bookwritegirl

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Little story update that I promised February 2, 2008

Filed under: college,dating,deaf,guys,joy,life,Love,writing — bookwritegirl @ 7:45 pm

Okay, it’s been a little while, I know, and I’m sorry. I have a lot to do still, but it’s been bugging me. So, if I get this done, hopefully I’ll be able to concentrate! I know I promised to update you on something that may be happening with a certain guy. I wrote about it for a class assignment. This was the very first time we met.

“Yeah,” I said, feeling more uncomfortable by the minute. The numerous overlapping conversations of scores of other University students who were being recognized as “leaders and scholars”—at least, that’s what it said on the invitation—made it very difficult to understand my new acquaintance, girl on the Student Advisory Board member at the other university campus. Not to mention that the foyer of the craftsman-styled home was heavy on wood surfaces, which further amplified the noise. I need to get myself out of here before I make a fool of myself, I thought, and came up with an excuse—I hadn’t tried the desserts yet, and slipped away.

 We met over the dessert trays, in the dining room that could only be adequately described as “presidential;” the room was tastefully decorated with dark wood furniture, deep green walls, a beamed low ceiling, thick drapes, and very thick carpeting, which made the room more sound-absorbent. Sweet, quiet relief. I took my time deciding which bite-sized dessert to try first, when somebody spoke.

 “Pardon?” I asked, turning around to read his lips.

 “Those are delicious,” he repeated, pointing them out to me with a nod of his head.

 I took a bite. “Mmm…these taste like high-end Ding Dongs.”

 He laughed. “Yeah, they kinda do!”

 We introduced ourselves, shaking hands. I was impressed that he wore a suit, in the midst of varying degrees of casualness with the common denominator of jeans. I quickly felt at ease—now I wasn’t the only one who thought it important to dress up! In fact, I felt comfortable enough to ask him “would you speak up please? I’m hard of hearing.”

 We then proceeded to talk about anything and everything and nothing for the next hour. We talked about weather. We marveled about President ____’s house, the spiraling wood staircase, the ceilings, the windows, and expressed a desire to be able to explore the house further.

 “I love old houses,” I said, sipping the fruit punch because I quickly became very thirsty.

 “Me too!”  

 We talked about food, and spent five minutes talking about the hot apple cider they were serving.

 “I love apple cider,” he said.

 “Me too!”

 We talked about school, and I admitted that I was homeschooled.

 He did a double-take. “You were homeschooled?”

 “All the way through high school.”

 “Me too!”

 Activity and people swirled around us as we talked. The sun dipped below the horizon, and the students began to slip away after saying goodbye and thank you to President ___ and his wife. During the first lull in conversation, we looked out the window and realized, Hey, it’s dark! And where’d all the people go? There were probably no more than two or three dozen other loiterers like us. It was time him to board the university-provided shuttle, and my brother was here to give me a ride back home. So we said goodbye, and we both hoped that we would run into each other sometime on campus.

 Outside, I looked around at the dusky silhouettes of the trees, outlined by the bright moon, and raised my eyes toward the stars, silently thanking God for Facebook.

 

Apology and non-apology January 20, 2008

Filed under: college,dating,friends,guys,joy,life,Love — bookwritegirl @ 6:33 pm

I know I haven’t blogged in a while. I apologize for that. Before I was almost compulsive…I had to blog. Why that changed? I’m not 100% sure. Actually, I am 100% sure. It took me a while to figure out what changed. And then a little while more to examine my true motives for blogging and not blogging.

Okay. I started this blog as a diary, almost. I tried to keep my own diaries, but I felt incredibly self-conscious and stupid. “Dear Diary…etc etc etc”. That very quickly fell out of use, because a) I would have to carry it around with me all the time and b) people are naturally very curious when I’m writing in a journal-type book, with no other textbooks around. Typing on a computer elicits a neutral response. But saving a file or a folder of diary entries? Still felt problematic to me. If anybody found it, I can’t claim plausible deniability. I wanted to disassociate me from myself, as it felt like an attractive idea at the time. I can be myself without having to put on a show all the time.

And it has been helpful. It had helped me to talk things out without ever feeling like I’m burdening anybody with troubles and thoughts that should be mine and thus only my responsibility. Yes, I know, it should still have remained in my mind, my own worries are nothing compared to yours or anybody else’s. And I understand that completely! I really do know that some people have more difficulties than others. (I also know that some people whine more than others. At some point you must just roll up your sleeves and get to work.)

I see my last real post was end of November, when the pressure started increasing and my last short post was December, in the midst of finals. I apologize as I didn’t realize how long it had been. But I also don’t apologize, because I have a fairly good reason for it. Ever since it happened, I’ve been feeling great. No longer do I feel…apologetic, sad, down, under pressure, worried about life in general, etc etc. None of these are right words. I had worried a lot. I generally had been confused. But now that confusion about myself has been replaced with a more lovely confusion 🙂

No, I haven’t mentioned it at all. I was formulating it in my mind, for when I finally did have a chance to sit down and write it out. Then I thought about it, and decided to give this particular bit of news more time. I wasn’t ready to admit it yet. Yes, I’d had a couple of crushes. I think that’s why I talked about it so much.  Anybody who showed a bit of niceness was immediately flagged as “possible”, as I felt…I dunno…desperate? It’s a strong word, but I felt some sort of pressure that I should have a boyfriend, that I should get some dating experience or something. I’ve never dated. There, I admit it. Nobody ever asked me out. Don’t know why. (Actually, I may have an inkling, but I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt that they’re not that prejudiced or ignorant. ) I was feeling quite down because I felt nobody would ever want a hard of hearing girlfriend like me. I know I know, stupid thought. Plenty of deaf/hearing couples have been made.

But…yayayayayayay!

