Good News November 18, 2007

Okay, this last week wasn’t all horrible. Thursday night was Student Senate. First we rode on a bus to go bowling and have pizza with the chancellors of my school. One guy I sorta like sat in the row opposite of me, and we struck up a little conversation before the bus started, and I understood him okay, even though it was already dark. But once the bus got moving, everybody started talking louder, and so this guy I like still was trying to have a conversation with me. I finally felt brave enough to say, I’m sorry, I can’t hear you very well, it’s loud in here. And he understood, and spoke louder, and didn’t mind repeating himself (sometimes 3 or 4 times before I understood him) and got really close so I could hear. That was really nice of him. He’s a good friend that way

We got there, and the room where we were had bad acoustics, so I couldn’t hear the chancellor speaking very well, or anybody else for that matter. I asked one of my good Senate friends who sorta acts as a mentor, what was going on. She would summarize what people were saying and whisper it to me while they were still talking, and I could read her lips and get by that way. It wasn’t perfect, but it was very nice of her. She also didn’t mind repeating things for me. About halfway through this long session, where it was the senator’s turn to bring up ideas and grievances and such to the chancellors so the chancellor could know what’s going on at the student level, the guy I sorta like turned to me and asked if I could hear, and I said sorta. Usually people don’t ask, because they fear it would be rude. But I think it’s really nice that they’re starting to be more aware of how to help me hear, and help me in the right way. This other guy who’s also nice to me makes sure I can join in the crowd as well. Sometimes I stand off to the side waiting because I don’t want to be rude and just join in a group of people, plus i have no idea what’s going on anyway. But he would say, here, sit here, we’re talking about such and such. Or like on this night, he said, you wanna bowl? as an invitation for me to join them.

We finally got back to the school, where we had the actual Senate. That’s when I found out that the Executive board had changed Senate around a bit “so everybody can hear”. Originally, the exec board faced the senators, and only the speaker had the podium with the mike. The senate had one podium with a mike, facing the exec board, where only people who had to present a bill spoke. Everybody else on both sides of the room just spoke from their seats, and I had had a hard time hearing everything, and kept asking the girl/mentor what was going on. The had made one minor change before I started, and that was giving the entire exec board more mikes so everybody could hear them.

The big change they made for me was to require everybody who had something to say to come up to the podium. Not just raise your hand and remain seated. Go up to the podium and speak. Wow, what a difference! I actually felt in charge of the situation for once. The speaker made several slips, and so did the senators. The senators kept forgetting, and he kept reminding them, either by pointing, or by saying come up to the mike so (insert my name here) can hear. Man, that was nice, and I forgive him, it still made me a bit embarrased. Sometimes, though, the girl/mentor who sat by me said, “Can you come up to speak, we can’t hear.” Instead of “bookwritegirl” can’t hear, she said “we”. It was a small way, but it was so…nice!

They actually changed the procedures of Senate for me. Yes, it benefits everybody, but the reason why they changed it in the first place was to help me hear. At the end, during for the good of the order, we passed around a gavel and everybody got to say whatever was going on in their lives or such. I said something along the lines of “thank you so much for coming up to the microphone and speaking, it makes a world of difference for me, I appreciate it very much” and after that the senators didn’t forget to go up to the microphone so much. They even went up there for the “for the good of the order” which was not expected, but nice all the same.

So, I really felt happy about this night. You guys probably know that I was feeling unsure that any hearing guy would bother dating me if it takes so much work for communication. Even my friends for that matter. But tonight, mere acquaintances and people I know by name only, went along with this change for me. Willingly. Even the two guy senators I had mentioned earlier, whom I’m interested in, even as friends only, didn’t mind at all. That gave me new hope. “People who mind don’t matter, people who matter don’t mind” How true. I must keep reminding myself this, but now I have proof it holds true outside of family and even friends.

At least they understand better than my dad, at this rate. People assume because I can hear, I can hear well. But now Senate is learning that that’s not true, I can hear, but not perfectly. Dad forgets that. A lot. I had forgiven him about last night, willing to move on, but now I found that he’s sulking and that’s why he’s ignoring me, I can’t forget what happened last night anymore. Not until he realizes, which may take a while.

News comes in pairs. Good news, then bad news. Hopefully I’ll get more good news tonight to help balance it out, since the bad news is that one of our new kittens is sick and lethargic and the total opposite of his playful self. He’s at the vet now, I’m waiting to hear the news from mom.

I was hoping to write a uplifting post but… November 7, 2007

I. Hate. Horomones.

There, I got that out of the way. I’m just really weepy all the time. I was on a high from the weekend, when I went to a student senator conference in KC, but that came crashing down on Monday. Blue Monday. Blue Tuesday and Wednesday. Blue tomorrow too…that’s why I’m planning on going to CCM tomorrow night. I hope something good happens tomorrow, because I’m on the verge of crying for no good reason.

Exhibit A. Thursday. I spent 5 hours signing in ASL lab, just chatting away about anything and everything with the students coming in and out of lab and with the teachers and stuff. That was awesome! But downer: I should have been studying. I meant to study, but everything came piling on and didnt’ get started til Weds night, and got a headache so went to bed, thinking sleep would help me think better. Nope. I got my scores back. Got a 192 out of 267. Calculate that for yourself.

