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I must be tired or something. November 26, 2007

Filed under: college,dream,life — bookwritegirl @ 1:40 pm

It takes me a while to wake up some days, while other mornings I could have had 5 hours of sleep the previous night, and yet I can be chipper all day long. It varies greatly.

Today was one of those kinds of slow-to-wake-up days. Technically, I was awake, but my mind was still processing reality at the same speed as my dreams. I drove to school on auto-pilot. You know how your mind suddenly wakes up for a second, and briefly you wonder how you got there? I had the heat on in my car, and then just as I turned into the school’s main drive I felt cold. Then I woke up and realized that my heater was off. For the life of me I couldn’t remember turning it off.

One of those days. I had also remembered to print off my English paper due today, but I had zoned out and not remembered to put it in my backpack. So when I got to the rec center for my Self Defense classes, I nipped upstairs to the computer lab. It was closed. I had to stare at my watch for a few seconds before I figured out what time it was and what time it opened. So I walked back down to the first floor, seriously debating whether it was one of my dreams, because, you know, my dreams are really realistic, and life seemed like one big fantasy lately.

Then I slipped on the stairs, and my brain registered it. Ah, I’m slipping. Cool. The next second I was doing the splits at the bottom of the stairs, and I thought Ah, I fell down. Wait a minute. I fell down? I slipped on the stairs! Even the pain felt dreamlike.

A similar thing happened last Tuesday. I was driving to school, music was playing (I believe it was the Across the Universe soundtrack) and it was very foggy. Then the truck in front of me drove onto the sidewalk. It felt very remincient of one of my dreams. I saw it, but I didn’t register it. Ah, a truck is pulling onto the sidewalk. It wasn’t until I had passed it that I realized, Wait a minute, trucks don’t go on sidewalks!

Even now, as I write this in the library, people are talking, I smell the cookies in the cafe, I see and feel all these things, and yet they don’t seem real. I don’t mind this feeling, it’s a nice break from ultra-reality, where life and the future scares me. Right now, I’m in a “Let it Be” mood. A “Dear Prudence”. Life feels like the “Across the Universe” movie. And I sorta like it 🙂

Three more weeks of school, plus finals week. Four more weeks. One more month. I can survive 🙂 The way things are, it’ll be Christmas and I’ll wonder how I got here.


Man, does time slip by fast! October 28, 2007

Well, I’m not sure when my last post was, but it’s time for a new one, with updates from the past week (or was it two weeks?).

 I went to see VR on Thursday. I guessed she was deaf from the way she writes her emails; you know, me being an English major I tend to be able to guess who wrote what from how they write. They were in good English, just slightly “off”, if that makes sense? Some of the verbs didn’t have verb endings, etc. And when I went to see her, she both signed and talked, mostly signed. So I was right! It was about time I intuited something right! She mostly signed, and so I both signed and talked. It turns out there’s not much they can do for me right now. I’m still in college, and I have a job, and so she didn’t even mention monetary support. Plus I felt it would be rude to ask, because I’m pretty self-sufficient. It’s not like I’m hurting for money, though I am on a college student’s budget. Looking toward the future, however, VR said she could help me then. When I’m ready to look for a real job, come see her, and then they can help me find a job, apply, interview, get, and keep the job, and provide whatever accomodations I might need, like a TTY, or a videophone, etc. Or even an interpreter. I’m nearly at the point when I can understand most of what anybody is saying in ASL, which makes me very excited! 🙂 VR says they also will be my advocate, so I shouldn’t be “dismissed” just because I’m deaf.

 After the end of our fairly short meeting she said I signed pretty well, which I thanked her for. She said that because we had been talking about the Sorenson free VRS equip., and they ask you if ASL is your primary language. She told me to say yes, because I know enough to converse with. So, when I got home, I filled out the app! No idea how long it will take for me to get it, but whenever is okay. It probably would be more useful after this semester, once I’ve finished ASL 3.

There wasn’t another deaf game night this week. Asked him when the next one was, he said he wasn’t sure, but thought it would be in two more weeks. I hope he’s right, because I don’t want it to be this friday! I want it to be next friday, as this weekend I’m going on a Student Senate conference in KC, MO! (All paid for by Student Government, which is awesome!). Plus it’s mandatory, so I can’t beg out of it. So, I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Maybe they’ll also have a Christmas gathering? I’m definitely am going to try to make that one if they do.