I’m happy now. 🙂 I’ve been happy since December 8th. I’ve known him since Nov. 18th. It is now Jan 20th. Two months of knowing him. Abridged story coming soon. First, some updates:

I got my new headphones! Not the HATIS, they were too expensive…I asked my audiologist and she checked her listserv, and the other kind got better reviews. Here it is…very very much worth it!

http://www.tecear.com/Music%20Link.htm

I got it in less than a week! And after having it, man, I was addicted. I decided to splurge on an iPod, though I didn’t have very much musical taste or experience right now. Ordered that the second week of Dec, got it in three days, in time for finals week. It was awesome! And quickly, because of said person, I found music that I loved. Not just because I was thinking I was liking him at the time, but because I really did like the music. Got the iPod nano on sale–refurbished kind–and the color I wanted! Blue! Second gen! (I don’t much like the way third gen looked).

Gallaudet. Hmm… I had decided to put the decision on hold. I had time to decide, I thought. Graduate with two degrees in a few years, go to Gally, get two more majors, then masters, then doctorates. But as much as I wanted it to work, to happen, there was always a little gut feeling that this may not be the best thing for me. That’s why I decided to put it on hold.

Now, I think I will just go right into my masters, although which one, I’m not 100% sure yet. Library science for sure, eventually. But whether to get an English assistantship that pays for all of college plus a stipend for an English masters first or not…I’m just not sure. It depends on how things go…:) Good things, don’t worry 😀 Then a doctorates in something else. Maybe. Like I said, it depends on how things go 😉

Hmm…was there anything else? Oh well, I’m sure it’ll come to me. My next post will be about said reason why I fell out of touch for so long. 🙂

 

Society’s Fixation November 24, 2007

Filed under: ASL,Catholic,ccm,college,dating,deaf,friends,guys — bookwritegirl @ 11:39 pm

What’s up with society’s fixtation on sex and sexuality?! I’m fed up!! I’m sick of it! Blah! College seems to be the worst offender. In my English classes, all of my stories have possible sexual readings, and it seems like that’s the only readings my teachers can get from it. Ditto for Creative Writing. I had wanted to say this several times, but finally one of my classmates asked, “why are we reading another story about sex?” The teacher hadn’t realized all of her assignments for us had an element of sex or sexual abuse.

 Aargh! I want to say enough!

Tuesday there will be a speaker on campus, called “J-Spot” or something like that. Guess what he’s going to talk about? Yeah. Sex. I was invited to it as a part of a mass invite on Facebook. Still, I’m like, bleargh. To cap it, this guy I’m sorta interested in (or was) was the guy who was in charge of promoting it. When he told the entire group at Senate (during the “for the good of the order”) other people were nodding, even this other guy whom I had thought was too sweet and conservative to be swayed by it. I was stony faced through the whole thing, trying not to be too judgemental, you know?

Many of my friends like dirty jokes and dirty books. I’m sick of it. Yes, yeah, it’s a part of the human nature. I know. I know. I laugh at the good ones, myself. Like the one about the Deaf Pizza, by Keith Wann. That was funny. Oops. Opps. But everything in moderation. And it does not seem moderate at this time. It’s overflowing, and I’m trying not to think about it, to keep myself distant from it, but images and thoughts keep entering my mind and I keep wiping them away. I’m a visual person, so anything I read about, I can visualize, some more vividly than others. I keep imagining too many scenes from readings from class. And movies. I didn’t really need to know about that.

I’ll wait until marriage, thanks. I don’t want to learn too soon.

And again, I had pondered the meaning of hook-ups. What does that connote? I feared the worst. The guy I had liked is too far gone, yet I’m trying not to be judgemental. He didn’t tell me. Curse Facebook. I love it, I hate it. But yeah, I found out he went skinny dipping. With a girl. So, I believe that’s all it was, but what a temptation, you know? Stay away from it, it’s too risky. Even though it was dark. I still was like, oh, my, goodness. Is nobody safe? Are all the good guys the painfully shy guys?

I like spontaniety. I like surprises. I like sweet stuff. I like to listen, and to talk, and to care, and to be cared about. I like some straightforward stuff. Why can’t guys just give it a chance, just ask for a date, we go out once, to  get to know each other better, email each other, and see if we’re even compatible. If not, well, that’s okay, we can be friends. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never dated, perhaps this is too nieve. But yeah, I honestly will put forward the effort. You never know until you try, and all the good guys seem to be too shy to try.

Frustration! To say the least. But apparently it’s a good thing I haven’t dated yet. Guys can’t handle celibacy or even the idea of propriety yet. Good thing I have a plan that will tie up the next, oh, 5 1/2, 6 1/2 years or so. Maybe in 7 years men will be better (I doubt it, though).

After much thought, I realize being a nun is not for me. So that’s not an option. I’ll just keep myself busy with life and advocacy and work and school, because at this rate, I’m going to be single the rest of my life. Single is fine. I just wish I could say something about, “yeah, my ex boyfriend is doing such and such now” Maybe it’s because I’m the kind of person who once I make a committment, I generally stick to it. I plan. I prepare. It’s just that I choose not to be prepared about sex. It serves me no good until I’m married.

 You hear that world?! You hear that, all you men out there?! I’m waiting until marriage!! Pah! Phooey. I’m sick of guessing, I’m sick of hoping, I’m sick of waiting, I’m sick of planning. I’m keeping my options open, but I have standards. Not necessarily that high, you know, white horse and everything. But I do expect that you at least TRY to be pure.

I know what I’m praying about tonight and tomorrow morning. For this guy whom I had liked, whom was very nice to me on the bus to and from the hockey game, it seemed like we still hit it off. I pray for him. I pray for all men. I pray that I’m proven wrong, that there is such thing as a decent, slightly more outgoing man, who is also waiting.

Meanwhile, I’m too busy with life to wait around.

I can think of several swear words that involve sex, to use against society’s fixtation on sex. I’m sick of it.

I’m sorry for this outburst. I can’t possibly tell my parents, my brother. I sorta told my friend, and then the guy who’s sorta in charge of Catholic Campus Ministry, I guess he’s a missionary of sorts, about this J spot thingy, and the FOCUS missionaries are going to visit it, to see what’s going on in the college world. I can’t wait to see what this guy whom I keep mentioning has to say about this event that he’s heavily promoting. My point is, who can I tell? Whew, typing this all up makes me feel better. I was working on my report on Dracula (another heavily sexual novel), when I reached my tipping point. (Malcom Gladwell…and no I haven’t read it.)

