lovegood said in the 5th Harry Potter movie, he wants to make us feel like we’re all alone, because then we’re not much of a threat.

That is very true. If we feel like we’re all alone in this world, then we’re not a threat to the devil’s master plan. And you know how I like to be onery. I’d rather annoy the devil than God, you know? Lucifer’s less of a threat, to say the least. God is, quite obviously, the more powerful. He was the one who created the angels, and Lucifer was the cause of his own downfall. I’m not about to let him pull me down with him, you know? So, once I realized this very real internal battle–I can actually feel it when I’m aware– I said a quick prayer to Mary, the Mother of God. I asked her to help me to keep my faith. I remembered Mother Teresa. I mean, Mary never sinned. So she’s the perfect person to show me how NOT to sin. And she’s in a perfect position to petition God and all the angels and saints to help me.

So maybe it was prayer that changed my mood. Becuase it was an almost imperceptible  change at first, but it snowballed. And Now I’m Extremely Happy. Despite the fact I’m still stressed out a bit of school, it doesnt’ seem so bad. Like the pro life group’s president said, (despite the fact our group is non secretarian, non partisian) he said, I don’t know what religon you are, but I believe that God will help us with our cause, no matter how much we have on our plate, He’ll find a way to make it work. And it did work! I almost couldn’t make it to the mtg tonight, but it worked out!

 And now I’d better go to bed quickly, or actually work on real homework instead of writing, but I wanted to tell you guys, like somebody commented to me, we can share our joys too. Not always use blogs to complain. But to show the joys of everyday life, to teach others to take pleasure in being alive. And it is great being alive! Sure, nothing has to be perfect. That won’t stop us from enjoying life. Life is imperfection. And we are all imperfect. We all have bodies, you know? And the heart is willing, but the flesh is weak. Flesh is imperfect. I have an imperfect weight. I feel like I could weigh less, but everybody tells me I look great. My belief is imperfect to, in weight and in faith. People tell me I’m “sweet”. (another story altogether). But I’m like, no….not all the time.

I believe my faith will grow. I believe I will survive this semester. I believe the pro life group will become sucessful. I believe I will write. I believe I will find a boyfriend/potential husband some day. I believe in someday. I believe in the future. I believe in Heaven, and I believe in Hell. I beleive I will always have somebody there to help me through the rough times, and to share the  good times with. I believe.

The day is dark and dreary September 10, 2007

The day is dark and dreary/ the rain is never weary…

“Rainy Day” by…I think Wordsworth?

 Exactly how I feel right now. I’ve felt worse, but really, I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing much. Maybe I’ve overloaded myself? That’s a distinct possibility. 18 credits, school newspaper staff, student senator, pro life group, among other activities, plus the usual helping out at home. Plus I have a cold so I’m either sleepy and miserable, or drugged up and sleepy.

 And I’m feeling like Mother Teresa right now. I’m holding tight onto my belief in God, and yet I wonder…Perhaps it’s Divine Providence that I read about a grandma, who, when she was younger, had a misscarriage. When she died, those surrounding her deathbed saw her perk up (she was barely concious), reach forward, and cradle an invisible baby with a huge smile on her face, then she died, still smiling.

 That to me is proof enough, and it’s keeping me from going into a full doubt. Then I read something else today, somebody wrote about lounging by the pool with God, talking to him, but he never replies. No wonder atheism is so appealing, if you look for something there, and don’t find anything, then there must be nothing. That’s their logic. And yet when you sit in utter stillness, you feel the lifeforce, some beautiful music by which we live our lives, and that’s how we know Somebody is there.

 I love the footprints poem. “it was then I carried you…” Plus, I woke up from a nice dream this morning. It wasn’t the absolute best, but it was enough for me. I was in a class, with this crabby guy next to me. The class was held in a skeleton of a house, you could see its bones, though it had a wood floor and some walls. Anyway, it was a Music class, and the teacher began “It was the first Noel” and after a while, I joined in. I knew my voice wasn’t the best, but I sang anyway, focusing only on the words and music. Then the class was over. Then somehow I made my way back up to the classroom, went to the back, where the floor sloped away from the rafters. When the floor was too far away, I pressed myself against the side of the rafters, it was small enough for me to do that without worrying about falling. And I was still singing the First Noel over and over again. I wanted to be invisible and secure. And that was my “safe place”. Then I woke up, unfortunately. But for that small moment when I was by myself, despite the kids on the lower level, I didn’t  care about them. I was protected. I was safe. And that got me going this morning, and I hope the feeling will come back so I can make it through the rest of the day.

 It was the first Noel, the angels did say, unto certain poor shepherds in fields where they lay, in fields where they lay, keeping their sheep On a cold winter’s night that was so deep. Noel, noel noel noel, Born is the king of Israel

They looked up and saw a star Shining in the east beyond them far To the earth it gave a great light And so it continued both day and night Noel noel noel noel Born is the king of Israel.