Exhibit B. Football game Thurs night, woke up early Fri morning to board a big bus with other student senators to go to KC. That was fun. Got half of a book finished, called Deaf World. I should have brought homework, but I knew I probably wouldn’t get it done. Which turned out to be right. Conferences all day, but it was a ton of fun talking with people. Went out on the town after 5, on the Plaza (which is really, really pretty). Didn’t know where everybody went, so I went wandering around by myself (!) keeping self defense instructions in mind…awake, aware, and on guard. Came back, went with an acquaintance to meet up with others for dinner. Dinner was great. Sat with a group of friends, across from a guy I was interested in. Another guy joined us, I was like, who are you? I mean, I knew he existed, but never really met him. Turns out New Guy is really nice, and he actually was interested in what I had to say. Got to know him a little more that night, me, two girls, and New Guy went to “Across the Universe” which is a really awesome movie btw, even if the middle is a little…interesting… After the movie we walked back to the hotel, stopping along the way to climb on statues, take random pictures, joke around, talk about the movie, etc. Got to the hotel at 1 am, didn’t get to bed til 1:30, didn’t sleep well at all that night, a little upset stomach, a little thinking about the movie, a little wondering about New Guy, is he worth getting to know? Probably a total of 3 hours sleep. Woke up, went to the Truman Library, and you know, got to know New Guy a little more. Funny, that’s for sure. We have a similar sense of humor. He’s Catholic. Still nice. Doesn’t seem to be bothered when I asked him to spell a word I couldn’t hear, and when I asked him to repeat something, acted as if he did that all the time. Got to know him more on the bus. On the bus ride back, a couple of times I saw him looking at me. Including one kinda sweetly awkward moment, like I looked up because I sensed him looking at me, but he didn’t look away, he kept looking at me, so I turned my head away because I didn’t know what to do, then looked back, and he was still looking at me. I shifted my gaze (probably blushing) and then looked back, and he was still looking at me, smiling a little bit. So, was that something or was that because he didn’t have his glasses on? (he can see, his prescription was similar to mine, a little weaker–yes I tried on his glasses). He said he’ll make a copy of the Across the Universe soundtrack for me, give it to me tomorrow at the Student Government meeting. Boy, I couldn’t wait until Thursday.

Exhibit C. Monday. Blue monday. Yucky monday. I was in a great happy mood, chatty with everybody. Then a friend was talking about her great weekend too, and then mentioned “you know, I’m not a virgin anymore, but I love him!” Whoa. Back up. What about me indicated that I like to talk about that stuff? But hey, I know college students sleep around. For some reason that started to affect me. I didn’t show it to her face, though I did encourage her to stay chaste for the rest of the way until she’s married.

Later that monday, I was invited to a sex-ucation class at my university, by so called New Guy. Then I saw him a few moments later, but didnt’ show it them. But later for some reason it affected me. Disappointment I guess, but really, I didn’t use to be affected by other peoples’ decision unless they directly affected me. In retrospect, it’s small in comparison. He probably thinks the class will be one big joke. I was a part of a mass email list, so he didn’t really care who he sent invitations out to. Now i feel a little better, a little more prepared to see him on Thursday without turning into an emotional wreck.

Exhibit D. Last night was a little better. I went out to eat with a ASL friend, talked about a lot of stuff, mostly about ASL. Downer, price of dinner, though I got a 15% student discount. Downer: Got back to campus later than I thought, and had to run 10 mins from parking to class. Carrying 20-25 lbs of stuff. In heels. Stumbled a couple of times, twisted it a bit, but thank goodness it didn’t hurt too much today unless I turned it wrong.

Exhibit E. I don’t like Wednesdays much either. Same classes on Mon are on Weds. Yucky. Wished an acquiantance a happy birthday, and on Facebook  a general invite to everybody to meet up at a restaurant tonight. At 9:15. Whoa, I wish he said 7! Then I would be willing to go. But I’m feeling yucky. Perhaps a little SAD. And 9 seems late. And I still have to study for a test on Fri. I can’t afford to bomb that one too. I need an A in the class to get honors credit.

So, tomorrow is ASL lab and class. That always makes me happier. Too bad I can’t make the city assoc. for the deaf night this month. But I can next month. And I need to ask Teacher about the state assoc. gathering in Dec…it’s on a Sat, when I usually work all day. So, I may have to ask it off, but if it’s in the other city (an hour away) I can’t make it, since even though I’m an adult, I can’t drive on the highway. I’m confident in my own ability. But my dad is not. Plus he warned that it was half his car. So if its in my city, then I can go. I sincerely hope so. Even though it’s a wine and cheese event (whatever that is) I can still go though I’m underage. (I told Teacher when he mentioned it that I would bring sparking grape juice and if anybody asks, I can point to my glass and say yes, I’m 21) He laughed. (A silent one, of course).

Boy, am I disjointed in my thoughts. I try to tell some friends bits and pieces, but they just don’t quite understand enough to hear it all, so I give up, and tell them it’s a bad time of the month for me. Which it has been for a week and a half now. Up down up down up down.