Up next (when I have time) i will write about me about a year ago and me today, in relationship to sign language and the Deaf culture. Yeah, I had an interesting point. But it’s late. 11:40 pm now, and I have Mass tomorrow morning. And work. And I got to finish my stinkin’ paper that’s due Monday. I can’t seem to finish it. Hopefully I can tomorrow night. I have to!

 

I was hoping to write a uplifting post but… November 7, 2007

Filed under: ASL,Catholic,ccm,college,deaf,friends,guys,life,school — bookwritegirl @ 6:42 pm

I. Hate. Horomones.

There, I got that out of the way. I’m just really weepy all the time. I was on a high from the weekend, when I went to a student senator conference in KC, but that came crashing down on Monday. Blue Monday. Blue Tuesday and Wednesday. Blue tomorrow too…that’s why I’m planning on going to CCM tomorrow night. I hope something good happens tomorrow, because I’m on the verge of crying for no good reason.

Exhibit A. Thursday. I spent 5 hours signing in ASL lab, just chatting away about anything and everything with the students coming in and out of lab and with the teachers and stuff. That was awesome! But downer: I should have been studying. I meant to study, but everything came piling on and didnt’ get started til Weds night, and got a headache so went to bed, thinking sleep would help me think better. Nope. I got my scores back. Got a 192 out of 267. Calculate that for yourself.

Exhibit B. Football game Thurs night, woke up early Fri morning to board a big bus with other student senators to go to KC. That was fun. Got half of a book finished, called Deaf World. I should have brought homework, but I knew I probably wouldn’t get it done. Which turned out to be right. Conferences all day, but it was a ton of fun talking with people. Went out on the town after 5, on the Plaza (which is really, really pretty). Didn’t know where everybody went, so I went wandering around by myself (!) keeping self defense instructions in mind…awake, aware, and on guard. Came back, went with an acquaintance to meet up with others for dinner. Dinner was great. Sat with a group of friends, across from a guy I was interested in. Another guy joined us, I was like, who are you? I mean, I knew he existed, but never really met him. Turns out New Guy is really nice, and he actually was interested in what I had to say. Got to know him a little more that night, me, two girls, and New Guy went to “Across the Universe” which is a really awesome movie btw, even if the middle is a little…interesting… After the movie we walked back to the hotel, stopping along the way to climb on statues, take random pictures, joke around, talk about the movie, etc. Got to the hotel at 1 am, didn’t get to bed til 1:30, didn’t sleep well at all that night, a little upset stomach, a little thinking about the movie, a little wondering about New Guy, is he worth getting to know? Probably a total of 3 hours sleep. Woke up, went to the Truman Library, and you know, got to know New Guy a little more. Funny, that’s for sure. We have a similar sense of humor. He’s Catholic. Still nice. Doesn’t seem to be bothered when I asked him to spell a word I couldn’t hear, and when I asked him to repeat something, acted as if he did that all the time. Got to know him more on the bus. On the bus ride back, a couple of times I saw him looking at me. Including one kinda sweetly awkward moment, like I looked up because I sensed him looking at me, but he didn’t look away, he kept looking at me, so I turned my head away because I didn’t know what to do, then looked back, and he was still looking at me. I shifted my gaze (probably blushing) and then looked back, and he was still looking at me, smiling a little bit. So, was that something or was that because he didn’t have his glasses on? (he can see, his prescription was similar to mine, a little weaker–yes I tried on his glasses). He said he’ll make a copy of the Across the Universe soundtrack for me, give it to me tomorrow at the Student Government meeting. Boy, I couldn’t wait until Thursday.

Exhibit C. Monday. Blue monday. Yucky monday. I was in a great happy mood, chatty with everybody. Then a friend was talking about her great weekend too, and then mentioned “you know, I’m not a virgin anymore, but I love him!” Whoa. Back up. What about me indicated that I like to talk about that stuff? But hey, I know college students sleep around. For some reason that started to affect me. I didn’t show it to her face, though I did encourage her to stay chaste for the rest of the way until she’s married.

Later that monday, I was invited to a sex-ucation class at my university, by so called New Guy. Then I saw him a few moments later, but didnt’ show it them. But later for some reason it affected me. Disappointment I guess, but really, I didn’t use to be affected by other peoples’ decision unless they directly affected me. In retrospect, it’s small in comparison. He probably thinks the class will be one big joke. I was a part of a mass email list, so he didn’t really care who he sent invitations out to. Now i feel a little better, a little more prepared to see him on Thursday without turning into an emotional wreck.

Exhibit D. Last night was a little better. I went out to eat with a ASL friend, talked about a lot of stuff, mostly about ASL. Downer, price of dinner, though I got a 15% student discount. Downer: Got back to campus later than I thought, and had to run 10 mins from parking to class. Carrying 20-25 lbs of stuff. In heels. Stumbled a couple of times, twisted it a bit, but thank goodness it didn’t hurt too much today unless I turned it wrong.

Exhibit E. I don’t like Wednesdays much either. Same classes on Mon are on Weds. Yucky. Wished an acquiantance a happy birthday, and on Facebook  a general invite to everybody to meet up at a restaurant tonight. At 9:15. Whoa, I wish he said 7! Then I would be willing to go. But I’m feeling yucky. Perhaps a little SAD. And 9 seems late. And I still have to study for a test on Fri. I can’t afford to bomb that one too. I need an A in the class to get honors credit.

So, tomorrow is ASL lab and class. That always makes me happier. Too bad I can’t make the city assoc. for the deaf night this month. But I can next month. And I need to ask Teacher about the state assoc. gathering in Dec…it’s on a Sat, when I usually work all day. So, I may have to ask it off, but if it’s in the other city (an hour away) I can’t make it, since even though I’m an adult, I can’t drive on the highway. I’m confident in my own ability. But my dad is not. Plus he warned that it was half his car. So if its in my city, then I can go. I sincerely hope so. Even though it’s a wine and cheese event (whatever that is) I can still go though I’m underage. (I told Teacher when he mentioned it that I would bring sparking grape juice and if anybody asks, I can point to my glass and say yes, I’m 21) He laughed. (A silent one, of course).

