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Man, does time slip by fast! October 28, 2007

Well, I’m not sure when my last post was, but it’s time for a new one, with updates from the past week (or was it two weeks?).

 I went to see VR on Thursday. I guessed she was deaf from the way she writes her emails; you know, me being an English major I tend to be able to guess who wrote what from how they write. They were in good English, just slightly “off”, if that makes sense? Some of the verbs didn’t have verb endings, etc. And when I went to see her, she both signed and talked, mostly signed. So I was right! It was about time I intuited something right! She mostly signed, and so I both signed and talked. It turns out there’s not much they can do for me right now. I’m still in college, and I have a job, and so she didn’t even mention monetary support. Plus I felt it would be rude to ask, because I’m pretty self-sufficient. It’s not like I’m hurting for money, though I am on a college student’s budget. Looking toward the future, however, VR said she could help me then. When I’m ready to look for a real job, come see her, and then they can help me find a job, apply, interview, get, and keep the job, and provide whatever accomodations I might need, like a TTY, or a videophone, etc. Or even an interpreter. I’m nearly at the point when I can understand most of what anybody is saying in ASL, which makes me very excited! 🙂 VR says they also will be my advocate, so I shouldn’t be “dismissed” just because I’m deaf.

 After the end of our fairly short meeting she said I signed pretty well, which I thanked her for. She said that because we had been talking about the Sorenson free VRS equip., and they ask you if ASL is your primary language. She told me to say yes, because I know enough to converse with. So, when I got home, I filled out the app! No idea how long it will take for me to get it, but whenever is okay. It probably would be more useful after this semester, once I’ve finished ASL 3.

There wasn’t another deaf game night this week. Asked him when the next one was, he said he wasn’t sure, but thought it would be in two more weeks. I hope he’s right, because I don’t want it to be this friday! I want it to be next friday, as this weekend I’m going on a Student Senate conference in KC, MO! (All paid for by Student Government, which is awesome!). Plus it’s mandatory, so I can’t beg out of it. So, I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Maybe they’ll also have a Christmas gathering? I’m definitely am going to try to make that one if they do.

Haven’t heard anything from Gallaudet for a while. But I’m kinda doubting I’ll go for a while. I am toying around with the idea of graduating from my univ, then going to Gallaudet for a undergrad degree in  ASL, which will take about 2 years, possibly less. Because then I won’t have any scholarships to worry about losing; I could also possibly qualify for SSI or VR payment then, as well. And also then, I can complete my library science masters while at Gallaudet, since I beleive it is all online. I’d better check into that, though. But perhaps then I could work at the Library of Congress, for a great resume builder…man, I’m getting excited! I think this is probably a better plan, even though I’m going to have a heck of a loan to pay off later. I should try to publish a book, and have it take off, so I can actually afford my monthly loan payments…!

 That reminds me. I’m seriously am considering adding a third major. Yes, I am crazy, thank you for telling me! I have no idea if it will work, or if I will still be able to graduate in 2011 (I’m a sophomore, so technically I should graduate in 2010, but double majors means one more year). So, I’m going to see if I can get an appt. with a College of Education advisor and discuss this. Oh, yeah, the major would be Educational Interpreting. A non-teaching degree. I have a goal of encouraging Deaf people to go to libraries, having signed story times, etc, because it seems like nearly all the deaf people i’ve met don’t read much. I had always assumed they’d be bookworms like me, but  I guess not.

Anyway, the reason why I want to talk with the advisor is because I’m deaf. I’m not necessarily going into it for interpreting reasons; I have a hard enough time myself to understand people! It’s just to further solidify my signing skills, and to learn how to translate stories from books into sign. So, I don’t want to go on a practicum, nor do I want to “learn how to interpret in a variety of fields under a variety of conditions”. I’d fail those things. But this perhaps is a moot point if I decide to go to Gallaudet for the ASL degree after I graduate. But perhaps s/he can guide me in the right direction. Or perhaps I can get my univ to create this program, to attract more students?