Anyway, I must admit I am looking into dorm living…as long as I can be RA. But it won’t work at all if I can’t have my car, ’cause w/o car means no work. And it’s only half mine because I pay for half, and Dad the other half because the family uses it occasionally. If I move out, then it’ll either be all his or all mine. And I can’t afford paying the whole amt. I’m afraid to ask. Anyway, being an RA means free room and board. I don’t care about the responsibility, I can handle it. Anyway, they’re going to need new RAs for the fall because the new dorm complex will be opening then. Prime time, don’t cha think? I just need a car, then I’m all set!

Plus my dog isn’t dead yet. yes, that sounds morbid. But I don’t feel like I can just pass off the responsibility to someone else just so I can move out. That’s not right. Yet I don’t want her to die. She is old. I think 10 yrs old now, actually. Maybe 11. Wow, that is old. But she doesn’t have any “problems” just a little more persnickety. So, 3 conditions. Need a car, dog needs to be either dead (man I hate saying that) or somebody needs to not mind taking care of her for me, and need to be an RA for free room and board, preferably, since I will be going to Gallaudet and have masters education, so that’s more in tuition I will need to pay. If I was just going for the four years in one major, then yes, I’d move out in a heart beat, I could make it. But that’ll be a lot of debt.

 That’s the other thing weighing on my mind, Gallaudet. Don’t get me wrong, I want to go for sure. It’s my slightly tweaked goal. But I haven’t told my parents yet. Even when I told mom I was thinking about being RA, and she asked me where would I live when I graduated? Umm…Gallaudet? but I didn’t say that. I hedged and said Missouri, because that’s where the master’s program is (despite it being online). I’m going to wait a long time before telling them. Probably my senior year, when I have to apply.

Already I’m looking to save/make more money, including a summer job. I want to save up money for either dorm living next fall or the fall after. And for Gallaudet. And to go on trips of my own. Not a family trip stuck in a car with my little fussy siblings for 14 hours to visit Great Grandma. I want to go to KC again to the Plaza. Or to DC, road trip! to Gallaudet. Something. I’m itching to be on my own. Esp. since almost all my friends are living in dorms/sharing apts/sharing houses, they get to come and go as they please, while I have to be home by 11, not as curfew, but to keep from waking anybody up, is mom’s terminology. I wish my siblings weren’t so stinkin’ young.

Man, yeah, this is a stupid downer post, and I apologize for posting one like this one yet again. It really stinks. But who else can I  tell?  I don’t know anybody through my blog as a close friend, but a world of strangers for some reason are good people to vent to, because I know this post will be read, and if commented on at all, the comments won’t really mean anything because I don’t know them. Yeah.

So I hope tomorrow is better. I’m definitely stopping by CCM after student government. And I may crash Theology on Tap if I get out of meeting early enough…yeah, I’ll do that I feel better already. Secrets make me feel better…won’t tell mom or dad. And hopefully I’ll see some people there. I just want to get out of the house. The KC trip really made me antsy because independence and not telling mom or dad that I was out til 1 in the morning was really freeing. Sounds bad, but it’s true. Yeah, I’m looking into RA. Hopefully Dad’ll buy another car, he’s finishing the last payment on the family car in two months, so…it’s a distinct possibility. I just want to get out now. Have fun. Good thing I’m taking 18 credits this semester and 19 next semester, so I can take more decent schedules the next 3 years to make time for other fun things.

 Thanks for listening. I’m signing off now to do homework.

Just thinking aloud… October 17, 2007

Admissions finally contacted me (they did it last week, but didn’t answer my question, so I didn’t reply), with an answer, and a promise to help me. So I replied, with about 10 more questions, mostly about finances. So I decided to sketch it out. :

 

Gallaudet Costs est. for Spring 09, assuming a rate hike. Every school does it every year:

Roundtrip flight: $400

Tuition (1 semester): $6000

Unit fee: $140

Room: $3000

Board: $2000

Health Service Fee: $60

Application: $50

Admission: $50

Registration: $15

Room Deposit: $200

Books: $500

Total: $12,415

 

Est. Stafford Loan (1 semester): $3,500

Est. Scholaships (1 sem): $1,750

Total: $5,250

 

12,415 minus 5,250 = $7,165 (That’s if I can make my scholarships apply. Gallaudet bills my school, and my school bills me, so would I technically still be paying my school? I wonder if they’ll pay the difference…)

would VR pay for this? I hope!

 October 17, 2007

Thoughts: Since I’m student senator, my term ends mid October next year. So I can’t really do fall 08 visiting. It would probably be Spring. If I do a Deaf World Day…make it an annual or a semester event…could I do that next spring, and all of the information, would somebody else be able to carry it off without my help? Or maybe I could do the planning long distance; just would need somebody willing to be there for me (unless I could afford plan tickets for that event). Or should I just do it in spring, then again in fall, and thereafter every fall?

 

Of course, I could look into a summer semester. But that probably wouldn’t have the same flavor, I don’t think.

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot Spring 09 will be crazy. Inauguration Ceremony…but that would be awesome!!! to see one in person! Plus by 09 I’ll know whether Gally keeps accreditation status or not, since their probation ends fall 08.

 

I’m saving up money. So far I’ve saved up over $1000. I’d have to convince Mom and Dad that this is worth delving into savings for. The experience.

 

I have to see. If I have to wipe out all my savings, then it probably wouldn’t be worth it. I need seed money for the future, for an apt. etc. Loans…eeeh, I’m kinda skittish around them. So far I’ve been paying off the interest each month as it accumulates. I suppose it wouldn’t kill me. I have to take a look at interest rates first. I doubt Gally would pay for some of my school costs. Would they?

