Just another weblog

Society’s Fixation November 24, 2007

Filed under: ASL,Catholic,ccm,college,dating,deaf,friends,guys — bookwritegirl @ 11:39 pm

What’s up with society’s fixtation on sex and sexuality?! I’m fed up!! I’m sick of it! Blah! College seems to be the worst offender. In my English classes, all of my stories have possible sexual readings, and it seems like that’s the only readings my teachers can get from it. Ditto for Creative Writing. I had wanted to say this several times, but finally one of my classmates asked, “why are we reading another story about sex?” The teacher hadn’t realized all of her assignments for us had an element of sex or sexual abuse.

 Aargh! I want to say enough!

Tuesday there will be a speaker on campus, called “J-Spot” or something like that. Guess what he’s going to talk about? Yeah. Sex. I was invited to it as a part of a mass invite on Facebook. Still, I’m like, bleargh. To cap it, this guy I’m sorta interested in (or was) was the guy who was in charge of promoting it. When he told the entire group at Senate (during the “for the good of the order”) other people were nodding, even this other guy whom I had thought was too sweet and conservative to be swayed by it. I was stony faced through the whole thing, trying not to be too judgemental, you know?

Many of my friends like dirty jokes and dirty books. I’m sick of it. Yes, yeah, it’s a part of the human nature. I know. I know. I laugh at the good ones, myself. Like the one about the Deaf Pizza, by Keith Wann. That was funny. Oops. Opps. But everything in moderation. And it does not seem moderate at this time. It’s overflowing, and I’m trying not to think about it, to keep myself distant from it, but images and thoughts keep entering my mind and I keep wiping them away. I’m a visual person, so anything I read about, I can visualize, some more vividly than others. I keep imagining too many scenes from readings from class. And movies. I didn’t really need to know about that.

I’ll wait until marriage, thanks. I don’t want to learn too soon.

And again, I had pondered the meaning of hook-ups. What does that connote? I feared the worst. The guy I had liked is too far gone, yet I’m trying not to be judgemental. He didn’t tell me. Curse Facebook. I love it, I hate it. But yeah, I found out he went skinny dipping. With a girl. So, I believe that’s all it was, but what a temptation, you know? Stay away from it, it’s too risky. Even though it was dark. I still was like, oh, my, goodness. Is nobody safe? Are all the good guys the painfully shy guys?

I like spontaniety. I like surprises. I like sweet stuff. I like to listen, and to talk, and to care, and to be cared about. I like some straightforward stuff. Why can’t guys just give it a chance, just ask for a date, we go out once, to  get to know each other better, email each other, and see if we’re even compatible. If not, well, that’s okay, we can be friends. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never dated, perhaps this is too nieve. But yeah, I honestly will put forward the effort. You never know until you try, and all the good guys seem to be too shy to try.

Frustration! To say the least. But apparently it’s a good thing I haven’t dated yet. Guys can’t handle celibacy or even the idea of propriety yet. Good thing I have a plan that will tie up the next, oh, 5 1/2, 6 1/2 years or so. Maybe in 7 years men will be better (I doubt it, though).

After much thought, I realize being a nun is not for me. So that’s not an option. I’ll just keep myself busy with life and advocacy and work and school, because at this rate, I’m going to be single the rest of my life. Single is fine. I just wish I could say something about, “yeah, my ex boyfriend is doing such and such now” Maybe it’s because I’m the kind of person who once I make a committment, I generally stick to it. I plan. I prepare. It’s just that I choose not to be prepared about sex. It serves me no good until I’m married.

 You hear that world?! You hear that, all you men out there?! I’m waiting until marriage!! Pah! Phooey. I’m sick of guessing, I’m sick of hoping, I’m sick of waiting, I’m sick of planning. I’m keeping my options open, but I have standards. Not necessarily that high, you know, white horse and everything. But I do expect that you at least TRY to be pure.