Boy, am I disjointed in my thoughts. I try to tell some friends bits and pieces, but they just don’t quite understand enough to hear it all, so I give up, and tell them it’s a bad time of the month for me. Which it has been for a week and a half now. Up down up down up down.

Anyway, I must admit I am looking into dorm living…as long as I can be RA. But it won’t work at all if I can’t have my car, ’cause w/o car means no work. And it’s only half mine because I pay for half, and Dad the other half because the family uses it occasionally. If I move out, then it’ll either be all his or all mine. And I can’t afford paying the whole amt. I’m afraid to ask. Anyway, being an RA means free room and board. I don’t care about the responsibility, I can handle it. Anyway, they’re going to need new RAs for the fall because the new dorm complex will be opening then. Prime time, don’t cha think? I just need a car, then I’m all set!

Plus my dog isn’t dead yet. yes, that sounds morbid. But I don’t feel like I can just pass off the responsibility to someone else just so I can move out. That’s not right. Yet I don’t want her to die. She is old. I think 10 yrs old now, actually. Maybe 11. Wow, that is old. But she doesn’t have any “problems” just a little more persnickety. So, 3 conditions. Need a car, dog needs to be either dead (man I hate saying that) or somebody needs to not mind taking care of her for me, and need to be an RA for free room and board, preferably, since I will be going to Gallaudet and have masters education, so that’s more in tuition I will need to pay. If I was just going for the four years in one major, then yes, I’d move out in a heart beat, I could make it. But that’ll be a lot of debt.

 That’s the other thing weighing on my mind, Gallaudet. Don’t get me wrong, I want to go for sure. It’s my slightly tweaked goal. But I haven’t told my parents yet. Even when I told mom I was thinking about being RA, and she asked me where would I live when I graduated? Umm…Gallaudet? but I didn’t say that. I hedged and said Missouri, because that’s where the master’s program is (despite it being online). I’m going to wait a long time before telling them. Probably my senior year, when I have to apply.

Already I’m looking to save/make more money, including a summer job. I want to save up money for either dorm living next fall or the fall after. And for Gallaudet. And to go on trips of my own. Not a family trip stuck in a car with my little fussy siblings for 14 hours to visit Great Grandma. I want to go to KC again to the Plaza. Or to DC, road trip! to Gallaudet. Something. I’m itching to be on my own. Esp. since almost all my friends are living in dorms/sharing apts/sharing houses, they get to come and go as they please, while I have to be home by 11, not as curfew, but to keep from waking anybody up, is mom’s terminology. I wish my siblings weren’t so stinkin’ young.

Man, yeah, this is a stupid downer post, and I apologize for posting one like this one yet again. It really stinks. But who else can I  tell?  I don’t know anybody through my blog as a close friend, but a world of strangers for some reason are good people to vent to, because I know this post will be read, and if commented on at all, the comments won’t really mean anything because I don’t know them. Yeah.

So I hope tomorrow is better. I’m definitely stopping by CCM after student government. And I may crash Theology on Tap if I get out of meeting early enough…yeah, I’ll do that 🙂 I feel better already. Secrets make me feel better…won’t tell mom or dad. And hopefully I’ll see some people there. I just want to get out of the house. The KC trip really made me antsy because independence and not telling mom or dad that I was out til 1 in the morning was really freeing. Sounds bad, but it’s true. Yeah, I’m looking into RA. Hopefully Dad’ll buy another car, he’s finishing the last payment on the family car in two months, so…it’s a distinct possibility. I just want to get out now. Have fun. Good thing I’m taking 18 credits this semester and 19 next semester, so I can take more decent schedules the next 3 years to make time for other fun things.

 Thanks for listening. I’m signing off now to do homework.

 

Man, does time slip by fast! October 28, 2007

Well, I’m not sure when my last post was, but it’s time for a new one, with updates from the past week (or was it two weeks?).

 I went to see VR on Thursday. I guessed she was deaf from the way she writes her emails; you know, me being an English major I tend to be able to guess who wrote what from how they write. They were in good English, just slightly “off”, if that makes sense? Some of the verbs didn’t have verb endings, etc. And when I went to see her, she both signed and talked, mostly signed. So I was right! It was about time I intuited something right! She mostly signed, and so I both signed and talked. It turns out there’s not much they can do for me right now. I’m still in college, and I have a job, and so she didn’t even mention monetary support. Plus I felt it would be rude to ask, because I’m pretty self-sufficient. It’s not like I’m hurting for money, though I am on a college student’s budget. Looking toward the future, however, VR said she could help me then. When I’m ready to look for a real job, come see her, and then they can help me find a job, apply, interview, get, and keep the job, and provide whatever accomodations I might need, like a TTY, or a videophone, etc. Or even an interpreter. I’m nearly at the point when I can understand most of what anybody is saying in ASL, which makes me very excited! 🙂 VR says they also will be my advocate, so I shouldn’t be “dismissed” just because I’m deaf.

 After the end of our fairly short meeting she said I signed pretty well, which I thanked her for. She said that because we had been talking about the Sorenson free VRS equip., and they ask you if ASL is your primary language. She told me to say yes, because I know enough to converse with. So, when I got home, I filled out the app! No idea how long it will take for me to get it, but whenever is okay. It probably would be more useful after this semester, once I’ve finished ASL 3.

There wasn’t another deaf game night this week. Asked him when the next one was, he said he wasn’t sure, but thought it would be in two more weeks. I hope he’s right, because I don’t want it to be this friday! I want it to be next friday, as this weekend I’m going on a Student Senate conference in KC, MO! (All paid for by Student Government, which is awesome!). Plus it’s mandatory, so I can’t beg out of it. So, I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Maybe they’ll also have a Christmas gathering? I’m definitely am going to try to make that one if they do.