Be still sad heart and cease pining/Behind the clouds the sun is still shining/Thy fate is the common fate of all/In each life some rain must fall/Some days must be dark and dreary.

Guys. September 6, 2007

It’s been a while since I’ve updated my search for vocation. Now, I’m quite at peace with marriage and children. I examined exactly why I might have been interested in becoming a nun, and I think maybe I was running away, or being obstinate. It was like a secret disobedience toward my dad. See, he didn’t know anything about my search (nor did my mom for that matter) but all I could think of was his reaction if he found out, about him not liking it or something.

Stupid, I know. Juvenile. I know it seems like I’m wavering back and forth, not knowing what I want. I think it was more of me not knowing what God wants. So, I took some steps in both directions. I signed up to be a lector…mandation is next Thurs. And I went to a FOCUS/CCM meeting last night, a special joint meeting, with the topic of “Dating Game”. It was really helpful, and the guest speaker was great; we all had fun, laughing hard. But he had great tips. I forgot some of it already, but I shared what I learned with my friend here:

On that same topic, I went to a meeting tonight, about the “Dating Game”. The speaker talked about faith-based dating, which was really cool. There’s four principles…I think I remember them all.

***

A, build a solid foundation.

B….We are daughters/sons of God. Girls can never get all the romance they want, and guys can’t get all the honor they want from relationships. But they both can help each other grow, like some romance, some honor. But only God can give us all we want; we place ourselves in God’s hands first and foremost, then honor our spouses.

C, Guys, be guys. Girls, let guys be guys. Basically, guys are little boys in a big boy body. So if a girl asks him out, he’s like, Sure, sounds fun! Because he’s a little boy. But if the boy asks the girl out, that means the boy’s taking responsiblity and initiative, which is as it should be.

D, was be friends, first and foremost. Guys and girls are brothers and sisters with God. He had a great analogy. First, run to Jesus, and you’ll find somebody. And if you’ve been running for a while, look left and right to see who is running alongside you, and you’ll find somebody. And in every day marriage life, it’s not exactly romantic. Poopy diapers, etc. So you need to be best friends with them, because you can help each other through the less-glamorous stuff. I really liked the talk, and I thought you’d like to know this stuff too! It was great.

***

But all this didn’t really help my present status. I’m still single. Never dated. I think I said that already. And I was worried that perhaps it was because of my deafness, you know, scaring guys away. So I posted my worries on a forum, and everybody said not to worry. It’s only because current society puts so much emphasis on the “relationship” vs. the friendship. And I have a few friendships with guys. Single guys. Single cute guys. Single cute (and to varying degrees) considerate guys. And I have a few more facebook friendships with other single cute guys, but I don’t really remember them and I don’t think they really remember me, from the last pro-life group meeting. about 3 months ago.

Bachelor #1– call him B. I’ve been IMing him for a while, and he seems nice and considerate for a friend. I don’t think I ever met him in person, but we go to the same college and have the same friends, it’s just that we’ve never had a chance to meet. Maybe we did, and I don’t remember. Anyway, he said he didn’t mind that I was deaf. “Really, I don’t mind!” Even though I was being all self-deprecating, because I’m afraid to be strong about my deafness. ‘Cause I don’t really like pity-parties, and I don’t want people to think that that’s what I want. Anyway, it happened to be at a time when I was feeling rather down about being deaf/hard of hearing. But his words cheered me up. If he doesn’t mind, then there’s got to be other guys who don’t care either! So, even if we never progress beyond friendship (fine by me…I’m not setting my hopes high), he has certainly helped bolster my spirit. I don’t think he realizes that, but he is great. Also, he remembered that I don’t like to use the phone. Usually people keep asking me for my number because they forget how I rather hate talking on the phone. So that’s another plus! And he’s Catholic, the VP for CCM. So he’s practicing, yet not too ferverent. Nice and laidback, I believe. I have yet to go to a CCM meeting. I hope to do so soon. So I can meet him and see what he’s like in person.

Bachelor #2– call him Z. He’s cute. I thought he was cute from the first time I saw him, at the very first pro life meeting. Also Catholic, only with FOCUS. He has that Indian flair about him, the subcontinent, and in looks, not in actions, that is. I’ve actually met him several times, and I’m hoping, yet I don’t want to set my hopes up high. Which is okay. But he knows I don’t like the phone, yet he called twice. The first time, I don’t think he realized how hard it was for me to hear on the phone. So I’m pretty sure I sounded stupid. At any rate, he hadn’t called back until yesterday, to meet at the library for a pro life mini meeting. Only thing, we met at 11:30, but the president of the group didn’t get out of class until noonish. So, we talked for a half an hour, kind of awkwardly, and I’m sure I’m even more stupid about it. I wish i didn’t constantly degrade my deafness, you know. He sang a bit to himself, and it sounded like he had a good voice. So he sorta–not mumbled–but you know when people talk low and fast, as if to themselves? I only caught a few words about American Idol. So I was joking about maybe I should sign, would that count as a song on American Idol? Because I don’t have a good voice “obviously”.