I know what I’m praying about tonight and tomorrow morning. For this guy whom I had liked, whom was very nice to me on the bus to and from the hockey game, it seemed like we still hit it off. I pray for him. I pray for all men. I pray that I’m proven wrong, that there is such thing as a decent, slightly more outgoing man, who is also waiting.

Meanwhile, I’m too busy with life to wait around.

I can think of several swear words that involve sex, to use against society’s fixtation on sex. I’m sick of it.

I’m sorry for this outburst. I can’t possibly tell my parents, my brother. I sorta told my friend, and then the guy who’s sorta in charge of Catholic Campus Ministry, I guess he’s a missionary of sorts, about this J spot thingy, and the FOCUS missionaries are going to visit it, to see what’s going on in the college world. I can’t wait to see what this guy whom I keep mentioning has to say about this event that he’s heavily promoting. My point is, who can I tell? Whew, typing this all up makes me feel better. I was working on my report on Dracula (another heavily sexual novel), when I reached my tipping point. (Malcom Gladwell…and no I haven’t read it.)

Up next (when I have time) i will write about me about a year ago and me today, in relationship to sign language and the Deaf culture. Yeah, I had an interesting point. But it’s late. 11:40 pm now, and I have Mass tomorrow morning. And work. And I got to finish my stinkin’ paper that’s due Monday. I can’t seem to finish it. Hopefully I can tomorrow night. I have to!


Need a new job…any suggestions? November 9, 2007

Filed under: ASL,ccm,college,dating,deaf — bookwritegirl @ 11:11 pm

Well, I love my job working in the library, shelving/checking in books. But I simply don’t make enough money. Just enough monthly for half of my car, all the insurance, and all the gas (currently my dad is paying the other half since he uses it sometimes). I had planned relatively conservative, and figured I’d have left over money every month that I would sock away for living on my own or for Gallaudet.

But, it’s a mixed blessing lately. I’ve been invited to meet with the state university president. Not campus president, note. university-wide president. At his house. For either my leadership or scholarship (or both?) I’m not sure which. So I asked off for that. I asked off for the KC student government conference. Plus the library is closed holidays. And the way my library system is set up, if you ask off, you usually get it off, but there’s not much flexibility. If you ask off, you’re off. You can’t work, say, Monday nights and make up for a Sunday of work lost. So, I’m not making as much money as I had planned. I have a good cushion right now, about 4,200 dollars, so it’ll last me for a little while. And I don’t have to worry about tuition or books next semester….all that’s covered by financial aid (scholarships + loan).

But 6.70 an hour is simply not enough. I won’t be getting another raise until (est.) Oct or Nov next year. Maybe even later. I will be getting a second summer job. Perhaps third, if it’s possible for me to do that and take summer classes. We’ll see. I have a  tendency to “punish” myself; my eyes are bigger than my schedule. Spring will be grueling, 19 credits, 3 hrs a week teaching sign language to kids, plus activities, plus work. But all the honors I’ve been getting are cutting into work hours!

I also want to move to the dorms sometime soon…maybe in the fall when the new dorm complex opens? Hopefully I can become RA…(free room and board!) However, I would need a car to go to and from work, a car all my own. If that means Dad doesn’t want to help pay for it, I’d be paying about…oh, say, 350 a month on insurance and payments. Add 100 for gas. 450. If I’m not RA, then I’d need food (I’d just take out a loan for the room). Say 100 a month. And money for hearing aid/cochlear implant batteries (200 a year). And incidentials, say another 100 dollars a month will cover everything from doctors to dates.

Whoa. It’s expensive. Not to mention I need to buy more assistive listening devices (eg, smoke alarms) before I move out. I keep thinking that perhaps if I didn’t need to worry about hearing aids and the like, then I could skimp more. However, that’s the way things are.

I wouldn’t mind taking out loans, but the terms of my bank’s student loans specifies repayment starting 6 months after graduation. Graduation from where? If I go directly from my school to Gallaudet and grad school, would I still be considered to be in colllege? Or would I be stuck paying the loans while going to two schools in another state? I’m looking for an email address so I can ask the bank. (Any insights here would be helpful…how did it work for you? Did graduation mean final graduation, as from grad school or something?)