 

Gally Honors would work with me! Plus I’ll bet UNO would count this as a sort of colloquium. Plus Gally offers colloqs. I’m almost done with my honors classes reqs! So I may not have to worry, if I get 6 or 9 next semester. I’m looking into tutoring for ASL, since one of my co-workers is taking it, she wants my help, etc…so that may work?! (Tutoring gets me add’l honors credits).

 

I’m waiting to hear from VR again, and Admissions. See what they have to say, to help clarify some stuff. I’m glad I started soon, because they both seem kinda slow. Hmm…maybe I can schedule an appt with VR during Thanskgiving week, one of my classes is off entire week instead of only Th and F, I can visit them during that time and be back in time for my night class. I would LOVE it if its true that they help with tuition.

 

I’m sure Lib will allow me a semester off…after all, they seem to have a need for a deaf outreach prog. The other day one library called, and a co-worker answered it and called me over. She talked on the phone, told me what a patron was signing, and I helped to translate as best as I could. The patron was already gone, but they were curious. I told them next time it’s perfectly fine to use a pen and paper. I love my city, and  I don’t really want to move. Just travel. Besides, I have a dream of making my city like a Midlands Deaf haven, be surrounded by peers in a community of great people in a great city…getting an ASL degree offered at my univ., Deaf day, money to expand our Deaf institution museum, and maybe even reopening our deaf school? Get more theaters to show captioned movies. Really expand things. And the library system would be a good start. I can accomplish great things here. Maybe become mayor. Maybe. Seems like a thankless job, but it might be worth it to get things done.

identity crisis October 10, 2007

 i just commented on a post titled “self”. it struck a taut cord.

i kept hovering close to tears all morning. could be horomones. but horomones themselves don’t do anything. something triggered it. and it was a comment on my manuscript that i posted. i almost deleted it, just because it wasn’t what i wanted to hear. but i try to live by a tenet that all comments, both critical and praiseful, are growing points.

i was riding on a high wave because i got such a positive response from my teacher. it prolonged a wave that was already leaking energy, that is, my happiness that i’m deaf. i was frustrated because i couldn’t hear the guest speaker in one of my classes yesterday. he assumed i was hearing.

i hate that, when people think i’m hearing, until i tell them to speak up or something, because i’m deaf. (or they notice my ci or ha, or find out i know asl, or as in the case of my manuscript, think it’s written so well because it’s something i know). then they think i’m Deaf and not hearing, and act all weird. then Deaf people see the same thing, they know i’m not capital D Deaf, that i’m hearing.

so i’m bouncing between these two worlds. i thought i had a sturdy footing, but i was standing 4 feet into the ocean, always bobbing back and forth, not quite drowning, not quite on dry land. then the huge wave came along and knocked me off my feet. you know the feeling when you’re in the ocean or pool, and that moment when you’re disoriented; you don’t know which way is up or down?

i am lost, and my tears are salt. a bit melodramatic, ya think? but i do feel this way. who am i? i’m not hearing, i’m not deaf. one group thinks i’m part of the other.

it’s my cross to bear. i just hope that God’ll answer my prayers, that St. Francis de Sales will relay the message for me.

 Act of Abandonment by St. FdS

O my God, I thank you and I praise you for accomplishing your holy and all-lovable will without any regard for mine. With my whole heart, in spite of my heart, do I receive this cross I feared so much! (yeah, i feared it. for nearly 20 years i fear it. ‘in spite of my heart’ is right. with my whole heart? i need help!)

It is the cross of Your choice, the cross of Your love. I venerate it; nor for anything in the world would I wish that it had not come, since You willed it. (yeah, yeah, God gives us only what he can handle, ‘but i wish He didn’t trust me so much’. yet i’m glad He didn’t make me blind. i can’t bear not to read books)

I keep it with gratitude and with joy, as I do everything that comes from Your hand; and I shall strive to carry it without letting it drag, and with all the respect and all the attention which Your works deserve. (joy? okay, i did that for a while. i try to carry it. yet it feels like it’s dragging. dragging me down. i’m failing, aren’t i? )

Amen.

i know though that despite my rough time, that God does answer prayers. He’s answered several over the years for me. but i have a hard time telling if i’ve been answered yet or not. i did have a dream last night that i went to go get my cochlear implant out of my dri-aid, but it wasn’t there. and i wasn’t terribly worried. just thought that i must never have had it. to me not having the ci means being quite deaf. and being quite deaf, could that possibly mean my prayers as to my trying to enculture the Deaf culture, as in, will my prayers of attending gallaudet possibly come true soon?

*sigh* i kept checking email all of today though, and no answer as of yet. maybe tomorrow? i feel like such a heel for having an identity crisis. i was raised hearing, i should be hearing, yet i feel unsteady in that world. also, God provides, why should i doubt? yet i keep my faith. it is said a faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. is it true?

Gallaudet? October 7, 2007

Okay, per some suggestions I’ve received from various people (it was helpful in realizing what’s available) I made up a to-do list:

1)Look up Gallaudet visiting student information and guidelines

2)Look up classes I can take that could apply for my English major

3)Find out if these classes can transfer to my university.

