Just another weblog

Little story update that I promised February 2, 2008

Filed under: college,dating,deaf,guys,joy,life,Love,writing — bookwritegirl @ 7:45 pm

Okay, it’s been a little while, I know, and I’m sorry. I have a lot to do still, but it’s been bugging me. So, if I get this done, hopefully I’ll be able to concentrate! I know I promised to update you on something that may be happening with a certain guy. I wrote about it for a class assignment. This was the very first time we met.

“Yeah,” I said, feeling more uncomfortable by the minute. The numerous overlapping conversations of scores of other University students who were being recognized as “leaders and scholars”—at least, that’s what it said on the invitation—made it very difficult to understand my new acquaintance, girl on the Student Advisory Board member at the other university campus. Not to mention that the foyer of the craftsman-styled home was heavy on wood surfaces, which further amplified the noise. I need to get myself out of here before I make a fool of myself, I thought, and came up with an excuse—I hadn’t tried the desserts yet, and slipped away.

 We met over the dessert trays, in the dining room that could only be adequately described as “presidential;” the room was tastefully decorated with dark wood furniture, deep green walls, a beamed low ceiling, thick drapes, and very thick carpeting, which made the room more sound-absorbent. Sweet, quiet relief. I took my time deciding which bite-sized dessert to try first, when somebody spoke.

 “Pardon?” I asked, turning around to read his lips.

 “Those are delicious,” he repeated, pointing them out to me with a nod of his head.

 I took a bite. “Mmm…these taste like high-end Ding Dongs.”

 He laughed. “Yeah, they kinda do!”

 We introduced ourselves, shaking hands. I was impressed that he wore a suit, in the midst of varying degrees of casualness with the common denominator of jeans. I quickly felt at ease—now I wasn’t the only one who thought it important to dress up! In fact, I felt comfortable enough to ask him “would you speak up please? I’m hard of hearing.”

 We then proceeded to talk about anything and everything and nothing for the next hour. We talked about weather. We marveled about President ____’s house, the spiraling wood staircase, the ceilings, the windows, and expressed a desire to be able to explore the house further.

 “I love old houses,” I said, sipping the fruit punch because I quickly became very thirsty.

 “Me too!”  

 We talked about food, and spent five minutes talking about the hot apple cider they were serving.

 “I love apple cider,” he said.

 “Me too!”

 We talked about school, and I admitted that I was homeschooled.

 He did a double-take. “You were homeschooled?”

 “All the way through high school.”

 “Me too!”

 Activity and people swirled around us as we talked. The sun dipped below the horizon, and the students began to slip away after saying goodbye and thank you to President ___ and his wife. During the first lull in conversation, we looked out the window and realized, Hey, it’s dark! And where’d all the people go? There were probably no more than two or three dozen other loiterers like us. It was time him to board the university-provided shuttle, and my brother was here to give me a ride back home. So we said goodbye, and we both hoped that we would run into each other sometime on campus.

 Outside, I looked around at the dusky silhouettes of the trees, outlined by the bright moon, and raised my eyes toward the stars, silently thanking God for Facebook.


Apology and non-apology January 20, 2008

Filed under: college,dating,friends,guys,joy,life,Love — bookwritegirl @ 6:33 pm

I know I haven’t blogged in a while. I apologize for that. Before I was almost compulsive…I had to blog. Why that changed? I’m not 100% sure. Actually, I am 100% sure. It took me a while to figure out what changed. And then a little while more to examine my true motives for blogging and not blogging.

Okay. I started this blog as a diary, almost. I tried to keep my own diaries, but I felt incredibly self-conscious and stupid. “Dear Diary…etc etc etc”. That very quickly fell out of use, because a) I would have to carry it around with me all the time and b) people are naturally very curious when I’m writing in a journal-type book, with no other textbooks around. Typing on a computer elicits a neutral response. But saving a file or a folder of diary entries? Still felt problematic to me. If anybody found it, I can’t claim plausible deniability. I wanted to disassociate me from myself, as it felt like an attractive idea at the time. I can be myself without having to put on a show all the time.