And I’d prefer to keep loans for school costs, like room, board, and books, since interest is so high. I’d pay the car and incidentials with my wages. So, if I work 20 hrs a week, and need to spend about 600 a month (on the high side). um…not going to happen. Where would I find a 30 dollar an hour job? Okay, say I spend about 400 a month. 20 an hour. Um…that probably won’t happen either. Okay, even 10 to 15 to 18.75 an hour would be awesome. Plus I’d work extra during summer to save up for the rest of the year.

So, do you know any jobs that deaf people can do that make that much money? My mom’s thought (I was speaking in hypothetical, so she volunteered ideas) was a sort of deaf telemarketing or deaf receptionist or something. Like for a hotel, if they have a TTY line, I’d staff that line. That would be awesome! Or even a VP, but I’m not quite good enough for that. Not for a couple more years. But I don’t know where to start.

I’m not in any emergency. It just would be nice if I had it by next fall, maybe. Preferably starting this summer, so I could learn how to work for whomever it is. So, for now I’m keeping my eyes open for any possibilities. Any ideas would be welcome!

I love writing, reading, editing, drawing, and the like. I wouldn’t mind working with Deaf people or through the internet. I’d like steady, yet flexible hours that I could work around honors and such. It needs to pay more than 7.50 an hour, if possible, with plenty of opportunities to increase that amt.

In the meantime I’m also casually buying lotto tickets…just in case 🙂


I was hoping to write a uplifting post but… November 7, 2007

Filed under: ASL,Catholic,ccm,college,deaf,friends,guys,life,school — bookwritegirl @ 6:42 pm

I. Hate. Horomones.

There, I got that out of the way. I’m just really weepy all the time. I was on a high from the weekend, when I went to a student senator conference in KC, but that came crashing down on Monday. Blue Monday. Blue Tuesday and Wednesday. Blue tomorrow too…that’s why I’m planning on going to CCM tomorrow night. I hope something good happens tomorrow, because I’m on the verge of crying for no good reason.

Exhibit A. Thursday. I spent 5 hours signing in ASL lab, just chatting away about anything and everything with the students coming in and out of lab and with the teachers and stuff. That was awesome! But downer: I should have been studying. I meant to study, but everything came piling on and didnt’ get started til Weds night, and got a headache so went to bed, thinking sleep would help me think better. Nope. I got my scores back. Got a 192 out of 267. Calculate that for yourself.

Exhibit B. Football game Thurs night, woke up early Fri morning to board a big bus with other student senators to go to KC. That was fun. Got half of a book finished, called Deaf World. I should have brought homework, but I knew I probably wouldn’t get it done. Which turned out to be right. Conferences all day, but it was a ton of fun talking with people. Went out on the town after 5, on the Plaza (which is really, really pretty). Didn’t know where everybody went, so I went wandering around by myself (!) keeping self defense instructions in mind…awake, aware, and on guard. Came back, went with an acquaintance to meet up with others for dinner. Dinner was great. Sat with a group of friends, across from a guy I was interested in. Another guy joined us, I was like, who are you? I mean, I knew he existed, but never really met him. Turns out New Guy is really nice, and he actually was interested in what I had to say. Got to know him a little more that night, me, two girls, and New Guy went to “Across the Universe” which is a really awesome movie btw, even if the middle is a little…interesting… After the movie we walked back to the hotel, stopping along the way to climb on statues, take random pictures, joke around, talk about the movie, etc. Got to the hotel at 1 am, didn’t get to bed til 1:30, didn’t sleep well at all that night, a little upset stomach, a little thinking about the movie, a little wondering about New Guy, is he worth getting to know? Probably a total of 3 hours sleep. Woke up, went to the Truman Library, and you know, got to know New Guy a little more. Funny, that’s for sure. We have a similar sense of humor. He’s Catholic. Still nice. Doesn’t seem to be bothered when I asked him to spell a word I couldn’t hear, and when I asked him to repeat something, acted as if he did that all the time. Got to know him more on the bus. On the bus ride back, a couple of times I saw him looking at me. Including one kinda sweetly awkward moment, like I looked up because I sensed him looking at me, but he didn’t look away, he kept looking at me, so I turned my head away because I didn’t know what to do, then looked back, and he was still looking at me. I shifted my gaze (probably blushing) and then looked back, and he was still looking at me, smiling a little bit. So, was that something or was that because he didn’t have his glasses on? (he can see, his prescription was similar to mine, a little weaker–yes I tried on his glasses). He said he’ll make a copy of the Across the Universe soundtrack for me, give it to me tomorrow at the Student Government meeting. Boy, I couldn’t wait until Thursday.