Haven’t heard anything from Gallaudet for a while. But I’m kinda doubting I’ll go for a while. I am toying around with the idea of graduating from my univ, then going to Gallaudet for a undergrad degree in  ASL, which will take about 2 years, possibly less. Because then I won’t have any scholarships to worry about losing; I could also possibly qualify for SSI or VR payment then, as well. And also then, I can complete my library science masters while at Gallaudet, since I beleive it is all online. I’d better check into that, though. But perhaps then I could work at the Library of Congress, for a great resume builder…man, I’m getting excited! I think this is probably a better plan, even though I’m going to have a heck of a loan to pay off later. I should try to publish a book, and have it take off, so I can actually afford my monthly loan payments…!

 That reminds me. I’m seriously am considering adding a third major. Yes, I am crazy, thank you for telling me! I have no idea if it will work, or if I will still be able to graduate in 2011 (I’m a sophomore, so technically I should graduate in 2010, but double majors means one more year). So, I’m going to see if I can get an appt. with a College of Education advisor and discuss this. Oh, yeah, the major would be Educational Interpreting. A non-teaching degree. I have a goal of encouraging Deaf people to go to libraries, having signed story times, etc, because it seems like nearly all the deaf people i’ve met don’t read much. I had always assumed they’d be bookworms like me, but  I guess not.

Anyway, the reason why I want to talk with the advisor is because I’m deaf. I’m not necessarily going into it for interpreting reasons; I have a hard enough time myself to understand people! It’s just to further solidify my signing skills, and to learn how to translate stories from books into sign. So, I don’t want to go on a practicum, nor do I want to “learn how to interpret in a variety of fields under a variety of conditions”. I’d fail those things. But this perhaps is a moot point if I decide to go to Gallaudet for the ASL degree after I graduate. But perhaps s/he can guide me in the right direction. Or perhaps I can get my univ to create this program, to attract more students?

 *Sigh.* Okay. So I’m looking into a Deaf World Day event, right? Turns out my committee doesn’t actually plan events. It just basically helps to advertise. And even if I’m liason for the something or other disability agency, I don’t plan events. So I’m going to try to talk to the agency director (but I have a sneaking suspicion that it is a student, and not a permanent one like I originally thought it was going to be) and see what she thinks about this. Perhaps she’ll add it to the list of events?

I still want to raise money for my state’s deaf school museum (the school shut down nearly 10 yrs ago). Currently they’re housed in two rooms that the current inhabitant of the building graciously gave to them. But they want to raise money to fix up the oldest building on campus, to the tune of 1 million dollars. Well, if I can get every student in each ASL class at my univ to donate, say, 2 dollars each, that’s about 200-300 dollars right there. That’d buy paint. I’m going to talk to the guy who’s working on the museum, see how I can go about donating that money.

For honors credit, I can do the TAG program. For honors public school students. I’ve been thinking about teaching ASL for a long time, and now just am feeling like I know enough vocab and linguistics to teach younger kids. But public schools? I hated them! I was so lost and generally not quite “one of them”, though all were nice to me. So I asked my honors program, homeschoolers are like honors students, can I teach them? One tentatively said yes, and I’m waiting on the director to give it the official approval. I’m also waiting on my parish to get back to me; the business manager said I should be able to get a schoolroom for free, but has to clear it by Father first. So, I’m taking the lesson plans so generously provided on Lifeprint.com, and modifying them slightly for the target audience. And get this: I’m paying $400 in tuition to teach! If I pay tuition for the “internship”, I get official honors university credit for teaching. The librarians laughed when I told them this. I’m afraid to tell anybody else though, because homeschoolers are really nice. They can be cheap, but they do try to show their appreciation at the end of any program, by bringing in sweets, or pooling their money together to give a gift basket. And I would feel weird if they gave me something. I really don’t mind paying, I would teach either way, even if I didn’t get any credit, official or unoffical. So, I’m probaly not going to tell them that fact, because I don’t want them to feel obligated to chip in to help with tuition. That would feel really weird.

I’m glad I went to Mass this morning. It provides a steady hand to my weird life. I was feeling a little lonely. Not for family, or friends. I just keep seeing all these “couples” around campus, and feel a little pang, and my hand light. I don’t have a hand to hold, walking to class. Etc. And even though there are plenty of guys, of nice guys, of nice Catholic guys who are single, okay, none of them seem to have shown much of an interest in me. So, I wonder, is it me? But I prayed in church today before Mass, and then the rest of the day I felt patient (for once!). He will provide, as corny as that sounds. I used to laugh, but now I know it’s true, though I have no “proof” of it. It’s just a feeling. So, part of me is patient. Part of me is still lonely. And part of me is wondering with every single guy I see, “is he the one?” Then the pateint part keeps telling the wondering part to shut up, stop imagining. It seems to only set me up for disappointment.

What seemed to help is that in the ladies home journal, they talked about how daydreaming is good for you. That gave me license to daydream about how I may encounter my future boyfriend. In the library, at the bookstore, in a class next semester, etc. He doesn’t have an official bodily form. I don’t have any hard and fast “rules” about guys. Neither do I have one about him being hearing or deaf. I don’t care, but lately they’ve been about a deaf guy. He must be self-actualized, though. I wouldn’t date a needy, stupid, or absolutely serious/shy hearing guy, nor will I a deaf guy like that. But I did dream last night that I had twins! I was so happy 🙂 I always have loved children. That’s another thing. He must love dogs, and must love children.

Anyway, writing helps too. I’ve been altering these dreams slightly, daydreams, whatever. And writing them up as a manuscript for writing class. I hope they don’t catch on that is actually real, for a fiction class. 🙂

Part of my rollercoaster emotions right now is horomone related as well. Remember how I went on CrMS? I had lost all appetite for nearly 4 weeks, and lost 8 lbs. Starting 2 nights ago, I got my appetite back! That made me happy, but oh great, just in time for halloween. Ate a lot, stepped on the scale this morning, and apparently I’m at 140. Better than 145, but I liked it better when it was 137! So, I have to moderate myself again. Some of it is just emotional hunger…when I was feeling blue Friday and Sat, I had a lot of chocolate, (hot chocolate, bite size halloween candy, etc). I didn’t pig out, but it felt like it since I had been so picky with food lately.