 *Sigh.* Okay. So I’m looking into a Deaf World Day event, right? Turns out my committee doesn’t actually plan events. It just basically helps to advertise. And even if I’m liason for the something or other disability agency, I don’t plan events. So I’m going to try to talk to the agency director (but I have a sneaking suspicion that it is a student, and not a permanent one like I originally thought it was going to be) and see what she thinks about this. Perhaps she’ll add it to the list of events?

I still want to raise money for my state’s deaf school museum (the school shut down nearly 10 yrs ago). Currently they’re housed in two rooms that the current inhabitant of the building graciously gave to them. But they want to raise money to fix up the oldest building on campus, to the tune of 1 million dollars. Well, if I can get every student in each ASL class at my univ to donate, say, 2 dollars each, that’s about 200-300 dollars right there. That’d buy paint. I’m going to talk to the guy who’s working on the museum, see how I can go about donating that money.

For honors credit, I can do the TAG program. For honors public school students. I’ve been thinking about teaching ASL for a long time, and now just am feeling like I know enough vocab and linguistics to teach younger kids. But public schools? I hated them! I was so lost and generally not quite “one of them”, though all were nice to me. So I asked my honors program, homeschoolers are like honors students, can I teach them? One tentatively said yes, and I’m waiting on the director to give it the official approval. I’m also waiting on my parish to get back to me; the business manager said I should be able to get a schoolroom for free, but has to clear it by Father first. So, I’m taking the lesson plans so generously provided on, and modifying them slightly for the target audience. And get this: I’m paying $400 in tuition to teach! If I pay tuition for the “internship”, I get official honors university credit for teaching. The librarians laughed when I told them this. I’m afraid to tell anybody else though, because homeschoolers are really nice. They can be cheap, but they do try to show their appreciation at the end of any program, by bringing in sweets, or pooling their money together to give a gift basket. And I would feel weird if they gave me something. I really don’t mind paying, I would teach either way, even if I didn’t get any credit, official or unoffical. So, I’m probaly not going to tell them that fact, because I don’t want them to feel obligated to chip in to help with tuition. That would feel really weird.

I’m glad I went to Mass this morning. It provides a steady hand to my weird life. I was feeling a little lonely. Not for family, or friends. I just keep seeing all these “couples” around campus, and feel a little pang, and my hand light. I don’t have a hand to hold, walking to class. Etc. And even though there are plenty of guys, of nice guys, of nice Catholic guys who are single, okay, none of them seem to have shown much of an interest in me. So, I wonder, is it me? But I prayed in church today before Mass, and then the rest of the day I felt patient (for once!). He will provide, as corny as that sounds. I used to laugh, but now I know it’s true, though I have no “proof” of it. It’s just a feeling. So, part of me is patient. Part of me is still lonely. And part of me is wondering with every single guy I see, “is he the one?” Then the pateint part keeps telling the wondering part to shut up, stop imagining. It seems to only set me up for disappointment.

What seemed to help is that in the ladies home journal, they talked about how daydreaming is good for you. That gave me license to daydream about how I may encounter my future boyfriend. In the library, at the bookstore, in a class next semester, etc. He doesn’t have an official bodily form. I don’t have any hard and fast “rules” about guys. Neither do I have one about him being hearing or deaf. I don’t care, but lately they’ve been about a deaf guy. He must be self-actualized, though. I wouldn’t date a needy, stupid, or absolutely serious/shy hearing guy, nor will I a deaf guy like that. But I did dream last night that I had twins! I was so happy 🙂 I always have loved children. That’s another thing. He must love dogs, and must love children.

Anyway, writing helps too. I’ve been altering these dreams slightly, daydreams, whatever. And writing them up as a manuscript for writing class. I hope they don’t catch on that is actually real, for a fiction class. 🙂

Part of my rollercoaster emotions right now is horomone related as well. Remember how I went on CrMS? I had lost all appetite for nearly 4 weeks, and lost 8 lbs. Starting 2 nights ago, I got my appetite back! That made me happy, but oh great, just in time for halloween. Ate a lot, stepped on the scale this morning, and apparently I’m at 140. Better than 145, but I liked it better when it was 137! So, I have to moderate myself again. Some of it is just emotional hunger…when I was feeling blue Friday and Sat, I had a lot of chocolate, (hot chocolate, bite size halloween candy, etc). I didn’t pig out, but it felt like it since I had been so picky with food lately.