Haven’t heard anything from Gallaudet for a while. But I’m kinda doubting I’ll go for a while. I am toying around with the idea of graduating from my univ, then going to Gallaudet for a undergrad degree in  ASL, which will take about 2 years, possibly less. Because then I won’t have any scholarships to worry about losing; I could also possibly qualify for SSI or VR payment then, as well. And also then, I can complete my library science masters while at Gallaudet, since I beleive it is all online. I’d better check into that, though. But perhaps then I could work at the Library of Congress, for a great resume builder…man, I’m getting excited! I think this is probably a better plan, even though I’m going to have a heck of a loan to pay off later. I should try to publish a book, and have it take off, so I can actually afford my monthly loan payments…!

 That reminds me. I’m seriously am considering adding a third major. Yes, I am crazy, thank you for telling me! I have no idea if it will work, or if I will still be able to graduate in 2011 (I’m a sophomore, so technically I should graduate in 2010, but double majors means one more year). So, I’m going to see if I can get an appt. with a College of Education advisor and discuss this. Oh, yeah, the major would be Educational Interpreting. A non-teaching degree. I have a goal of encouraging Deaf people to go to libraries, having signed story times, etc, because it seems like nearly all the deaf people i’ve met don’t read much. I had always assumed they’d be bookworms like me, but  I guess not.

Anyway, the reason why I want to talk with the advisor is because I’m deaf. I’m not necessarily going into it for interpreting reasons; I have a hard enough time myself to understand people! It’s just to further solidify my signing skills, and to learn how to translate stories from books into sign. So, I don’t want to go on a practicum, nor do I want to “learn how to interpret in a variety of fields under a variety of conditions”. I’d fail those things. But this perhaps is a moot point if I decide to go to Gallaudet for the ASL degree after I graduate. But perhaps s/he can guide me in the right direction. Or perhaps I can get my univ to create this program, to attract more students?

 *Sigh.* Okay. So I’m looking into a Deaf World Day event, right? Turns out my committee doesn’t actually plan events. It just basically helps to advertise. And even if I’m liason for the something or other disability agency, I don’t plan events. So I’m going to try to talk to the agency director (but I have a sneaking suspicion that it is a student, and not a permanent one like I originally thought it was going to be) and see what she thinks about this. Perhaps she’ll add it to the list of events?

I still want to raise money for my state’s deaf school museum (the school shut down nearly 10 yrs ago). Currently they’re housed in two rooms that the current inhabitant of the building graciously gave to them. But they want to raise money to fix up the oldest building on campus, to the tune of 1 million dollars. Well, if I can get every student in each ASL class at my univ to donate, say, 2 dollars each, that’s about 200-300 dollars right there. That’d buy paint. I’m going to talk to the guy who’s working on the museum, see how I can go about donating that money.

For honors credit, I can do the TAG program. For honors public school students. I’ve been thinking about teaching ASL for a long time, and now just am feeling like I know enough vocab and linguistics to teach younger kids. But public schools? I hated them! I was so lost and generally not quite “one of them”, though all were nice to me. So I asked my honors program, homeschoolers are like honors students, can I teach them? One tentatively said yes, and I’m waiting on the director to give it the official approval. I’m also waiting on my parish to get back to me; the business manager said I should be able to get a schoolroom for free, but has to clear it by Father first. So, I’m taking the lesson plans so generously provided on, and modifying them slightly for the target audience. And get this: I’m paying $400 in tuition to teach! If I pay tuition for the “internship”, I get official honors university credit for teaching. The librarians laughed when I told them this. I’m afraid to tell anybody else though, because homeschoolers are really nice. They can be cheap, but they do try to show their appreciation at the end of any program, by bringing in sweets, or pooling their money together to give a gift basket. And I would feel weird if they gave me something. I really don’t mind paying, I would teach either way, even if I didn’t get any credit, official or unoffical. So, I’m probaly not going to tell them that fact, because I don’t want them to feel obligated to chip in to help with tuition. That would feel really weird.