I sorta miss the pill already. Stupid horomones. But I certainly hope that if I hang in there, the doctor will be able to figure out what does all this, and treat the source. I’m just glad he will never prescribe the pill again! From my share of research, it seems I may have a progesterone defiicency, and the pill is largely estrogen, which I don’t need.

Wow, I just spent a long time on this. I’m going to shut up now, and try to figure out how to keep my mind on homework.

 

This has been an amazing weekend… October 20, 2007

Filed under: ASL,college,dating,deaf,guys,Identity,life,Love — bookwritegirl @ 10:47 pm

Well, first off it’s midterms.

No, wait, that’s not why I like the weekend. (Though I am actually looking forward to ASL midterms…!!!) It’s fall break too. I only get a couple of days off, but it makes a world of a difference, because I need to get some homework done, because of all the fun I’ve had lately…

Last night, I carpooled with a ASL classmate to the Deaf Assoc. Game Night. I’m glad we carpooled, though I’m perfectly capable of driving myself, because we got lost. We’d never been in that part of town before, and it wasn’t the greatest part…We got lost, somehow ended up in a dead end behind a Goodwill and near a jail, I believe it was. And the county warehouse. I’d never seen it before. Neither had she. So she called her husband (see, if it were me, I’d have been like permanently lost). “Um, where are we, and where are we going, and how can we get there?” Waited for his computer to load MapQuest, finally 10 minutes later we were on our way. It was dark by now. We would be fashionably late. I read the signs while she navigated the roads…our street came up suddenly, and I said, here it is, turn left! She veered left (wow, can she navigate her little car…that’s one thing I’m not mentioning to Mom and Dad). We thought we were lost again…but then I remembered it was on 40th, and we were still on 42nd. Plus we reasoned, all the cars in the street were probably for the game night too. We found it! It was an actual building, rather run down, too, but it had a simple sign out front. We were so excited, we made it! But boy, was J. nervous (she was the one who drove).

“I’m about to throw up…I’m so nervous! I don’t know why I’m nervous!” (her) “We got lost, we finally made it, and I’m not going to let you back out now!” (I said jokingly). We walked in, and signed in. What struck me most was (I know this is obvious, but bear with me) I saw noise. But it was absolutely silent. It was a bit disconcerting. All these people talking, I should be overwhelmed by now! I’m usually bewildered in crowd situations like this, “what the heck is going on…?” sort of thing. But no. For the first time in my life, I could socialize easily in a large group of people. That felt so SO nice…a on the top of the world feeling! It was an amazing experience, if it were that alone. Wow. This is what it’s like for hearing people…wow!

I met a lady whom I had very falteringly communicated with at my old job (a restaurant). Then, she didn’t speak as well, and I could hardly sign. Now, she is taking voice lessons with J., and now I am in ASL III. Everybody socialized for an hour, then we played games for an hour. Finally my ASL teacher came, with his parents and one of his siblings, during the game times, and J. and I felt a little sigh of relief…we’re no longer strangers in a strange land. We know him, and he knows everybody else. The boundaries started to cease.

My table, we played some sort of game I forgot the name of (it started with an S, that much I know), but we kept getting sidetracked, signing away to each other. It was awesome being able to play a game in a group, and understanding the side conversations without going “What? What?” all the time. I could carry on a meaingful conversation (within the large boundaries of my vocab) for once in my life, in a social situation like this. Wow.

After an hour of failing to complete a full game, the facilitator at 9 said to stop and clean up, and this signalled the depature of some people. But many lingered, chatting for two more hours. At least, J and I did. Others lingered even more. I found out my ASL teacher’s family is very very nice. By this time I was quite adept at explaining my mini life story. (parents found out I was deaf at 2, raised hearing, etc etc). His mom said it was never to late to learn sign, she was glad I was doing so at all, in a very happy way. His dad asked a few questions, he didn’t speak much. His younger sister was great too…I was never that well-adjusted at that age.

Teacher then introduced me to several people (to whom I also had to explain a little bit of myself, like my major, etc), telling them how proud he was of me (with a slightly red face) and I thanked him, a little bewildered…why was he so proud of me? Maybe he considers me to be the best student in class? I’m not quite sure, but I do know that I pick up on signs rapidly, I mean, sign language just makes sense to me (as well as English). And the other students regularly ask me what the sign for such and such was (75% of the time I remember the sign, or can figure out the cryptic drawings in the book). And for my signed speech in class (again, life story) he said I had a good flow. So, I’m guessing he’s referring to that?

Side note: Whenever I do a speech of any sort, I talk very fast because I’m nervous. It turns out I can sign fast, too when I’m nervous.

Anyway, there were small groups of conversations around me, and I could, again, for once in my life, look around and catch a bit of a conversation here, another one there, etc. That was amazing. I keep saying how amazing it was. Usually I’m exhausted and frustrated by now. I wasn’t. Sure, I didn’t know all the vocab yet, but I could get about as much through sign as I can through hearing in a small group of people. Maybe 75% of all words. Which is awesome! If I can understand this much now, just wait until after ASL 5!

I had been wondering about BlackBerries for a while. My best friend is probably going to get one, just because of all the extra stuff on it. And I wanted to see what it can do. So I asked Teacher’s dad if he could tell me anything about them, and he referred me to Teacher, who showed me several of the functions. I think, when my plan runs out, I will get a BB. 1 1/2 more years! It’s worth the $30 a month, to me. It would be nice to be able to talk to people using a QWERTY board and not a stupid texting numbers thingy. It’s slow. It was wonderful, but now to me it just seems slow.