I sorta miss the pill already. Stupid horomones. But I certainly hope that if I hang in there, the doctor will be able to figure out what does all this, and treat the source. I’m just glad he will never prescribe the pill again! From my share of research, it seems I may have a progesterone defiicency, and the pill is largely estrogen, which I don’t need.

Wow, I just spent a long time on this. I’m going to shut up now, and try to figure out how to keep my mind on homework.


Falling in love with deafness October 5, 2007

Filed under: ASL,Catholic,college,dating,deaf,guys,happiness,joy,life,Love,religion — bookwritegirl @ 7:41 am

Man oh man…I feel really weird right now. My heart feels…big. I’m easily excitable. And most of all, I’m glad I’m deaf. Weird isn’t it?

All my life I learned how to be in the hearing world. However, I always felt like an impostor, an actor, because no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be completley normal in EARth. And when I started learning about the Deaf community, I was so excited about learning ASL! But again, I felt like an impostor. Like I was only deaf, not Deaf. I felt as if I could never be completely accepted in EYEth.

My first two ASL classes, I felt that way. Rather sad, and mad and confused and disappointed, a whole host of feelings. Nobody could ever love a deaf person like me, it would be too hard for them, and that they would never understand all the weird little guidelines that help me function the best in the hearing world. Like I say, I have a cell phone, but don’t call me unless it’s an emergency, talk loud, but don’t yell, and speak clearly, and yet people call me instead. How do I explain I understand this guy, but not this other guy? One has a lower voice, harder to hear, plus he sorta talks to himself while talking to me (maybe he’s just shy or something?). The other guy has a higher voice, and speaks confidently, and I understand him. (but no interest there, just fyi).

Then this ASL class. The first time an  actual Deaf person taught me. He graduated from Gallaudet very recently. And…he is so cute! Well, cute isn’t the proper description. Neither is hot. I dunno, it’s hard to explain. But he is really nice and a great teacher, and takes time to make sure we understand, and he is so cute! His whole family is deaf too, I learned.

On a one on one meeting, (he did this with the whole class), he asked me how deaf I was. I said profound, and explained my deaf history, (born deaf, parents didn’t find out until I was two, how the doc said i’d never learn to read, write, talk or do anything at all. He got mad about that too. That’s the great thing about Deaf people, they’re very expressive. I mangled this part, (why did I forget so much one on one?) and I didn’t know if he got this, but i said I had a hoh brother. So the next day I showed him a picture of my family.

At first I was just like, well, he’s a great teacher! Then as time went on, he was still great, but also nice. And encouraging. It’s almost like he’s one of us, and he very well could be. I knew he was cute. But I knew about the policy between teachers and students. And people started saying how hot he is, and I never said it myself, but I merely acknowledged this. I only shared this with my best friend, and my other good friend and I, never saying this, know he’s cute. But recently, it’s developed into a crush almost. A crush on deafness, is what I should say.

I have fallen in love with Deafness. I would love to marry a Deaf guy. (but if it is my teacher, then wouldn’t that be cool? he’s not much older than me, surprisingly. but if it’s not me, then I hope he finds a great d/Deaf wife 🙂 ) Anyway, I think it would be nice to marry a Deaf guy, and have Deaf kids, because then I’d finally be among my own, among people who truly understands. It’s amazing how much going through the same trials creates kinship. I would no longer be alone.

It’s hard to explain. But I feel so alone some days. I get seized by some mad ideas, about going Deaf for a day, or going to Gallaudet, or something or other. But I feel as if I can’t tell anybody this, because they won’t understand my desires. A Deaf husband would understand. I feel desperatly like I want to be fully immersed in the Deaf culture now. But where to go?