I’m glad I went to Mass this morning. It provides a steady hand to my weird life. I was feeling a little lonely. Not for family, or friends. I just keep seeing all these “couples” around campus, and feel a little pang, and my hand light. I don’t have a hand to hold, walking to class. Etc. And even though there are plenty of guys, of nice guys, of nice Catholic guys who are single, okay, none of them seem to have shown much of an interest in me. So, I wonder, is it me? But I prayed in church today before Mass, and then the rest of the day I felt patient (for once!). He will provide, as corny as that sounds. I used to laugh, but now I know it’s true, though I have no “proof” of it. It’s just a feeling. So, part of me is patient. Part of me is still lonely. And part of me is wondering with every single guy I see, “is he the one?” Then the pateint part keeps telling the wondering part to shut up, stop imagining. It seems to only set me up for disappointment.

What seemed to help is that in the ladies home journal, they talked about how daydreaming is good for you. That gave me license to daydream about how I may encounter my future boyfriend. In the library, at the bookstore, in a class next semester, etc. He doesn’t have an official bodily form. I don’t have any hard and fast “rules” about guys. Neither do I have one about him being hearing or deaf. I don’t care, but lately they’ve been about a deaf guy. He must be self-actualized, though. I wouldn’t date a needy, stupid, or absolutely serious/shy hearing guy, nor will I a deaf guy like that. But I did dream last night that I had twins! I was so happy 🙂 I always have loved children. That’s another thing. He must love dogs, and must love children.

Anyway, writing helps too. I’ve been altering these dreams slightly, daydreams, whatever. And writing them up as a manuscript for writing class. I hope they don’t catch on that is actually real, for a fiction class. 🙂

Part of my rollercoaster emotions right now is horomone related as well. Remember how I went on CrMS? I had lost all appetite for nearly 4 weeks, and lost 8 lbs. Starting 2 nights ago, I got my appetite back! That made me happy, but oh great, just in time for halloween. Ate a lot, stepped on the scale this morning, and apparently I’m at 140. Better than 145, but I liked it better when it was 137! So, I have to moderate myself again. Some of it is just emotional hunger…when I was feeling blue Friday and Sat, I had a lot of chocolate, (hot chocolate, bite size halloween candy, etc). I didn’t pig out, but it felt like it since I had been so picky with food lately.

I sorta miss the pill already. Stupid horomones. But I certainly hope that if I hang in there, the doctor will be able to figure out what does all this, and treat the source. I’m just glad he will never prescribe the pill again! From my share of research, it seems I may have a progesterone defiicency, and the pill is largely estrogen, which I don’t need.

Wow, I just spent a long time on this. I’m going to shut up now, and try to figure out how to keep my mind on homework.


identity crisis October 10, 2007

Filed under: ASL,books,Catholic,college,deaf,dream,Identity,life,school,writing — bookwritegirl @ 7:13 pm

 i just commented on a post titled “self”. it struck a taut cord.

i kept hovering close to tears all morning. could be horomones. but horomones themselves don’t do anything. something triggered it. and it was a comment on my manuscript that i posted. i almost deleted it, just because it wasn’t what i wanted to hear. but i try to live by a tenet that all comments, both critical and praiseful, are growing points.

i was riding on a high wave because i got such a positive response from my teacher. it prolonged a wave that was already leaking energy, that is, my happiness that i’m deaf. i was frustrated because i couldn’t hear the guest speaker in one of my classes yesterday. he assumed i was hearing.

i hate that, when people think i’m hearing, until i tell them to speak up or something, because i’m deaf. (or they notice my ci or ha, or find out i know asl, or as in the case of my manuscript, think it’s written so well because it’s something i know). then they think i’m Deaf and not hearing, and act all weird. then Deaf people see the same thing, they know i’m not capital D Deaf, that i’m hearing.

so i’m bouncing between these two worlds. i thought i had a sturdy footing, but i was standing 4 feet into the ocean, always bobbing back and forth, not quite drowning, not quite on dry land. then the huge wave came along and knocked me off my feet. you know the feeling when you’re in the ocean or pool, and that moment when you’re disoriented; you don’t know which way is up or down?

i am lost, and my tears are salt. a bit melodramatic, ya think? but i do feel this way. who am i? i’m not hearing, i’m not deaf. one group thinks i’m part of the other.

it’s my cross to bear. i just hope that God’ll answer my prayers, that St. Francis de Sales will relay the message for me.