And it has been helpful. It had helped me to talk things out without ever feeling like I’m burdening anybody with troubles and thoughts that should be mine and thus only my responsibility. Yes, I know, it should still have remained in my mind, my own worries are nothing compared to yours or anybody else’s. And I understand that completely! I really do know that some people have more difficulties than others. (I also know that some people whine more than others. At some point you must just roll up your sleeves and get to work.)

I see my last real post was end of November, when the pressure started increasing and my last short post was December, in the midst of finals. I apologize as I didn’t realize how long it had been. But I also don’t apologize, because I have a fairly good reason for it. Ever since it happened, I’ve been feeling great. No longer do I feel…apologetic, sad, down, under pressure, worried about life in general, etc etc. None of these are right words. I had worried a lot. I generally had been confused. But now that confusion about myself has been replaced with a more lovely confusion 🙂

No, I haven’t mentioned it at all. I was formulating it in my mind, for when I finally did have a chance to sit down and write it out. Then I thought about it, and decided to give this particular bit of news more time. I wasn’t ready to admit it yet. Yes, I’d had a couple of crushes. I think that’s why I talked about it so much.  Anybody who showed a bit of niceness was immediately flagged as “possible”, as I felt…I dunno…desperate? It’s a strong word, but I felt some sort of pressure that I should have a boyfriend, that I should get some dating experience or something. I’ve never dated. There, I admit it. Nobody ever asked me out. Don’t know why. (Actually, I may have an inkling, but I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt that they’re not that prejudiced or ignorant. ) I was feeling quite down because I felt nobody would ever want a hard of hearing girlfriend like me. I know I know, stupid thought. Plenty of deaf/hearing couples have been made.


I’m happy now. 🙂 I’ve been happy since December 8th. I’ve known him since Nov. 18th. It is now Jan 20th. Two months of knowing him. Abridged story coming soon. First, some updates:

I got my new headphones! Not the HATIS, they were too expensive…I asked my audiologist and she checked her listserv, and the other kind got better reviews. Here it is…very very much worth it!

I got it in less than a week! And after having it, man, I was addicted. I decided to splurge on an iPod, though I didn’t have very much musical taste or experience right now. Ordered that the second week of Dec, got it in three days, in time for finals week. It was awesome! And quickly, because of said person, I found music that I loved. Not just because I was thinking I was liking him at the time, but because I really did like the music. Got the iPod nano on sale–refurbished kind–and the color I wanted! Blue! Second gen! (I don’t much like the way third gen looked).

Gallaudet. Hmm… I had decided to put the decision on hold. I had time to decide, I thought. Graduate with two degrees in a few years, go to Gally, get two more majors, then masters, then doctorates. But as much as I wanted it to work, to happen, there was always a little gut feeling that this may not be the best thing for me. That’s why I decided to put it on hold.

Now, I think I will just go right into my masters, although which one, I’m not 100% sure yet. Library science for sure, eventually. But whether to get an English assistantship that pays for all of college plus a stipend for an English masters first or not…I’m just not sure. It depends on how things go…:) Good things, don’t worry 😀 Then a doctorates in something else. Maybe. Like I said, it depends on how things go 😉

Hmm…was there anything else? Oh well, I’m sure it’ll come to me. My next post will be about said reason why I fell out of touch for so long. 🙂


Man, does time slip by fast! October 28, 2007

Well, I’m not sure when my last post was, but it’s time for a new one, with updates from the past week (or was it two weeks?).