Part of the reason why I really, really like my teacher, too is that he’s perhaps Catholic. The sign of the cross is peculiarly Catholic, isn’t it? Well, when somebody sneezed, and he saw it, he did the sign of the cross in the air as a “bless you”. This is different from all the other “bless yous” I’ve seen signed. So I think I can pinpoint the start of the crush. I don’t know, it’s pure speculation. But I wonder…

The reason why I wonder is that I have never seen a Deaf Catholic. One of my asl teachers was Catholic, but she was hearing. That made me excited, because I really would love to see a Mass done in sign. I don’t know. It’s like I’m doubly alone, religion and deafness. Most deaf people are merely Christian because the other churches are more likely to have interpreters, I found. And Catholic and Deaf is like an invitation to a more meaningful relationship with a guy, with the world.

Well, I’m just rambling now, but I needed to write this down. I’m falling in love with Deafness. It is so exciting, and that’s why I have a hard time concentrating right now, because I’m excited. My family doesn’t really understand. My mom understands the most so far. But then I met a hoh ASL student, and we were like, it was amazing how we experienced the same sort of trials while we were younger. Then I met a Deaf teacher, and it really lit the fire to be glad I’m deaf.

“Thanks, God. 🙂 I think you sent me a sign, but could you send me another sign to decipher the first one?”


He’d better be darn appreciative–for women only September 19, 2007

Filed under: Catholic,college,family,happiness,life,Love — bookwritegirl @ 7:35 pm

All I’m saying, my future husband had better be darn appreciative of all I’m going through for him.

Stupid horomones.

My cycles are really irregular, spaced really far apart typically. Perhaps that’s normal for me. But it’s not healthy, because when the lining isn’t shed, it just builds up and turns cancerous. Cancer aside, it would make me infertile. So that’s why my doctor put me on the ABC when I was 14. Quite young, you’re right. I almost wish I’d never gone on them. I tried quitting them completely, because a) I don’t like taking unnecessary medicine and b) I don’t like them as a principle.

But every time I got off of them, it’d go normally for two months maybe. Then it’d start getting very light and irregular again. And I’d get terrible moods. Seriously, I’d laugh one moment, then get angry the next, and right after that I’d cry, for no reason in particular. Last time I was off the pills was for most of my senior year of high school. I went fine for a few months.  I lost the 5 lbs I always gain while on it. Then I gradually sunk into a kind of depression. I also started getting very dizzy–turns out that was b/c of migraines. And graduation day, I was still miserable–I should have been happy, but I wasn’t. Off the pill, I was hardly hungry, too. I actually lost 5 more lbs on top of the usual 5. Everybody was complimenting me! But I wanted to get my body under control again for my first year at college, and got back on the pill. I gained those 10 lbs back now. It was 5 at first, but then after this sophomore semester started, I think I’m gaining more weight. I’m just really hungry. Sometimes I can deal with it. But if I go too long without food, I start feeling faint and a general sick feeling.

And I’m sick of being…well, I know people say I’m not fat, but I feel that way. My stomach isn’t flat. It sorta bulges out. (And no, I’m not pregnant. In fact, I’ve even never had a boyfriend. Ever. But even if I did have one, I’m firmly set on waiting until marriage.) I should exercise more. But I have no time to do so. Note to self: Don’t take 18 credits next semester.

Anyway, I was sick of the pill again. Plus I sorta started a week early, even while on the med! So I went to see a diff. doctor about it today. My gyno just didn’t take the time to listen to me. The pill was the solution to every female complaint. So I, red-faced and teary for really no reason (I’d explained the whole thing to my mom matter-of-factly only the last week…darn horomones), explained the situation. He said that I should stay on the pill. After all, it regulates my cycles most of the time and my moods, it prevents cancer and a few other things I can’t remember. And the other synthetic horomone he mentioned, Depo-Provera, it causes women to gain on average 30 lbs, and he didn’t think I’d like that. (I don’t!)

