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Apology and non-apology January 20, 2008

Filed under: college,dating,friends,guys,joy,life,Love — bookwritegirl @ 6:33 pm

I know I haven’t blogged in a while. I apologize for that. Before I was almost compulsive…I had to blog. Why that changed? I’m not 100% sure. Actually, I am 100% sure. It took me a while to figure out what changed. And then a little while more to examine my true motives for blogging and not blogging.

Okay. I started this blog as a diary, almost. I tried to keep my own diaries, but I felt incredibly self-conscious and stupid. “Dear Diary…etc etc etc”. That very quickly fell out of use, because a) I would have to carry it around with me all the time and b) people are naturally very curious when I’m writing in a journal-type book, with no other textbooks around. Typing on a computer elicits a neutral response. But saving a file or a folder of diary entries? Still felt problematic to me. If anybody found it, I can’t claim plausible deniability. I wanted to disassociate me from myself, as it felt like an attractive idea at the time. I can be myself without having to put on a show all the time.

And it has been helpful. It had helped me to talk things out without ever feeling like I’m burdening anybody with troubles and thoughts that should be mine and thus only my responsibility. Yes, I know, it should still have remained in my mind, my own worries are nothing compared to yours or anybody else’s. And I understand that completely! I really do know that some people have more difficulties than others. (I also know that some people whine more than others. At some point you must just roll up your sleeves and get to work.)

I see my last real post was end of November, when the pressure started increasing and my last short post was December, in the midst of finals. I apologize as I didn’t realize how long it had been. But I also don’t apologize, because I have a fairly good reason for it. Ever since it happened, I’ve been feeling great. No longer do I feel…apologetic, sad, down, under pressure, worried about life in general, etc etc. None of these are right words. I had worried a lot. I generally had been confused. But now that confusion about myself has been replaced with a more lovely confusion πŸ™‚

No, I haven’t mentioned it at all. I was formulating it in my mind, for when I finally did have a chance to sit down and write it out. Then I thought about it, and decided to give this particular bit of news more time. I wasn’t ready to admit it yet. Yes, I’d had a couple of crushes. I think that’s why I talked about it so much.Β  Anybody who showed a bit of niceness was immediately flagged as “possible”, as I felt…I dunno…desperate? It’s a strong word, but I felt some sort of pressure that I should have a boyfriend, that I should get some dating experience or something. I’ve never dated. There, I admit it. Nobody ever asked me out. Don’t know why. (Actually, I may have an inkling, but I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt that they’re not that prejudiced or ignorant. ) I was feeling quite down because I felt nobody would ever want a hard of hearing girlfriend like me. I know I know, stupid thought. Plenty of deaf/hearing couples have been made.


I’m happy now. πŸ™‚ I’ve been happy since December 8th. I’ve known him since Nov. 18th. It is now Jan 20th. Two months of knowing him. Abridged story coming soon. First, some updates:

I got my new headphones! Not the HATIS, they were too expensive…I asked my audiologist and she checked her listserv, and the other kind got better reviews. Here it is…very very much worth it!

I got it in less than a week! And after having it, man, I was addicted. I decided to splurge on an iPod, though I didn’t have very much musical taste or experience right now. Ordered that the second week of Dec, got it in three days, in time for finals week. It was awesome! And quickly, because of said person, I found music that I loved. Not just because I was thinking I was liking him at the time, but because I really did like the music. Got the iPod nano on sale–refurbished kind–and the color I wanted! Blue! Second gen! (I don’t much like the way third gen looked).

Gallaudet. Hmm… I had decided to put the decision on hold. I had time to decide, I thought. Graduate with two degrees in a few years, go to Gally, get two more majors, then masters, then doctorates. But as much as I wanted it to work, to happen, there was always a little gut feeling that this may not be the best thing for me. That’s why I decided to put it on hold.

Now, I think I will just go right into my masters, although which one, I’m not 100% sure yet. Library science for sure, eventually. But whether to get an English assistantship that pays for all of college plus a stipend for an English masters first or not…I’m just not sure. It depends on how things go…:) Good things, don’t worry πŸ˜€ Then a doctorates in something else. Maybe. Like I said, it depends on how things go πŸ˜‰

Hmm…was there anything else? Oh well, I’m sure it’ll come to me. My next post will be about said reason why I fell out of touch for so long. πŸ™‚


Expensive lesson January 18, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — bookwritegirl @ 10:26 pm

Yep. Well, it’s been a little while since I’ve written about my foray into CrMS. I was sick of taking the pill, sick of the weight gain, and sick of my irregular cycles. So…after research I had decided to try them out, because “everybody said” that it’s affordable and natural and that “you’d be surprised at how many college students” use this system too, though they’re not active. So, I had researched, and it seemed on surface to be affordable.

Um. No.

Got a preliminary bill from the insurance about a month ago. Over $100 due. It was just a statement, I should say, not a bill. Got the actual bill from PPVI. 75 is due. Can you believe the new patient fee is $150? Insurance doesn’t pay for it at all. Insurance doesn’t usually pay for “fertility” stuff as this, even though it may be crucial to our health, as the PPVI people were saying it was.

They were allΒ  very, very nice. But I wouldn’t advise college women to do it, unless they were rich or had no money worries at all. I’m going to just grin and bear it…so far it’s been working all right. I lost about 10 lbs so far, and kept it off (with fluctuation, but nothing too scarily high like before).

So, yeah, I’m not doing anything anymore. I’m sick of spending money and doctor visits and such just for them to say “wait and see” “wait until you have a baby, then it’ll be normal” and stuff like that.

Learn from me. Be careful before you decide to do this. It’s worth it if you must have some sense of control over your cycles, yet you want to be off the pill. But it’s not worth the money. You’ll survive.

(Disclaimer here: this is in no way meant to be a dr advice or anything like that, so I won’t get sued, so don’t go blaming me for your problems, this is all mine and my decision only.)