 I went to see VR on Thursday. I guessed she was deaf from the way she writes her emails; you know, me being an English major I tend to be able to guess who wrote what from how they write. They were in good English, just slightly “off”, if that makes sense? Some of the verbs didn’t have verb endings, etc. And when I went to see her, she both signed and talked, mostly signed. So I was right! It was about time I intuited something right! She mostly signed, and so I both signed and talked. It turns out there’s not much they can do for me right now. I’m still in college, and I have a job, and so she didn’t even mention monetary support. Plus I felt it would be rude to ask, because I’m pretty self-sufficient. It’s not like I’m hurting for money, though I am on a college student’s budget. Looking toward the future, however, VR said she could help me then. When I’m ready to look for a real job, come see her, and then they can help me find a job, apply, interview, get, and keep the job, and provide whatever accomodations I might need, like a TTY, or a videophone, etc. Or even an interpreter. I’m nearly at the point when I can understand most of what anybody is saying in ASL, which makes me very excited! 🙂 VR says they also will be my advocate, so I shouldn’t be “dismissed” just because I’m deaf.

 After the end of our fairly short meeting she said I signed pretty well, which I thanked her for. She said that because we had been talking about the Sorenson free VRS equip., and they ask you if ASL is your primary language. She told me to say yes, because I know enough to converse with. So, when I got home, I filled out the app! No idea how long it will take for me to get it, but whenever is okay. It probably would be more useful after this semester, once I’ve finished ASL 3.

There wasn’t another deaf game night this week. Asked him when the next one was, he said he wasn’t sure, but thought it would be in two more weeks. I hope he’s right, because I don’t want it to be this friday! I want it to be next friday, as this weekend I’m going on a Student Senate conference in KC, MO! (All paid for by Student Government, which is awesome!). Plus it’s mandatory, so I can’t beg out of it. So, I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Maybe they’ll also have a Christmas gathering? I’m definitely am going to try to make that one if they do.

Haven’t heard anything from Gallaudet for a while. But I’m kinda doubting I’ll go for a while. I am toying around with the idea of graduating from my univ, then going to Gallaudet for a undergrad degree in  ASL, which will take about 2 years, possibly less. Because then I won’t have any scholarships to worry about losing; I could also possibly qualify for SSI or VR payment then, as well. And also then, I can complete my library science masters while at Gallaudet, since I beleive it is all online. I’d better check into that, though. But perhaps then I could work at the Library of Congress, for a great resume builder…man, I’m getting excited! I think this is probably a better plan, even though I’m going to have a heck of a loan to pay off later. I should try to publish a book, and have it take off, so I can actually afford my monthly loan payments…!

 That reminds me. I’m seriously am considering adding a third major. Yes, I am crazy, thank you for telling me! I have no idea if it will work, or if I will still be able to graduate in 2011 (I’m a sophomore, so technically I should graduate in 2010, but double majors means one more year). So, I’m going to see if I can get an appt. with a College of Education advisor and discuss this. Oh, yeah, the major would be Educational Interpreting. A non-teaching degree. I have a goal of encouraging Deaf people to go to libraries, having signed story times, etc, because it seems like nearly all the deaf people i’ve met don’t read much. I had always assumed they’d be bookworms like me, but  I guess not.

Anyway, the reason why I want to talk with the advisor is because I’m deaf. I’m not necessarily going into it for interpreting reasons; I have a hard enough time myself to understand people! It’s just to further solidify my signing skills, and to learn how to translate stories from books into sign. So, I don’t want to go on a practicum, nor do I want to “learn how to interpret in a variety of fields under a variety of conditions”. I’d fail those things. But this perhaps is a moot point if I decide to go to Gallaudet for the ASL degree after I graduate. But perhaps s/he can guide me in the right direction. Or perhaps I can get my univ to create this program, to attract more students?

 *Sigh.* Okay. So I’m looking into a Deaf World Day event, right? Turns out my committee doesn’t actually plan events. It just basically helps to advertise. And even if I’m liason for the something or other disability agency, I don’t plan events. So I’m going to try to talk to the agency director (but I have a sneaking suspicion that it is a student, and not a permanent one like I originally thought it was going to be) and see what she thinks about this. Perhaps she’ll add it to the list of events?