He said I could also quit cold-turkey if I wanted. But if down the road I got married (he said 5 yrs, which is too long for me), taking the pill up to that point would make me more fertile. That was the shocker. I had heard other women say that they’ve heard of women becoming infertile while on ABC, and I didn’t want that. So, I talked all this over with, with my mom, and she thought that would be a good idea to stay on it.

Not what I wanted to hear, exactly. But now I’ve come to the realization (still under the influence of horomones) that this would be a sacrifice on my part for my future husband. Weight struggles, horomone struggles. All for the sake of future fertility. He’d better be darn appreciative.

On another note, there’s DUI. Driving under the influence (of alcohol.) There should be a DUIH. Driving under the influence of horomones. I had a hard time staying in my lane today. And I never play music, talk or text. I also kept driving 5 miles under the speed limit on average. I wasn’t tired. It was just horomones.

A second note: I’ve come more and more to realize that I’m meant to marry. But where are all the guys? I know of 6 single Catholic guys. D’you think one of them would ask me out? Yes, friendship comes first. But I dunno, are they afraid of being friends with me? B, Z, Jo, A, Ja, Ju…Not that it would be meant to be or whatever, but the irony of it…


Dark and dreary part 2 September 10, 2007

Filed under: college,friends,happiness,Harry Potter,joy,life,religion,school,Uncategorized,writing — bookwritegirl @ 9:21 pm

Yes, the day was dark and dreary, but the rain did get weary.

In the late afternoon, the clouds broke up, forming distant purple mountains majesties, then it cleared to show the bluest sky and the whitest clouds, and my down mood cleared up, making way for clear thinking and cheerfulness. Could be the sun, could be the caffeine, could be the sucessful Pro Life meeting I just had. But now I’ve got new column ideas for the student newspaper, I’ve got ideas for my three reports, and surpisingly enough, I thought of a word somebody else forgot! (Usually it’s the other way around).

I’ve got a better outlook on life. And I’m not so degratory to myself–I actually sang in front of people. Only three people, 1 friend and 2 acquaintances and it was a bit noisy after the meeting, but they didn’t cringe or anything 🙂 and I’ve got people whom on the surface don’t look as they have anything in common with me, but we just harmonized tonight! Yes, I’m still on a different wavelength than the methodical, 100% logical people, but harmony doesn’t happen often. Harmony is a great feeling, leading to great friendships. Somebody said she wasn’t running for vice president, because she has too much on her plate with groups, classes, etc, and I said, same here! We kept pointing an agreeing finger at each other, surprised/happy faces, saying “Yeah,” “And like…” Yeah!” That’s harmony.

 Of course, all my sudden energy and enthusiasm and focus and clear thinking came after the meeting was over at 8, I got home at 9, and now it’s 10, and I’m like, it’s too late to be awake! Oh well. But I came to an important realization too…God exists! It was a down time for me in the morning, in World Civ teacher talked about evolution of religion, and talk of other religion makes me realize, gosh, these people really believed their gods. And I felt rather out of it. Kinda grey and dark. Then I realized that this is a very real feeling, and that perhaps Lucifer is taking advantage of this vulnerability. Like what Luna Lovegood said in the 5th Harry Potter movie, he wants to make us feel like we’re all alone, because then we’re not much of a threat.

That is very true. If we feel like we’re all alone in this world, then we’re not a threat to the devil’s master plan. And you know how I like to be onery. I’d rather annoy the devil than God, you know? Lucifer’s less of a threat, to say the least. God is, quite obviously, the more powerful. He was the one who created the angels, and Lucifer was the cause of his own downfall. I’m not about to let him pull me down with him, you know? So, once I realized this very real internal battle–I can actually feel it when I’m aware– I said a quick prayer to Mary, the Mother of God. I asked her to help me to keep my faith. I remembered Mother Teresa. I mean, Mary never sinned. So she’s the perfect person to show me how NOT to sin. And she’s in a perfect position to petition God and all the angels and saints to help me.

