Well, even though I’m seriously thinking about becoming a sister or a nun, lately the scale’s been tipping in the other direction to the other great vocation: marriage.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have a boyfriend, and have never had one, so it’s not even a remote possibility at the moment, but I feel like I’m looking forward to love, marriage, a life-long best friend, children, and a house. The great American dream, I know. I don’t want to preclude that option by announcing that I’m in the discernment process right now. The man of my dreams could think that he’ll never get me because I’m too stuck up to open up to love. Then again, I wonder, could the “man of my dreams” be Jesus?
Also, would becoming a nun scare my friends off? I have a few atheistic/you name its as friends, and slowly I feel I’m setting an example for them, showing them that religion doesn’t automatically exclude peace. And if I become a nun, I’m afraid that it would undo what little I’ve done so far. Not that nuns are warriors, but that to them I’m “so single-minded in my faith that I just had to become a nun”. If that even makes sense at all.
The thing is, like my mom just told me, my “heart is so big” and I “want to save the world”. Her words, not mine. I would instead say that I want to do my part, help out where I can, when I can. I want to help out pro-life efforts, encourage others to read, encourage cord blood stem cell research (which have the qualities of embryonic, but without the controversy and without the risk of morphing into cancer cells), help the homeless, promote libraries, write great books, etc etc. My mom is suggesting (when I told her I was going to join the homeless group that’s just forming on campus) that I pick one issue and devote my time to it. Like libraries and writing and pro-life. There’s so much to improve in the world that I want to be a part of, but maybe she’s saying the world is already a better place, and would improve even greater if we picked one way we can help out, and devote all our energies into that one thing.
The trouble is, which one? That’s where joining a convent comes in. See, they have so many ways they help out the community and the world, that I wouldn’t have to pick. Or picking a religious vocation, which automatically makes me a part of all the other groups.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m standing on the threshold of two doors. One is marriage vocation, and the other is religious vocation. I have one foot in each room, which prevents me from taking full part of either parties that’s going on in both rooms. And, like anybody else who has been in the same place can tell you, having one foot in each place makes you very, very unbalanced at the moment.