Then I spoke with him and this other guy whom I’d met before, he’s the deaf museum tour guide, about just random stuff. Like how busy I was, that I’m a student senator now, taking 18 credits, work 20 hrs a week, honors student, etc etc, Found out tour guide was once student president at Gallaudet. I said I wanted to try to be a visiting student at Gallaudet, but it depends on scholarships. If going means losing scholarhsip, then I can’t go. But maybe I could go in summer depending on what courses they offer. Teacher said that Gallaudet would probably give me money.

I also explained how, as student senator, I can plan events, and that I want to do a Deaf Day. I explained why (several teachers have thought deaf = dumb… “do you need to take your test in another room?” And that they seem surprised when they find out I’m an honors student. They both nodded, they knew exactly what I meant, and that felt very freeing to me. I explained other things, and for once, whey others nod, I know they’re not merely sympathizing, but they actually know. I asked tour guide if he’d be interested in coming to speak for us, that my plan is still in its very early stage of “thinking about it” and he would be glad to come and speak. I told him that I heard that he was trying to raise money to get the museum a building to itself, and that I’m hoping to maybe at the same time raise money for it. and both he and Teacher was happy to hear that.

Anyway, we mingled for two more hours. I got to talk to Teacher’s mom for a period of time, about homeschooling, (she thought about it for teacher once) and explained my life story in a little more depth, and why my parents raised me hearing (because doctor said I’d never amount to anything–no speaking, hearing, reading, writing, etc). and that now I’m enjoying ASL classes, etc. It was a nice conversation, and near the end she said ” I love you”, in a proud way as well. That caught me off guard. First teacher, and now her? To me, I’m not really…I don’t want to sound churlish or stupid, but I don’t really understand why.

I had told my mom I would be home by 11. J and I tried to leave at 10, but stopped to talk some more. Same at 10:15, 10:30, 10:45…until finally 11 we left for good. I had texted my mom I was having fun and would be a little late. Whew, at least she understood 🙂 Today at breakfast she asked me if I was identifying with the Deaf culture, ’cause i kept gushing about the game night, and I wasn’t sure how to answer that safely, so I just said it was a lot of fun. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. But yes, I am identifying with the Deaf culture. It is amazing what it did for my self-esteem. Like I told a lot of people, it was nice to come and see people like me, since I don’t meet many Deaf people! And they nodded, they truly knew what I was talking about.

I could go on, but I’ll stop for now. It’s late, and I got only 4 1/2 hrs of sleep last night, because I worked all day today, then I went over to my best friend’s house after work. And Mass is tomorrow morning, and I have two papers due, etc etc.. But they invited me to another gathering that was tonight, but unfortunatley, I had already promised my friend. I really wanted to go. But I got my teacher to promise to keep me updated on future gatherings. Now I know where the clubhouse is, I can drive myself.

Part of me is hoping I’ll meet a nice, cute Deaf guy at these gatherings. Somebody a lot like my teacher. But then again there’s this senator guy. I will talk more about this really nice guy who’s cute and nice and helpful and shy…but that’s really confusing right now. I’m not sure about it. I’m not sure he’s sure, either. I think maybe he’s unsure about my being deaf, how to not be rude or something, I’m not sure.

Um, I feel a vise creeping around my head. I will be going to bed now. ttyl. I really enjoyed the game night. I was afraid some people would get cliquish, but no, they were very welcoming. Perhaps it was because I understood their signs pretty well? Anyway, I’m discovering my Deaf identity 🙂

 

student senate October 12, 2007

Filed under: Catholic,college,dating,deaf,friends,guys,life,Love — bookwritegirl @ 8:35 am

I love Student Senate!

Sure, we have to “vote to vote” and people sometimes won’t shut up, and there’s tons of debates, and I can’t quite understand all of the talking.

But I love my office hours. We have to do at least one office hour a week. So I went on Weds, thinking, man it’ll be boring, I’ll get lots of homework done…nope. A group of people came in, including (wow!). Anyway, M and I hadn’t met before in person, and so Sh introduced us to each other, and to the other senators too. And so we commenced to talk a lot, as a group.

One thing I noticed about M was not just that he looked really cute, but that I could pick out his voice even though other people were talking too. Usually I have a hard time hearing male voices. Not so with him. He didn’t speak loud, or too soft either. He spoke clearly. And we talked about some stuff, like the protesting of the bake sale ban, and it turns out we had those few things we talked about in common. He went to go get pop, and came back with two, a Pepsi and a Cherry Pepsi, asking which one I wanted. A little quizzical, I said, I don’t care, and he handed me the regular Pepsi. He said how lucky he was, two pops came out. At the end of the office hours, as he was leaving, I thanked him for the pop, and remarked how lucky he was, that never happened to me! I actually saw a lady getting like 5 pops out of the machine one time. They get stuck, and people give up. Then he said that the pop was already there, he didn’t have to get the other one… I didn’t really know what to say, except that I already said thanks. I started wondering. Okay, I’ll be seeing him again tomorrow night.

Then I saw him at the mtg last night…too bad somebody else already took the chair next to me! Oh well, it still worked out okay because when the mtg was over, I sorta hung around. I mean, I could have left right away. Some people did. But lately I’ve been finding out that if I follow the silent guide in my head and go with the flow, it works out REALLY well, instead of being super-efficient and forcing myself to get going, get working.

So, I talked to somebody else, and he talked to somebody else, but we were facing each other. I could feel him looking at me, and I kept wanting to look at him, but we knew it wasn’t polite to do that all the time. But finally we had a chance to talk, as a group. Groups make talking so much easier and less nervewracking. I could still pick out his voice in the noisy room, where the sound reverbrated off the walls.

Maybe it’s just me, but I like guys I can hear. And he’s like the ONLY guy I’ve met that I could hear well. And even though he could see my implant, (which I saw him glancing at it–he wasn’t obvious, but I just know when people do that), it didn’t really seem to affect how he treated me, like some people do. And that was another plus. We talked about funny things (which I heard the tone, but not necessarily the words) and laughed a lot. We talked about the Seargeant at Arms (I know I spelled that wrong), and D turned to me and said, If there’s a fight, you break it up. I laughed paused and said Sure! I actually have been taking self defense, and there’s this nerve near the knee, and we learned how to kick it, and it can incapacicate people. Still smiling, they said wow, and we laughed some more about other things.