So maybe it was prayer that changed my mood. Becuase it was an almost imperceptible  change at first, but it snowballed. And Now I’m Extremely Happy. Despite the fact I’m still stressed out a bit of school, it doesnt’ seem so bad. Like the pro life group’s president said, (despite the fact our group is non secretarian, non partisian) he said, I don’t know what religon you are, but I believe that God will help us with our cause, no matter how much we have on our plate, He’ll find a way to make it work. And it did work! I almost couldn’t make it to the mtg tonight, but it worked out!

 And now I’d better go to bed quickly, or actually work on real homework instead of writing, but I wanted to tell you guys, like somebody commented to me, we can share our joys too. Not always use blogs to complain. But to show the joys of everyday life, to teach others to take pleasure in being alive. And it is great being alive! Sure, nothing has to be perfect. That won’t stop us from enjoying life. Life is imperfection. And we are all imperfect. We all have bodies, you know? And the heart is willing, but the flesh is weak. Flesh is imperfect. I have an imperfect weight. I feel like I could weigh less, but everybody tells me I look great. My belief is imperfect to, in weight and in faith. People tell me I’m “sweet”. (another story altogether). But I’m like, no….not all the time.

I believe my faith will grow. I believe I will survive this semester. I believe the pro life group will become sucessful. I believe I will write. I believe I will find a boyfriend/potential husband some day. I believe in someday. I believe in the future. I believe in Heaven, and I believe in Hell. I beleive I will always have somebody there to help me through the rough times, and to share the  good times with. I believe.


Pessimistic? May 31, 2007

Filed under: family,friends,happiness,Identity,joy,sad — bookwritegirl @ 3:23 pm

I was going over some of my previous posts, and I’ve noticed that more than a few of them were rather pessimistic in tone.  That got me thinking. Is my life really that bad that all I have to share are sad? Because, really, the happy and the sad balance each other out to create a joy in being alive. I decided to look for another reason for all the pessimism, and I found it in exterior circumstances, rather than in myself. The world demands that I put on a happy face at all times…for the customers, for my family, for my friends, because none of them really has the time nor the desire to listen to all my deepest desires and feelings. And, who, I ask of you, wants to tell everything to everybody? There goes your reputation!

 Hence, my blog. I can rant and rave to people online, people who I most likely will never meet in real life. Thus, I can let loose my emotions, instead of bottling it up, which tends to explode every now and then, without sacrificing my reputation.

 I apologize that I haven’t written in a while, but the WiFi was down for most of Memorial Day weekend, so I’m just now catching up on my thoughts. I hope you all have enjoyed the weekend (thank goodness for federal holidays!). I know I did. I played with my younger siblings, ate roasted marshmallows, went to Burger King, and didn’t have to work, and put off my homework (yes, I’m taking summer classes). It was an idyllic weekend 🙂


ASL dream May 16, 2007

Filed under: ASL,Catholic,discernation,dream,happiness,joy,Love,nun,religion,sister — bookwritegirl @ 9:40 pm

I have a lot of weird dreams. Flying, falling, earthquake, etc. You name it. I’ve even had closed captioning on a few of my dreams, and I even spotted a spelling error. I’ve tasted rootbeer and marshmallows, and I’ve smelled popcorn. I’ve  read people’s minds. I dream in color. I dream like a movie, and I dream I am both the actress and the viewer. I’ve read in my dreams. I’ve yelled in my dreams. I’ve cried and prayed in my dreams. I’ve even signed in my dreams.

But for the first true time, I’ve heard in my dreams. Usually it’s a muffled kind of talking or yelling that is considered to be more of mind-reading than actual communication. But a couple of nights ago, I’ve truly heard. It was a crystal clear, nice, spiritual, uplifting kind of sound. And it was me, I was singing “Amazing Grace”, the first verse, and then “Silent Night”. For Amazing Grace, I figured out–in my dream–how to sign it. I had been thinking it over in my head, but finally figured out how at night.

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see!

Silent night, Holy night, all is calm, all is bright, round yon virgin, mother and Child, holy Infant so tender and mild, sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.

Words do no justice to the peace and movement I felt while singing and signing in my dream. I felt…peaceful. Whole. True. Loved. Have you ever felt a moment when it feels like your heart is about to burst from the love  and joy you feel and give? Like you’re one with someone else, like you’re one with God? This is the best I can describe it as.