Exhibit C. Monday. Blue monday. Yucky monday. I was in a great happy mood, chatty with everybody. Then a friend was talking about her great weekend too, and then mentioned “you know, I’m not a virgin anymore, but I love him!” Whoa. Back up. What about me indicated that I like to talk about that stuff? But hey, I know college students sleep around. For some reason that started to affect me. I didn’t show it to her face, though I did encourage her to stay chaste for the rest of the way until she’s married.

Later that monday, I was invited to a sex-ucation class at my university, by so called New Guy. Then I saw him a few moments later, but didnt’ show it them. But later for some reason it affected me. Disappointment I guess, but really, I didn’t use to be affected by other peoples’ decision unless they directly affected me. In retrospect, it’s small in comparison. He probably thinks the class will be one big joke. I was a part of a mass email list, so he didn’t really care who he sent invitations out to. Now i feel a little better, a little more prepared to see him on Thursday without turning into an emotional wreck.

Exhibit D. Last night was a little better. I went out to eat with a ASL friend, talked about a lot of stuff, mostly about ASL. Downer, price of dinner, though I got a 15% student discount. Downer: Got back to campus later than I thought, and had to run 10 mins from parking to class. Carrying 20-25 lbs of stuff. In heels. Stumbled a couple of times, twisted it a bit, but thank goodness it didn’t hurt too much today unless I turned it wrong.

Exhibit E. I don’t like Wednesdays much either. Same classes on Mon are on Weds. Yucky. Wished an acquiantance a happy birthday, and on Facebook  a general invite to everybody to meet up at a restaurant tonight. At 9:15. Whoa, I wish he said 7! Then I would be willing to go. But I’m feeling yucky. Perhaps a little SAD. And 9 seems late. And I still have to study for a test on Fri. I can’t afford to bomb that one too. I need an A in the class to get honors credit.

So, tomorrow is ASL lab and class. That always makes me happier. Too bad I can’t make the city assoc. for the deaf night this month. But I can next month. And I need to ask Teacher about the state assoc. gathering in Dec…it’s on a Sat, when I usually work all day. So, I may have to ask it off, but if it’s in the other city (an hour away) I can’t make it, since even though I’m an adult, I can’t drive on the highway. I’m confident in my own ability. But my dad is not. Plus he warned that it was half his car. So if its in my city, then I can go. I sincerely hope so. Even though it’s a wine and cheese event (whatever that is) I can still go though I’m underage. (I told Teacher when he mentioned it that I would bring sparking grape juice and if anybody asks, I can point to my glass and say yes, I’m 21) He laughed. (A silent one, of course).

Boy, am I disjointed in my thoughts. I try to tell some friends bits and pieces, but they just don’t quite understand enough to hear it all, so I give up, and tell them it’s a bad time of the month for me. Which it has been for a week and a half now. Up down up down up down.