4)Talk with Financial Aid to see if they can put a “hold” on my scholarships (if I miss a semester or fall below full time, I could lose the scholarship). Or if my scholarships can transfer, just as it would for exchange students. Note: If they can’t hold or transfer my scholarships, if visiting Gally would mean losing the scholarships, well, that would call the whole thing off. Unless I do it in my 2nd year Senior year, when my scholarships run out.

5) Find out if I can get financial aid or scholarships from Gallaudet?

6) Tuition there at my university’s tuition rate? (Believe it or not…it’s about the same price, but I have to double check)

5) Find out what I need to do for FAFSA, to continue (or increase) my loans. Do I input my university, or do I put down Gallaudet (even if I do it for only a semester)?

6)Find out the total cost of attending for one (maybe two?) semesters.

7)Save up money.

8)See if I can count Gallaudet for my Honors program…perhaps joining Gally’s Honors Program would count toward my minimum of one honors class a semester req?

9)Talk to my English advisor, see if I can get the English classes to transfer. Talk to my Creative Writing advisor, see if I can not take a writing class that semester

10)Talk to my employer, see if I can do a leave of absence for a semester (or two?) and then return to my job when I get back.

11)See if I can get a temp. library job at Gallaudet?

12) Gallaudet dorms? req. for that? I hope I can get a dorm, because a) it’s cheaper and b) safer than an apartment. Plus it’s better for immersion

 13) Application process. If I try for Fall of 08, how soon do I need to apply? Or Spring of 09? (I hope fall, because of Sign Language week!)

14) Once I find out everything, talk to my parents. They’re pretty adversive to anything that might cost more. Plus I don’t know how they would feel about me trying to be more “Deaf”. After all, they put a lot of effort into raising me (hearing). I don’t grudge them that, but I do feel the need to balance it out. I just don’t know how they would react.

15) Apply.

16) Save up money.

17) Go. (if all works out )

 Plus whatever little steps I have to do, like pack and see if I can take my car, and transfer my prescription, etc. I hope it works out like I want it to.

Peaceful moment September 16, 2007

Man, have I been busy this week. 18 credit hours, 20 hrs a week at the library, plus writing for the student newspaper, working with the new pro life group, etc etc etc, this last week felt like it was a month long. Basically, I’m getting rundown. But the one thing I can always make time for (though sometimes I wish I didn’t have to do) is to go to Sunday Mass.

 It’s a musical, peaceful break in the midst of a busy college life, the gentle cadence of up, down, kneel, sing, responsorials, is so relaxing, that I feel recharged. Literally, I do. I was getting emotional and frazzled. Yet I realize, this too, will pass. Soon our pro life group will get many members to help out, and I won’t have to do so much. Soon, I’ll take fewer credit hours, and do more extracurriculars that are more fun. Soon, I’ll have time to exercise.

 But for now, one hour every Sunday morning, I slow down, pause, and reflect. I make time for joy. I make room for God in my heart. I let God take my troubles.

 We had a bell choir today, plus piano, plus the adult choir, plus a flute, and it sounded beautiful (if not exactly professional). And music from Mass lives on past that hour…

Seed, scattered and sown, Wheat, gathered and grown, Bread, broken for all, the living bread of God. Vine, fruit of the land, wine, work of our hands, the living cup, the living bread of God… (this is from memory, and it’s probably imperfect, just fyi.)

 Joyful joyful we adore Thee, God of glory, Lord of love! Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee, op’ning to the sun above. Melt the clouds of sin and sadness, Drive the dark of doubt away, We hail the immortal Gladness, Bringer of the light of day!

 Really, going to Mass weekly is worth it! Just one hour, and you’ll feel recharged…:) Trust me.

Dark and dreary part 2 September 10, 2007

Yes, the day was dark and dreary, but the rain did get weary.

In the late afternoon, the clouds broke up, forming distant purple mountains majesties, then it cleared to show the bluest sky and the whitest clouds, and my down mood cleared up, making way for clear thinking and cheerfulness. Could be the sun, could be the caffeine, could be the sucessful Pro Life meeting I just had. But now I’ve got new column ideas for the student newspaper, I’ve got ideas for my three reports, and surpisingly enough, I thought of a word somebody else forgot! (Usually it’s the other way around).

I’ve got a better outlook on life. And I’m not so degratory to myself–I actually sang in front of people. Only three people, 1 friend and 2 acquaintances and it was a bit noisy after the meeting, but they didn’t cringe or anything  and I’ve got people whom on the surface don’t look as they have anything in common with me, but we just harmonized tonight! Yes, I’m still on a different wavelength than the methodical, 100% logical people, but harmony doesn’t happen often. Harmony is a great feeling, leading to great friendships. Somebody said she wasn’t running for vice president, because she has too much on her plate with groups, classes, etc, and I said, same here! We kept pointing an agreeing finger at each other, surprised/happy faces, saying “Yeah,” “And like…” Yeah!” That’s harmony.

 Of course, all my sudden energy and enthusiasm and focus and clear thinking came after the meeting was over at 8, I got home at 9, and now it’s 10, and I’m like, it’s too late to be awake! Oh well. But I came to an important realization too…God exists! It was a down time for me in the morning, in World Civ teacher talked about evolution of religion, and talk of other religion makes me realize, gosh, these people really believed their gods. And I felt rather out of it. Kinda grey and dark. Then I realized that this is a very real feeling, and that perhaps Lucifer is taking advantage of this vulnerability. Like what Luna Lovegood said in the 5th Harry Potter movie, he wants to make us feel like we’re all alone, because then we’re not much of a threat.