Writing this, I just realized something. I had prayed to God one of those futile prayers I was certain wouldn’t really be answered, but prayed anyway just in case He could grant me this one prayer. I had prayed that I would have a nice singing voice, that I could truly hear music. He did grant me this prayer! Through this dream.

Another thing I should point out…I was a nun, a new nun, signing to other nuns, in a church, in this dream. Could this have been an answer to my discernation process? Or am I reading too much into my dream? I wonder.

And I should also add in this same post, I once had another similar dream. Well, it’s not exactly similar in content, but rather feeling. Here’s the post I wrote somewhere else:


One time, I had a dream like yours. It wasn’t a demon per se, I can’t remember what it was, but I knew someone was bad. They tried to make me scared enough to listen to them, to do what they said, but also I knew if I said some prayers, I’d be all right. It took a while, too, to say the words, so instead I thought them. I started saying “Our Father” and then sang the Hail Mary song (you know, “quiet light, morning star, shining bright, Gentle Mother, peaceful dove…”). Then I felt braver for standing up to the bad person, to evil, and I wasn’t scared at all of what that person was going to do to me when I stood up for my beliefs and morals. I can’t remember if I died, but I woke up, feeling really peaceful. I felt glad. I haven’t had that dream since.



Love…for worse.

Filed under: ASL,happiness,joy,Love,nun,religion — bookwritegirl @ 9:12 pm

Sometimes, like now, I feel rather depressed because I’m afraid nobody will ever love me. Yes, my family loves me, but you can’t choose family, can you? They certainly didn’t choose to make me deaf. True, they would still have had me if they had known I was deaf before birth, but that’s not the same thing as choosing to make someone a part of your family. Like a man.

What man would ever choose to love me, quirks, disability, and all? Glasses cost a lot of money, and so do hearing aids, and so do cochlear implants. Batteries cost a lot of money, and so do audiology appointments, and so do regular old doctor appointments for certain reasons, including migraines. What man would willingly marry me if they know I’m expensive? Really, all I ask for beyond regular necessary upkeep are books. Books are my passion, and I’d gladly not get that new patriotic T-shirt from Old Navy if it meant I could spend the money on a book instead. Even then, I love used books! Really, the only books I have to get new are the Harry Potter books, and the last one’s coming out this summer.

What man would choose to love me if he knew we’d most likely would have deaf kids? It’s genetic, as much as I disbelieve that fact. So that’d mean we’d have expenses for hearing aids 3X, 4X, 8X, or even maybe 12 times over. I hate to see how much that would cost, though I’d spare no cost to make sure my child(ren) were a part of the world, through both hearing aids/cochlear implants, and ASL. I’m all for bi-bi 🙂 .

On the other hand, what convent would choose to have me, if they knew they had to pay for my upkeep? I mean, the Catholic Church has only so much in its coffers, money which could be better spent on the truly needy and the most important things. I don’t mind wearing a habit, in fact, I think I’ll look quite good in one. But I get heat-sick. I wish I knew if they had lighter habits, or if it was scandalous to forego wearing one if I was working in the streets in August. There are far more able-bodied people that the convent would most likely prefer over me. It’s not like I shy away from hard work. In fact, I enjoy being busy, with the occasional down-times. I like having a purpose. I like working hard. But if I come with so many strings, work ethic becomes meaningless.

But then I look at Helen Keller, who got even a marriage proposal (until her mother scared off the prospective groom because she felt disabled people shouldn’t marry –i.e., eugenics reasons.). I guess I have to keep an eye out for the man who’ll live out the true meaning of “for better and for worse”, who’ll take the certain worse along with the certain better. The sad thing is, too many believe in fleeting happiness, divorcing at the sign of a bad time, instead of bearing through and experiencing what true joy is all about.

There, I cheered myself up a little. There has to be at least one man among the 6 billion-plus in the world today, who’ll love me. The only problem is, I’m thinking He’s not of the earth.