Anyway, I must admit I am looking into dorm living…as long as I can be RA. But it won’t work at all if I can’t have my car, ’cause w/o car means no work. And it’s only half mine because I pay for half, and Dad the other half because the family uses it occasionally. If I move out, then it’ll either be all his or all mine. And I can’t afford paying the whole amt. I’m afraid to ask. Anyway, being an RA means free room and board. I don’t care about the responsibility, I can handle it. Anyway, they’re going to need new RAs for the fall because the new dorm complex will be opening then. Prime time, don’t cha think? I just need a car, then I’m all set!

Plus my dog isn’t dead yet. yes, that sounds morbid. But I don’t feel like I can just pass off the responsibility to someone else just so I can move out. That’s not right. Yet I don’t want her to die. She is old. I think 10 yrs old now, actually. Maybe 11. Wow, that is old. But she doesn’t have any “problems” just a little more persnickety. So, 3 conditions. Need a car, dog needs to be either dead (man I hate saying that) or somebody needs to not mind taking care of her for me, and need to be an RA for free room and board, preferably, since I will be going to Gallaudet and have masters education, so that’s more in tuition I will need to pay. If I was just going for the four years in one major, then yes, I’d move out in a heart beat, I could make it. But that’ll be a lot of debt.

 That’s the other thing weighing on my mind, Gallaudet. Don’t get me wrong, I want to go for sure. It’s my slightly tweaked goal. But I haven’t told my parents yet. Even when I told mom I was thinking about being RA, and she asked me where would I live when I graduated? Umm…Gallaudet? but I didn’t say that. I hedged and said Missouri, because that’s where the master’s program is (despite it being online). I’m going to wait a long time before telling them. Probably my senior year, when I have to apply.

Already I’m looking to save/make more money, including a summer job. I want to save up money for either dorm living next fall or the fall after. And for Gallaudet. And to go on trips of my own. Not a family trip stuck in a car with my little fussy siblings for 14 hours to visit Great Grandma. I want to go to KC again to the Plaza. Or to DC, road trip! to Gallaudet. Something. I’m itching to be on my own. Esp. since almost all my friends are living in dorms/sharing apts/sharing houses, they get to come and go as they please, while I have to be home by 11, not as curfew, but to keep from waking anybody up, is mom’s terminology. I wish my siblings weren’t so stinkin’ young.

Man, yeah, this is a stupid downer post, and I apologize for posting one like this one yet again. It really stinks. But who else can I  tell?  I don’t know anybody through my blog as a close friend, but a world of strangers for some reason are good people to vent to, because I know this post will be read, and if commented on at all, the comments won’t really mean anything because I don’t know them. Yeah.

So I hope tomorrow is better. I’m definitely stopping by CCM after student government. And I may crash Theology on Tap if I get out of meeting early enough…yeah, I’ll do that 🙂 I feel better already. Secrets make me feel better…won’t tell mom or dad. And hopefully I’ll see some people there. I just want to get out of the house. The KC trip really made me antsy because independence and not telling mom or dad that I was out til 1 in the morning was really freeing. Sounds bad, but it’s true. Yeah, I’m looking into RA. Hopefully Dad’ll buy another car, he’s finishing the last payment on the family car in two months, so…it’s a distinct possibility. I just want to get out now. Have fun. Good thing I’m taking 18 credits this semester and 19 next semester, so I can take more decent schedules the next 3 years to make time for other fun things.

 Thanks for listening. I’m signing off now to do homework.


CrMS September 23, 2007

Filed under: Catholic,ccm,college,dating,guys,life,Love,religion — bookwritegirl @ 9:15 pm

After writing “He’d better be darn appreciative,” I got a very helpful comment from “Catholic”.  You can see it for yourself, but basically her comment got me going more than anything else I’ve read. I had always thought that the Creighton method and other natural family planning thingys were for couples only…that you had to be married in order to really get to do anything about your horomones.

So I checked on Catholic Answers forums, asking for opinions and thoughts from people about CrMS for single people. 2 or 3 people wrote saying they were single and using CrMS…so I know I’m definitely not alone. That had been one initial factor keeping me from doing much about it. Because I had constantly run across NaPro and CrMS websites, as well as the Institute, while searching for solutions.