 Act of Abandonment by St. FdS

O my God, I thank you and I praise you for accomplishing your holy and all-lovable will without any regard for mine. With my whole heart, in spite of my heart, do I receive this cross I feared so much! (yeah, i feared it. for nearly 20 years i fear it. ‘in spite of my heart’ is right. with my whole heart? i need help!)

It is the cross of Your choice, the cross of Your love. I venerate it; nor for anything in the world would I wish that it had not come, since You willed it. (yeah, yeah, God gives us only what he can handle, ‘but i wish He didn’t trust me so much’. yet i’m glad He didn’t make me blind. i can’t bear not to read books)

I keep it with gratitude and with joy, as I do everything that comes from Your hand; and I shall strive to carry it without letting it drag, and with all the respect and all the attention which Your works deserve. (joy? okay, i did that for a while. i try to carry it. yet it feels like it’s dragging. dragging me down. i’m failing, aren’t i? )


i know though that despite my rough time, that God does answer prayers. He’s answered several over the years for me. but i have a hard time telling if i’ve been answered yet or not. i did have a dream last night that i went to go get my cochlear implant out of my dri-aid, but it wasn’t there. and i wasn’t terribly worried. just thought that i must never have had it. to me not having the ci means being quite deaf. and being quite deaf, could that possibly mean my prayers as to my trying to enculture the Deaf culture, as in, will my prayers of attending gallaudet possibly come true soon?

*sigh* i kept checking email all of today though, and no answer as of yet. maybe tomorrow? i feel like such a heel for having an identity crisis. i was raised hearing, i should be hearing, yet i feel unsteady in that world. also, God provides, why should i doubt? yet i keep my faith. it is said a faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. is it true?


I love writing… September 17, 2007

Filed under: college,dream,writing — bookwritegirl @ 8:30 pm

But I never have time to write! Of course, I’m procrastinating right now. But I’m writing!

I think last semester I got uninspired because I was intimidated. My professor limited us to only “realistic fiction”, and that wasn’t necessarily what I like to write. Basically, I’m not that great of an observer in life to really know what makes people tick. And explain why they believe what they believe, do what they do. I prefer the fantasy world, or at least the slightly strange, because I can control it more. Realistic fiction is supposed to be controlled by an outside source. Fantasy, I am its sole creator. I base it in the real world, so it has a comparison or a grounding in something real, then I add something of my own to it. Like sci fi. But I’m experimenting with the “bizarre”. Not grotesque, but someting extraordinary. Like my dreams. I should have written this last two weird dreams down, but I’m afraid of what Freud would think of the dream I had last night. The night before was cooler. It was a ghost mystery. And I loved the house my unconcious created! I’d build it myself, if I won a million bucks. I’ll have to post it sometime. But I’m going to write it down for homework first.

This semester I’m finally getting inspired, but I’m having to put off my inspiration…I hope I’m not conditioning myself to ignore the muse! That would be bad. But rather, I’ll put it off until later in the semester, when most of the work is done, and I don’t feel like I’m drowning. Like in an avalanche, you’re supposed to “swim” with the tide to stay above and not get buried which is dangerous to do. I’m trying to swim with the homework tide and the pro-life group tide etc etc, to stay on top, but I’m getting tired, my brain doesn’t want to work, and I procrastinate, but I can’t rest too long. I must start swimming again, to stay on top, or close too the top. Rest too long, and you’re sunk. And I can’t afford to get a B, which I’m still afraid of getting. That will throw my GPA off. Which the A minus already did, but I don’t want a B, psychologically. I’d feel bad, sub-excellent. Awful. See ya. Getting back to work now. Bye. Maybe…dunno….should I leave you guys hanging?…Argh! see ya…I think….okay, now I’m stopping…I’ll post later, when more homework is done….maybe…stupid horomones. Throws my efficiency off balance. 😛


The day is dark and dreary September 10, 2007

Filed under: dream,life,religion,school — bookwritegirl @ 11:10 am

The day is dark and dreary/ the rain is never weary…

“Rainy Day” by…I think Wordsworth?

 Exactly how I feel right now. I’ve felt worse, but really, I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing much. Maybe I’ve overloaded myself? That’s a distinct possibility. 18 credits, school newspaper staff, student senator, pro life group, among other activities, plus the usual helping out at home. Plus I have a cold so I’m either sleepy and miserable, or drugged up and sleepy.