That is very true. If we feel like we’re all alone in this world, then we’re not a threat to the devil’s master plan. And you know how I like to be onery. I’d rather annoy the devil than God, you know? Lucifer’s less of a threat, to say the least. God is, quite obviously, the more powerful. He was the one who created the angels, and Lucifer was the cause of his own downfall. I’m not about to let him pull me down with him, you know? So, once I realized this very real internal battle–I can actually feel it when I’m aware– I said a quick prayer to Mary, the Mother of God. I asked her to help me to keep my faith. I remembered Mother Teresa. I mean, Mary never sinned. So she’s the perfect person to show me how NOT to sin. And she’s in a perfect position to petition God and all the angels and saints to help me.

So maybe it was prayer that changed my mood. Becuase it was an almost imperceptible  change at first, but it snowballed. And Now I’m Extremely Happy. Despite the fact I’m still stressed out a bit of school, it doesnt’ seem so bad. Like the pro life group’s president said, (despite the fact our group is non secretarian, non partisian) he said, I don’t know what religon you are, but I believe that God will help us with our cause, no matter how much we have on our plate, He’ll find a way to make it work. And it did work! I almost couldn’t make it to the mtg tonight, but it worked out!

 And now I’d better go to bed quickly, or actually work on real homework instead of writing, but I wanted to tell you guys, like somebody commented to me, we can share our joys too. Not always use blogs to complain. But to show the joys of everyday life, to teach others to take pleasure in being alive. And it is great being alive! Sure, nothing has to be perfect. That won’t stop us from enjoying life. Life is imperfection. And we are all imperfect. We all have bodies, you know? And the heart is willing, but the flesh is weak. Flesh is imperfect. I have an imperfect weight. I feel like I could weigh less, but everybody tells me I look great. My belief is imperfect to, in weight and in faith. People tell me I’m “sweet”. (another story altogether). But I’m like, no….not all the time.

I believe my faith will grow. I believe I will survive this semester. I believe the pro life group will become sucessful. I believe I will write. I believe I will find a boyfriend/potential husband some day. I believe in someday. I believe in the future. I believe in Heaven, and I believe in Hell. I beleive I will always have somebody there to help me through the rough times, and to share the  good times with. I believe.

The day is dark and dreary September 10, 2007

The day is dark and dreary/ the rain is never weary…

“Rainy Day” by…I think Wordsworth?

 Exactly how I feel right now. I’ve felt worse, but really, I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing much. Maybe I’ve overloaded myself? That’s a distinct possibility. 18 credits, school newspaper staff, student senator, pro life group, among other activities, plus the usual helping out at home. Plus I have a cold so I’m either sleepy and miserable, or drugged up and sleepy.

 And I’m feeling like Mother Teresa right now. I’m holding tight onto my belief in God, and yet I wonder…Perhaps it’s Divine Providence that I read about a grandma, who, when she was younger, had a misscarriage. When she died, those surrounding her deathbed saw her perk up (she was barely concious), reach forward, and cradle an invisible baby with a huge smile on her face, then she died, still smiling.

 That to me is proof enough, and it’s keeping me from going into a full doubt. Then I read something else today, somebody wrote about lounging by the pool with God, talking to him, but he never replies. No wonder atheism is so appealing, if you look for something there, and don’t find anything, then there must be nothing. That’s their logic. And yet when you sit in utter stillness, you feel the lifeforce, some beautiful music by which we live our lives, and that’s how we know Somebody is there.

 I love the footprints poem. “it was then I carried you…” Plus, I woke up from a nice dream this morning. It wasn’t the absolute best, but it was enough for me. I was in a class, with this crabby guy next to me. The class was held in a skeleton of a house, you could see its bones, though it had a wood floor and some walls. Anyway, it was a Music class, and the teacher began “It was the first Noel” and after a while, I joined in. I knew my voice wasn’t the best, but I sang anyway, focusing only on the words and music. Then the class was over. Then somehow I made my way back up to the classroom, went to the back, where the floor sloped away from the rafters. When the floor was too far away, I pressed myself against the side of the rafters, it was small enough for me to do that without worrying about falling. And I was still singing the First Noel over and over again. I wanted to be invisible and secure. And that was my “safe place”. Then I woke up, unfortunately. But for that small moment when I was by myself, despite the kids on the lower level, I didn’t  care about them. I was protected. I was safe. And that got me going this morning, and I hope the feeling will come back so I can make it through the rest of the day.

 It was the first Noel, the angels did say, unto certain poor shepherds in fields where they lay, in fields where they lay, keeping their sheep On a cold winter’s night that was so deep. Noel, noel noel noel, Born is the king of Israel

They looked up and saw a star Shining in the east beyond them far To the earth it gave a great light And so it continued both day and night Noel noel noel noel Born is the king of Israel.

Be still sad heart and cease pining/Behind the clouds the sun is still shining/Thy fate is the common fate of all/In each life some rain must fall/Some days must be dark and dreary.