So, I don’t know, it’s like he forgets I’m deaf, and little comments here and there that I say seem to remind him, and he doesn’t know what to say. I want to be upfront (no nasty surprises). So if he’s not prepared for my deafness, then okay. Not worth it anyway. But it’s a friendship, as always, to begin with.

 There’s a few other guys, like one I talked to briefly about sign language at the Dating Game, after the speech. He was cute, and was interested in signing, and maybe mildly interested in me? I don’t know his name though, to facebook him! But there’s guys out there, I’m finding out. And I’m getting hopeful

 Yeah, I know this is long, and if you survived all the way to the end, reading it, then I’m surprised! But thanks for listening…anonymously. It feels nice to share it with somebody who can’t really judge me properly, or even know me. Or maybe you do, keeping tabs on me. Which is fine. I’m just talking to myself anyway. I can’t really share all this stuff with any one person. I don’t really know anybody who can properly understand, except for God. Only this is more…concrete, I should say.

Pushing ever onwards August 31, 2007

There are so many inspiring and uplifting books at the library—I just finished “Don’t leave me this way: or when I get back on my feet you’ll be sorry” by Julia Fox Garrison, which was both funny and inspiring. We’re a society that prides itself on continuing on forward, and these sort of books and stories are a result of it. Dave Pelzer (“A  Child Called ‘It’”) could have wallowed in self-pity, but no, he made a decision to rise above his history of being abused.

 

Same thing for Julia, but an entirely different set of circumstances. She had a stroke that debilitated her, and several doctors gave her a grim prognosis, eventually ending with her death. But Julia didn’t succumb to the strong pressure to move out of “denial” and come to “acceptance” of their prognosis. She, too, made a conscious decision to not only live, but to thrive.

 

Another example: My parents could have accepted the fact that I would be deaf, mute, and illiterate all my life, but instead they operated “in denial” and did what they think would be best for me. Am I ever glad they did.

           

The reason that so many people are rising above adversity could be like what my former World Civilizations II professor said—we as a society are rising up Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. We refuse to live on the lower levels anymore, to be driven purely by bodily motives. Instead, by sheer mental faculties, we choose to live by our minds, searching for knowledge. We want to realize our potential in life.

 

The next step is living by our spirits, our souls. That is the transcendence level. When we’re no longer bothered by the stresses of life, we’re actually living on another plane, by a whole different set of meaning.

           

It’s difficult to swap out one set of rules for another, to move to transcendence. It’s a leap of faith. And faith itself is difficult to muster up some days. We’re so used to living life our way—whatever we set our minds to, we do. We like that simple cause-and-effect reason.

 

However, there are some things you cannot control, and we have to accept that. The cause-and-effect chain doesn’t include just us; there must be external forces at play, beyond imagination. We aren’t going through life alone, and we can’t be afraid to ask for help. Though the world seems unsteady at times, and life pulls the rug out from underneath your feet.

 

But a funny thing happens. When your main support—yourself—is out, you have to rely on other supports—your friends, family, and faith—to keep you up. With so much support, it becomes much harder to knock you down. Also, you know what it’s like to be down, and you’ll try your best to keep that from happening again. It’s a part of constantly pushing forward to the future, and not dwelling on the past.

 

So, when events conspire against you, just like it did against Julia, Dave, and countless others, reach out and depend on others. Live on a prayer. Place your trust in others, for they will see you through the darkest night until the sun rises again.

Snowflake Babies August 12, 2007

I know I’m not married yet. I don’t have a boyfriend. In fact, I’ve never dated. But I often think about what would happen when I got married. I’m casually thinking about the wedding, but am avoiding looking at any bridal magazines because a) it would only depress me and b) it would freak my mom out. (“You’re getting married?!” “No, just looking…”) She would give me a lecture about how marriage takes work and that nobody is perfect, etc etc. I roll my eyes, and kind of resent it since I’ve never dated yet, but a part of me is listening. And that part is worried I won’t be up to par in “working” on my marriage, afraid I’ll fail miserably.

When I get married, I want to have children, lots of children, and homeschool them all. However, I’m afraid I may be infertile. My mom was a bit infertile, needing lots of help to conceive (naturally–we’re Catholics, you know). She did get a large family, but it took a long time. There’s a few things wrong with my system, as far as I can tell from my cycles.