 And I’m feeling like Mother Teresa right now. I’m holding tight onto my belief in God, and yet I wonder…Perhaps it’s Divine Providence that I read about a grandma, who, when she was younger, had a misscarriage. When she died, those surrounding her deathbed saw her perk up (she was barely concious), reach forward, and cradle an invisible baby with a huge smile on her face, then she died, still smiling.

 That to me is proof enough, and it’s keeping me from going into a full doubt. Then I read something else today, somebody wrote about lounging by the pool with God, talking to him, but he never replies. No wonder atheism is so appealing, if you look for something there, and don’t find anything, then there must be nothing. That’s their logic. And yet when you sit in utter stillness, you feel the lifeforce, some beautiful music by which we live our lives, and that’s how we know Somebody is there.

 I love the footprints poem. “it was then I carried you…” Plus, I woke up from a nice dream this morning. It wasn’t the absolute best, but it was enough for me. I was in a class, with this crabby guy next to me. The class was held in a skeleton of a house, you could see its bones, though it had a wood floor and some walls. Anyway, it was a Music class, and the teacher began “It was the first Noel” and after a while, I joined in. I knew my voice wasn’t the best, but I sang anyway, focusing only on the words and music. Then the class was over. Then somehow I made my way back up to the classroom, went to the back, where the floor sloped away from the rafters. When the floor was too far away, I pressed myself against the side of the rafters, it was small enough for me to do that without worrying about falling. And I was still singing the First Noel over and over again. I wanted to be invisible and secure. And that was my “safe place”. Then I woke up, unfortunately. But for that small moment when I was by myself, despite the kids on the lower level, I didn’t  care about them. I was protected. I was safe. And that got me going this morning, and I hope the feeling will come back so I can make it through the rest of the day.

 It was the first Noel, the angels did say, unto certain poor shepherds in fields where they lay, in fields where they lay, keeping their sheep On a cold winter’s night that was so deep. Noel, noel noel noel, Born is the king of Israel

They looked up and saw a star Shining in the east beyond them far To the earth it gave a great light And so it continued both day and night Noel noel noel noel Born is the king of Israel.

Be still sad heart and cease pining/Behind the clouds the sun is still shining/Thy fate is the common fate of all/In each life some rain must fall/Some days must be dark and dreary.


Faith and the Devil August 12, 2007

Filed under: Catholic,discernation,dream,joy,nun,philosophy,religion — bookwritegirl @ 10:30 pm

I vary quite a bit in my faith. Waver is perhaps the better word. I waver over a period of years, and I waver over a period of hours. Yes, I’m a Catholic, but what does that really mean? Is it all worth it? Is it the one true religion? Yes, I have my weak times, where the stream of my faith slows to a trickle. No, I’ve never gave it up; I always have been a Catholic. But there was a time when I positively resented going to Mass on a weekly basis. Even during Confirmation preparation, I wasn’t quite sure, but how could I explain that to my parents? So I felt obligated to go right through, anyway.

Then there was the time I wanted to become a nun. I was quite sure; I had always felt joyful whenever I saw nuns in movies and in real life. I took this as a sign of my calling, and started researching convents. But now I realize I was only truly considering being a nun for another reason. It wasn’t pure faith that drove me, it was my stubborness. You see, my dad’s not exactly the most faithful person. He has his dry times too, I know. I thought it would drive him crazy if I entered a convent, because it wasn’t on his list of things for me to do in my life. To tell you the truth, it isn’t on my mom’s list, either.

Now, I think I’ve moderated. We’re human; we can’t maintian a certain level indefinitely, whether it be our weight or our faith. I know I could improve my knowledge of my faith. But no longer do I settle for agnosticism or zealotism. I’m content to be single, and if I do find that one man in my life, I’d be glad to marry him, work at our marriage, and have children. (I could write while being a stay-at-home mom!) That’s the kind of life I’d like to have.

What I’ve noticed though, when I climbed up from my less-than-stellar faith levels, the Devil seemed particularly strong. He attacked as I tried to be more open to God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. And when I started conquering my sins, he attacked me in my sleep, in my dreams. First it was a general feeling of unease, then he preyed on my insecurities…which I’m ashamed to say is…sex. But I began to overcome this, with the help of Heaven. These dreams recur only occasionally now, and I’m better equipped to counteract them.