Guys. September 6, 2007

It’s been a while since I’ve updated my search for vocation. Now, I’m quite at peace with marriage and children. I examined exactly why I might have been interested in becoming a nun, and I think maybe I was running away, or being obstinate. It was like a secret disobedience toward my dad. See, he didn’t know anything about my search (nor did my mom for that matter) but all I could think of was his reaction if he found out, about him not liking it or something.

Stupid, I know. Juvenile. I know it seems like I’m wavering back and forth, not knowing what I want. I think it was more of me not knowing what God wants. So, I took some steps in both directions. I signed up to be a lector…mandation is next Thurs. And I went to a FOCUS/CCM meeting last night, a special joint meeting, with the topic of “Dating Game”. It was really helpful, and the guest speaker was great; we all had fun, laughing hard. But he had great tips. I forgot some of it already, but I shared what I learned with my friend here:

On that same topic, I went to a meeting tonight, about the “Dating Game”. The speaker talked about faith-based dating, which was really cool. There’s four principles…I think I remember them all.

***

A, build a solid foundation.

B….We are daughters/sons of God. Girls can never get all the romance they want, and guys can’t get all the honor they want from relationships. But they both can help each other grow, like some romance, some honor. But only God can give us all we want; we place ourselves in God’s hands first and foremost, then honor our spouses.

C, Guys, be guys. Girls, let guys be guys. Basically, guys are little boys in a big boy body. So if a girl asks him out, he’s like, Sure, sounds fun! Because he’s a little boy. But if the boy asks the girl out, that means the boy’s taking responsiblity and initiative, which is as it should be.

D, was be friends, first and foremost. Guys and girls are brothers and sisters with God. He had a great analogy. First, run to Jesus, and you’ll find somebody. And if you’ve been running for a while, look left and right to see who is running alongside you, and you’ll find somebody. And in every day marriage life, it’s not exactly romantic. Poopy diapers, etc. So you need to be best friends with them, because you can help each other through the less-glamorous stuff. I really liked the talk, and I thought you’d like to know this stuff too! It was great.

***

But all this didn’t really help my present status. I’m still single. Never dated. I think I said that already. And I was worried that perhaps it was because of my deafness, you know, scaring guys away. So I posted my worries on a forum, and everybody said not to worry. It’s only because current society puts so much emphasis on the “relationship” vs. the friendship. And I have a few friendships with guys. Single guys. Single cute guys. Single cute (and to varying degrees) considerate guys. And I have a few more facebook friendships with other single cute guys, but I don’t really remember them and I don’t think they really remember me, from the last pro-life group meeting. about 3 months ago.

Bachelor #1– call him B. I’ve been IMing him for a while, and he seems nice and considerate for a friend. I don’t think I ever met him in person, but we go to the same college and have the same friends, it’s just that we’ve never had a chance to meet. Maybe we did, and I don’t remember. Anyway, he said he didn’t mind that I was deaf. “Really, I don’t mind!” Even though I was being all self-deprecating, because I’m afraid to be strong about my deafness. ‘Cause I don’t really like pity-parties, and I don’t want people to think that that’s what I want. Anyway, it happened to be at a time when I was feeling rather down about being deaf/hard of hearing. But his words cheered me up. If he doesn’t mind, then there’s got to be other guys who don’t care either! So, even if we never progress beyond friendship (fine by me…I’m not setting my hopes high), he has certainly helped bolster my spirit. I don’t think he realizes that, but he is great. Also, he remembered that I don’t like to use the phone. Usually people keep asking me for my number because they forget how I rather hate talking on the phone. So that’s another plus! And he’s Catholic, the VP for CCM. So he’s practicing, yet not too ferverent. Nice and laidback, I believe. I have yet to go to a CCM meeting. I hope to do so soon. So I can meet him and see what he’s like in person.

Bachelor #2– call him Z. He’s cute. I thought he was cute from the first time I saw him, at the very first pro life meeting. Also Catholic, only with FOCUS. He has that Indian flair about him, the subcontinent, and in looks, not in actions, that is. I’ve actually met him several times, and I’m hoping, yet I don’t want to set my hopes up high. Which is okay. But he knows I don’t like the phone, yet he called twice. The first time, I don’t think he realized how hard it was for me to hear on the phone. So I’m pretty sure I sounded stupid. At any rate, he hadn’t called back until yesterday, to meet at the library for a pro life mini meeting. Only thing, we met at 11:30, but the president of the group didn’t get out of class until noonish. So, we talked for a half an hour, kind of awkwardly, and I’m sure I’m even more stupid about it. I wish i didn’t constantly degrade my deafness, you know. He sang a bit to himself, and it sounded like he had a good voice. So he sorta–not mumbled–but you know when people talk low and fast, as if to themselves? I only caught a few words about American Idol. So I was joking about maybe I should sign, would that count as a song on American Idol? Because I don’t have a good voice “obviously”.

So, I don’t know, it’s like he forgets I’m deaf, and little comments here and there that I say seem to remind him, and he doesn’t know what to say. I want to be upfront (no nasty surprises). So if he’s not prepared for my deafness, then okay. Not worth it anyway. But it’s a friendship, as always, to begin with.