After the meeting the group decided to go to Old Chicago. I begged out, no I have homework. Apparently M had begged out too, for the same reason. So the other three went off, and M and I were left semi-alone. I looked outside. It was dark. I looked at him, getting ready to say, well, see ya, when he asked me, Would you like me to walk you to your car?

I paused a half-beat, and that silent guide in my head said to say yes. So I did, noting how dark it was, and thanked him sincerely (even though I’ve made that walk many times myself). He asked me where I parked. The garage. He said he usually parked there too, but he was lazy *laugh*. “Would you like to walk, or I could drive you there?” Me: Um…I… Him: You don’t really care? Me: Uh….no, *small laugh*. That silent voice in my head said I could trust him. ‘Cause normally I’m nervous about other people driving.

We started walking to the closer parking lot. Him: So, you’re a Communication… Me: Fine Arts and Media senator, yeah. Him: That’s where your English… Me: Um no, actually it’s creative writing. English is Arts and Science. Short pause. Me: I like writing, but I have English to make sure I can get a job. Him: short laugh 🙂 Me: And your major is… Him: Political Science. Maybe *laugh* I laughed too. Me: Yeah… More silence. He turned and I followed him through the faculty parking.

Me: I thought about political science but…I like writing more 🙂 I climbed up the short hill (in heels!) to the student lot. He looked around for his car, then did his little key fob thing, locking the car, so the lights would flash but it wouldn’t be the “panic button”. He found it. It looked vaguely familiar. He unlocked the doors, and we both got in. I saw how neat his car was…my friends’ cars have all had some sort of refuse, like water bottles, in it. I got in, thanking him again, trying not to be too awkward getting in with my laptop bag, purse, and books I was carrying. The car next to him parked at a 45 degree angle to him. But he backed out effortlessly and carefully! A little different from my friends. I felt safe, though I was “alert, aware, and on guard” from self defense. At no time did I wonder, “What did I get myself into?” My Self Defense professor said that women’s intuition was amazing. All this time we were outside, which is semi-illuminated, I didn’t have trouble hearing him. And he didn’t seem to mind that I was walking forward, with my head turned, so I could read his lips. Him: So when do you work? Me: Fri, Sat, and Sun. Him :Wow. So what do you do? Me: I shelve books, and for a change of pace I check in books. Silence. I love my job, but it’s bad for me. Him: Why? Me: I get sidetracked. Him: How? Me: I look at a book, hmmm, this is interesting. So I’ll read the cover. Then the first page. Then the first chapter. Then when the librarian walks by I get shelving again (mimes an innocent waving Hi, yes, I’m working!). He laughed.

I said something about how I love small cars, they’re so easy to drive! He agreed. And I said, I learned how to drive on a Suburban. He blinked and said Wow, truly amazed. Me: Yeah (nervous laugh). And he started driving. Him: So, where do you live? Me: Near St E______ Him: St E_____ S_____? Me: Yeah. (thinking, wow, he knows it?) Him: I’m actually at St. W______. Me: Really? Cool. (he’s Catholic?!) Silence. I think about how lucky I am, even if this doesn’t work out, but that he was pretty much everything I’ve been looking for. Him: Do you have Father Frank? Me: Um, yeah, actually! Him: He used to be our priest. Have you seen him do any of the Masses yet? Me: Yeah, like every opposing Sunday, alternating with the assoc. priest. He’s pretty good; his homilies are short…and to the point. Him: Yeah, and he doesn’t read off a sheet of paper like some people do (priests who do that tend to be boring).

Him: Did you park on the top? Me: No, on the bottom Him: That’s usually where I park.  He drove into the bottom. Him: Where’s your car? Me: That Malibu over there. Him: That’s where I usually park! You’re usually like one more over Me: Yeah, somebody took my spot Him: I think I’ve seen you get out of your car before Me: You know, I think so too, I saw your car and I was like, hmm…  He pulled up and parked his car, unlocking the door for me. I get out, trying to be as un-awkward as possible (remember all the stuff I had with me?) So I stand there, not knowing how to say good bye. Me: Well, thanks so much! I’ll see you… Him: Yeah, whenever… Me: next Thursday?…Him:….or in the garage *smile*…Me: Yeah! Okay…and I shut the door, and another thing I noticed. He didn’t drive off immediately like some people would, he waited while I fumbled around for my keys, unlocked my car, put my stuff in the back seat, got in the front seat, and locked the car again, and I looked at him and he waved and I waved back, and then he drove off, sorta pausing. Usually I call home before I start my car (the engine affects the phone), but I didn’t want to be rude, so I started the car and dialed home at the same time, and he was going slowly (and went out the the wrong way) and so I started backing out, and drove slowly until my call was finished, it was just to let them know I was on the way home, then drove off too. I was behind or beside his car most of the way home, he adjusted his rearview mirrow, I think he recognized my car again. Then I turned right and he kept going straight.

I hope I see him again soon. I’m taking things slowly, however. I waited for him to initiate some of the conversations, like how the dating advice meeting said a while back. I haven’t written on his Wall yet on Facebook. (He added me a while back, and I had no idea who he was, but he was friends with my friend, so I thought ,what the heck?) Maybe he’ll stop by the library today? 🙂

I had a hard time sleeping last night, I was excited. Then I woke up an hour and a half later, thinking I slept all night. Nope. I thought about him again, and had a hard time getting to sleep. I probably got 5 hours of sleep last night? And it’s a late night tonight, its the city’s deaf club games night tonight.

 Well, I had to just pour this out, to give myself time to step back and think. I need to do that more. It was an instant click between us, and I would love to see it develop. But patience, patience. 🙂 Don’t put too much pressure on him. Let him initiate it, (which he has, twice).

Well, I just spent about an hour online now, I really should be doing homework. I could have finished my paper in the two hours I’ve been here (i’m always here extra early before classes to do homework). *sigh*.