So, I’m quite prepared to adopt–I’m looking forward to it, saving children from foster care (In fact, I’m considering becoming a foster care family). But there’s a whole generation of children that are hidden…these are the frozen excess embryos from IVF, the so-called “snowflake babies”. You see, the Catholic Church hasn’t offered any insight on this issue officially; only a few Catholic people have touched on the issue. Is it moral or is it not? I don’t believe in IVF, which is an unnatural way of making a human…isn’t sex supposed to be fun? (To tell you the truth, I’m terrified of it). Anyway, a child should be made lovingly (in a literal way), and IVF is a cold, sterile environment.

 Is it morally acceptable, or not? After all, these embryos weren’t made in a natural way. But they are still human (“a person’s a person no matter how small”). I believe that we shouldn’t begrudge these children for other people’s errors, the same way we shouldn’t abort children because of a “mistake”. I believe that these children are deserving of a full life, instead of being frozen until the apocolypse or thrown away like trash. I believe we should give them a chance. I would like to adopt the “snowflake babies”, should I be infertile or even merely have trouble conceiving, and be able to give them life. And I sincerely hope that the Church will share my same views, for how could they not?

 Free the Snowflakes! Free the Snowflakes!

Faith and the Devil August 12, 2007

I vary quite a bit in my faith. Waver is perhaps the better word. I waver over a period of years, and I waver over a period of hours. Yes, I’m a Catholic, but what does that really mean? Is it all worth it? Is it the one true religion? Yes, I have my weak times, where the stream of my faith slows to a trickle. No, I’ve never gave it up; I always have been a Catholic. But there was a time when I positively resented going to Mass on a weekly basis. Even during Confirmation preparation, I wasn’t quite sure, but how could I explain that to my parents? So I felt obligated to go right through, anyway.

Then there was the time I wanted to become a nun. I was quite sure; I had always felt joyful whenever I saw nuns in movies and in real life. I took this as a sign of my calling, and started researching convents. But now I realize I was only truly considering being a nun for another reason. It wasn’t pure faith that drove me, it was my stubborness. You see, my dad’s not exactly the most faithful person. He has his dry times too, I know. I thought it would drive him crazy if I entered a convent, because it wasn’t on his list of things for me to do in my life. To tell you the truth, it isn’t on my mom’s list, either.

Now, I think I’ve moderated. We’re human; we can’t maintian a certain level indefinitely, whether it be our weight or our faith. I know I could improve my knowledge of my faith. But no longer do I settle for agnosticism or zealotism. I’m content to be single, and if I do find that one man in my life, I’d be glad to marry him, work at our marriage, and have children. (I could write while being a stay-at-home mom!) That’s the kind of life I’d like to have.

What I’ve noticed though, when I climbed up from my less-than-stellar faith levels, the Devil seemed particularly strong. He attacked as I tried to be more open to God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. And when I started conquering my sins, he attacked me in my sleep, in my dreams. First it was a general feeling of unease, then he preyed on my insecurities…which I’m ashamed to say is…sex. But I began to overcome this, with the help of Heaven. These dreams recur only occasionally now, and I’m better equipped to counteract them.

Then Satan tried different tactics, and actually preyed upon me at night. As I would wait for sleep to overcome me, ferocious battles would be waged in my head…perhaps it was just imagination, but I increasingly felt despair, until it finally occured to me like a rap on the head from my guardian angel–I could pray! I would cry and pray for forgiveness, until finally these “panic attacks” went away. I would have a visual attack in my dream. I think it’s several posts back, but I posted this dream before, where I was saved by singing “Gentle Woman, Quiet Light”. I think I had similar dreams before then, when I would wake up, shaken. But after this dream I felt deep calm and woke up calm, not panicky.

 Another tactic the devil likes to use is despair and a morass of self-pity. I mean, we’re all sinners right? God takes pity on us and saves us, and I firmly believe this is because He loves us. But how can we ever measure up to His standards? Wouldn’t it be easier not to try? This is the exact sort of thinking that makes Satan rejoice, for it will lead us only downward. If we don’t try to be perfect, might as well sin, because we’re all sinners, and there’s no way we can change that. Yes, we are sinners. But we do our best. And in God’s eyes, that is very good, and that’s why He forgives us…He will always forgive us, no matter how many times we sin.

 I think I made a mortal sin, and this is causing me pain. I’m trying to rationalize it, that no, it’s not mortal, it’s only venial, but really, I’m not sure. I may be scrupulous, but it probably is mortal. But I’m really hoping that God will forgive me. I really hope He will. I’m sure He will, but this is the sort of self-doubt that drags us–me–down. We’re all in the same boat. Yes, sometimes we jump off, but I’m willing to help you back on if you want me to, if you’re willing to help me