 There’s a few other guys, like one I talked to briefly about sign language at the Dating Game, after the speech. He was cute, and was interested in signing, and maybe mildly interested in me? I don’t know his name though, to facebook him! But there’s guys out there, I’m finding out. And I’m getting hopeful

 Yeah, I know this is long, and if you survived all the way to the end, reading it, then I’m surprised! But thanks for listening…anonymously. It feels nice to share it with somebody who can’t really judge me properly, or even know me. Or maybe you do, keeping tabs on me. Which is fine. I’m just talking to myself anyway. I can’t really share all this stuff with any one person. I don’t really know anybody who can properly understand, except for God. Only this is more…concrete, I should say.

yeah, yeah, yeah… June 25, 2007

I know I haven’t written in a while. But according to my stats, I’m still doing all right! The top posts are about the National Anthem in ASL and the difference between happiness and joy.

 Anyway, summer is busy. It’s supposed to be lazy, I know, but I’ve been cramming in all the stuff I’ve been meaning to do all school year long, and now it’s like a full time job in itself! Redid my room completely, paint, floor, new door, etc. Worked on my story…yet I’m procrastinating…guess why I’m updating my blog? Updated the list of all the books I own…it’s topping 700 books easily  Made my outfit for the Harry Potter release parties…the book and the movie!!!! getting closer and closer…attended Shakespeare…Perhaps I’ll get my first boyfriend this summer? I can only hope This one guy, “Z”, is cute. And sweet. And loves his little sisters. And is Catholic. And supports all the right causes. And likes that I’m learning ASL. And thinks my double major is awesome…and this is the guy with the cool major in art! I almost did that myself…before I decided I liked writing better. I just don’t know, though. Does he like me, too? I mean, he talks to me. He asks questions about me. I can’t believe how stupid I sound, answering some of those questions…I’ve always been really cautious about conversations in general, because I don’t want to talk about the wrong thing (due to my deafness).

“So, where do you work?” <—him    “That sounds great!” <—me   “Uhhhh…” <—him    *blushes*<—me

 Then I get rather flustered sometimes, and forget to ask him questions too…and I’m afraid he’ll think I’m self-centered! Really, I want to learn more about other people (and him, too)! ‘Kay, I understand this may be a simple crush, but I must be honest…I’ve never been in love before. So I don’t know what it feels like as compared to a crush. I’m trying to be really cautious, so I don’t get let down, but at the same time be “available”…But I get excited when he writes to me on Facebook…or when I get a chance to meet him…usually I dread crowds and large groups of friends, but I was excited to go to an outdoor play where everybody was there, just because he was there…:)

Is this pizza love, or is it true love? Pizza love is having a pan of pizza in front of you, and saying “I really love pizza!” but when it’s gone, the love’s gone, too. True love on the other hand….Great distinction, isn’t it? But with people, it’s different.

*does he love me, does he not, does he love me, does he not* does he have a girlfriend? does he even like me? he did say he would come and visit me at work sometime, but that he would have to catch a bus…should i have offered to drive him somewhere? is that why he’s not taking bolder action with me, that he can’t provide on a date if he doesn’t have a car? i should have offered him a ride sometime, because, really, i don’t mind driving if i have to, esp. if it means we have a chance to see if we’re right for each other….but if he doesn’t have a car, then that might me he thinks he can’t provide for me if we’re married, because being deaf is expensive and taxing, not only for me but for those who love me like my parents, so perhaps my deafness scares potential men away because they don’t think they can provide for me and potential deaf children we might have. that’s rather depressing, once you think about it, but someday God will send the right man along, though I’m hoping it’s “Z”! i’ll keep hoping and praying and last night i did the rosary to that end…*

Okay, got this out. You may be wondering…and vocation search has taken a new turn. Now, more than ever, I’m thinking that perhaps my vocation is marriage, instead of religous life. Sure, it sounds great to me, to become a nun, a great sacrifice and all, but it just doesn’t feel right. I prayed a lot. I talked to a lot of nuns on various forums, but there’s no real spark. Then on a forum somebody asked if being single could be a vocation, and that got me thinking…I won’t mind being single! At least for a while. That way, I can help out a lot with my time, talents, and money from my job, since I don’t have anybody to support. Then when I get married, I’ll have lots of kids, adopted, natural, foster perhaps. I love kids. I love doing cookies, reading ,etc etc, though I must admit that sometimes I just get sick and tired…but then, what mom doesn’t?

So, now, I finally wrote a new blog post. I hope you’re happy I’m rather pleased, myself. After procrastinating so long, it won’t keep bothering me for a while. I can enjoy my vacation in relative peace. Remember, women’s brains are like computers…we have a window open per subject, maybe several for each subject, and they’re all running all at the same time, and we can switch among them all, sometimes purposefully, sometimes against our will. And they’ll keep running until we do something to shut down the program. Whether it’s cleaning, or writing, or catching up with a friend, I’m gradually shutting down the windows that’s been pestering me since perhaps September…

If somebody reads this and thinks they know it’s me, feel free to both not tell me, or ask me about something, but please don’t pester me if I’d rather not discuss it. But typically, I won’t mind talking about it, as long as you have an open mind and you don’t bring it up in front of other people, and don’t keep dragging it up later after we’ve already been over the topic. This is the only place I can vent without affecting how some people see me. It’s not to say I don’t trust you, it’s that I don’t trust myself. I like being anonymous to try out ideas without committing myself to a certain path…if that makes sense…