And somebody PM’d me on CAF, saying she was a CrMS teacher, and answered all my questions about the method, giving me the phone number for the Institute (in Omaha), and she gave me an overview of how it works. I’m gong to call tomorrow, and ask for the Fertility CareCenter, to set up the introductory session. Hopefully they can accomodate me so I can go during fall break. *crosses fingers*.

My biggest fear in the search for my underlying cause and for a true solution is that the doctors will look at my chart and say, Well, there’s nothing we can do about it. Except that you should stay on the pill. The lady from  CAF said not to worry, Dr. Hilgers (the guy who founded the CrMS) will NOT put me on the pill. He will probably use horomonal supplements, though, to normalize my system, but it is the NATURAL way, following my body’s signals, instead of using a factory approach to it. That makes me feel better, though I’m still uneasy…I read Hilger’s book, Women Healed, and quite a few women said they needed progesterone supplements…and they got it through shots. Can you say ouch? And administering it to myself…that’ll be interesting. I just shivered. But…judging from the testimonials in the book, a 5 second pain is worth 28 days of normalness! I have no idea what is normal, because what I’ve gone through seems normal to me. And my mom. (I’m going through what she has gone through herself. If it holds true, then I will need CrMS for fertility awareness when I get married, because my mom had infertility problems.)

I really hope that the Institute won’t send me away. I’m always unsure until the event actually happens; I’m always afraid I’ll get turned down.  But I’ll keep writing about my process, so that I can hopefully shed light on it for others.

But yes, I think I have at least something similar to PCOS. My mom was diagnosed in her early 20s. I mean, I’m not exactly hairy, but off the pill I had acne, etc etc. And I was sensitive to sugar. It’s not so bad on the Pill, but I still am sensitive to sugar overloads and dips. Eat too many Robin Eggs? I feel like I’m going to throw up. Being extra healthy today? I feel like I’m going to throw up. I have to try to keep it within some sort of range…though I’m not sure what it is. But I’m aware of my cravings. If I crave sugar, I’ll eat some, but I’ll balance it out with almonds (protein). Short-term and long term sugar level maintenance.

I probably have low progesterone too, as Catholic thinks I do. It makes sense. An overdose of estrogen keeps it hard for me to have a period. The Pill is even more estrogen, but puts an artificial control on my body. Sure, it may work. But I read online, the “period” is really only something-bleeding…can’t remember the term, but when you stop estrogen suddenly, your body reacts by bleeding. It’s not a real menstrual period.

 I’m just glad my mom understands that I’m just not satisfied with my two doctors’ advice. I was afraid she’d be resistant to it, but she’s letting me at least go to the introductory session. She hasn’t been saying much about it though. I’m not sure why. But it’s still better than not going, and not knowing!

Though the real test will be insurance. I’m pretty sure it will be covered…but there’s always that chance it won’t be…hopefully it’s within the realm of affordability for a college student like me. Again my future husband had better be darn appreciative for all I’m going through.

On that subject, I keep thinking about B., whom I finally met. I had asked God to let me know who my intended husband is. And when I saw him, I didn’t think too much about it, except that he’s “right”. It’s hard to explain. Like all the other guys? They were like crushes. Like Z. Who’s still very cute. But it’s difficult talking and listening to him. But B., he’s cute, and I can understand him, and conversation comes easily…I found myself thinking…he’d make a good dad and husband. Maybe, maybe not. But I’m hooked on CCM (he’s the VP). I want to meet him in person some more times, to get to know him better.

Maybe I’m imagining it. But when I came into the room, he seemed pleasantly surprised to see me. And he kept sneaking looks at me. I did the same thing…I wanted to see exactly what he looks like in person. But I know that can be construed as flirting. But we kept looking at each other out of the corner of our eyes. I mean, we just met each other. But I wonder…he has cute eyes, you know. From what little I saw of them. Stupid relationship “rules”. 🙂