Then Satan tried different tactics, and actually preyed upon me at night. As I would wait for sleep to overcome me, ferocious battles would be waged in my head…perhaps it was just imagination, but I increasingly felt despair, until it finally occured to me like a rap on the head from my guardian angel–I could pray! I would cry and pray for forgiveness, until finally these “panic attacks” went away. I would have a visual attack in my dream. I think it’s several posts back, but I posted this dream before, where I was saved by singing “Gentle Woman, Quiet Light”. I think I had similar dreams before then, when I would wake up, shaken. But after this dream I felt deep calm and woke up calm, not panicky.

 Another tactic the devil likes to use is despair and a morass of self-pity. I mean, we’re all sinners right? God takes pity on us and saves us, and I firmly believe this is because He loves us. But how can we ever measure up to His standards? Wouldn’t it be easier not to try? This is the exact sort of thinking that makes Satan rejoice, for it will lead us only downward. If we don’t try to be perfect, might as well sin, because we’re all sinners, and there’s no way we can change that. Yes, we are sinners. But we do our best. And in God’s eyes, that is very good, and that’s why He forgives us…He will always forgive us, no matter how many times we sin.

 I think I made a mortal sin, and this is causing me pain. I’m trying to rationalize it, that no, it’s not mortal, it’s only venial, but really, I’m not sure. I may be scrupulous, but it probably is mortal. But I’m really hoping that God will forgive me. I really hope He will. I’m sure He will, but this is the sort of self-doubt that drags us–me–down. We’re all in the same boat. Yes, sometimes we jump off, but I’m willing to help you back on if you want me to, if you’re willing to help me 🙂


ASL dream May 16, 2007

Filed under: ASL,Catholic,discernation,dream,happiness,joy,Love,nun,religion,sister — bookwritegirl @ 9:40 pm

I have a lot of weird dreams. Flying, falling, earthquake, etc. You name it. I’ve even had closed captioning on a few of my dreams, and I even spotted a spelling error. I’ve tasted rootbeer and marshmallows, and I’ve smelled popcorn. I’ve  read people’s minds. I dream in color. I dream like a movie, and I dream I am both the actress and the viewer. I’ve read in my dreams. I’ve yelled in my dreams. I’ve cried and prayed in my dreams. I’ve even signed in my dreams.

But for the first true time, I’ve heard in my dreams. Usually it’s a muffled kind of talking or yelling that is considered to be more of mind-reading than actual communication. But a couple of nights ago, I’ve truly heard. It was a crystal clear, nice, spiritual, uplifting kind of sound. And it was me, I was singing “Amazing Grace”, the first verse, and then “Silent Night”. For Amazing Grace, I figured out–in my dream–how to sign it. I had been thinking it over in my head, but finally figured out how at night.

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see!

Silent night, Holy night, all is calm, all is bright, round yon virgin, mother and Child, holy Infant so tender and mild, sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.

Words do no justice to the peace and movement I felt while singing and signing in my dream. I felt…peaceful. Whole. True. Loved. Have you ever felt a moment when it feels like your heart is about to burst from the love  and joy you feel and give? Like you’re one with someone else, like you’re one with God? This is the best I can describe it as.

Writing this, I just realized something. I had prayed to God one of those futile prayers I was certain wouldn’t really be answered, but prayed anyway just in case He could grant me this one prayer. I had prayed that I would have a nice singing voice, that I could truly hear music. He did grant me this prayer! Through this dream.

Another thing I should point out…I was a nun, a new nun, signing to other nuns, in a church, in this dream. Could this have been an answer to my discernation process? Or am I reading too much into my dream? I wonder.

And I should also add in this same post, I once had another similar dream. Well, it’s not exactly similar in content, but rather feeling. Here’s the post I wrote somewhere else:


One time, I had a dream like yours. It wasn’t a demon per se, I can’t remember what it was, but I knew someone was bad. They tried to make me scared enough to listen to them, to do what they said, but also I knew if I said some prayers, I’d be all right. It took a while, too, to say the words, so instead I thought them. I started saying “Our Father” and then sang the Hail Mary song (you know, “quiet light, morning star, shining bright, Gentle Mother, peaceful dove…”). Then I felt braver for standing up to the bad person, to evil, and I wasn’t scared at all of what that person was going to do to me when I stood up for my beliefs and morals. I can’t remember if I died, but I woke up, feeling really peaceful. I felt glad. I haven’t had that dream since.