I still want to raise money for my state’s deaf school museum (the school shut down nearly 10 yrs ago). Currently they’re housed in two rooms that the current inhabitant of the building graciously gave to them. But they want to raise money to fix up the oldest building on campus, to the tune of 1 million dollars. Well, if I can get every student in each ASL class at my univ to donate, say, 2 dollars each, that’s about 200-300 dollars right there. That’d buy paint. I’m going to talk to the guy who’s working on the museum, see how I can go about donating that money.

For honors credit, I can do the TAG program. For honors public school students. I’ve been thinking about teaching ASL for a long time, and now just am feeling like I know enough vocab and linguistics to teach younger kids. But public schools? I hated them! I was so lost and generally not quite “one of them”, though all were nice to me. So I asked my honors program, homeschoolers are like honors students, can I teach them? One tentatively said yes, and I’m waiting on the director to give it the official approval. I’m also waiting on my parish to get back to me; the business manager said I should be able to get a schoolroom for free, but has to clear it by Father first. So, I’m taking the lesson plans so generously provided on, and modifying them slightly for the target audience. And get this: I’m paying $400 in tuition to teach! If I pay tuition for the “internship”, I get official honors university credit for teaching. The librarians laughed when I told them this. I’m afraid to tell anybody else though, because homeschoolers are really nice. They can be cheap, but they do try to show their appreciation at the end of any program, by bringing in sweets, or pooling their money together to give a gift basket. And I would feel weird if they gave me something. I really don’t mind paying, I would teach either way, even if I didn’t get any credit, official or unoffical. So, I’m probaly not going to tell them that fact, because I don’t want them to feel obligated to chip in to help with tuition. That would feel really weird.

I’m glad I went to Mass this morning. It provides a steady hand to my weird life. I was feeling a little lonely. Not for family, or friends. I just keep seeing all these “couples” around campus, and feel a little pang, and my hand light. I don’t have a hand to hold, walking to class. Etc. And even though there are plenty of guys, of nice guys, of nice Catholic guys who are single, okay, none of them seem to have shown much of an interest in me. So, I wonder, is it me? But I prayed in church today before Mass, and then the rest of the day I felt patient (for once!). He will provide, as corny as that sounds. I used to laugh, but now I know it’s true, though I have no “proof” of it. It’s just a feeling. So, part of me is patient. Part of me is still lonely. And part of me is wondering with every single guy I see, “is he the one?” Then the pateint part keeps telling the wondering part to shut up, stop imagining. It seems to only set me up for disappointment.

What seemed to help is that in the ladies home journal, they talked about how daydreaming is good for you. That gave me license to daydream about how I may encounter my future boyfriend. In the library, at the bookstore, in a class next semester, etc. He doesn’t have an official bodily form. I don’t have any hard and fast “rules” about guys. Neither do I have one about him being hearing or deaf. I don’t care, but lately they’ve been about a deaf guy. He must be self-actualized, though. I wouldn’t date a needy, stupid, or absolutely serious/shy hearing guy, nor will I a deaf guy like that. But I did dream last night that I had twins! I was so happy 🙂 I always have loved children. That’s another thing. He must love dogs, and must love children.

Anyway, writing helps too. I’ve been altering these dreams slightly, daydreams, whatever. And writing them up as a manuscript for writing class. I hope they don’t catch on that is actually real, for a fiction class. 🙂

Part of my rollercoaster emotions right now is horomone related as well. Remember how I went on CrMS? I had lost all appetite for nearly 4 weeks, and lost 8 lbs. Starting 2 nights ago, I got my appetite back! That made me happy, but oh great, just in time for halloween. Ate a lot, stepped on the scale this morning, and apparently I’m at 140. Better than 145, but I liked it better when it was 137! So, I have to moderate myself again. Some of it is just emotional hunger…when I was feeling blue Friday and Sat, I had a lot of chocolate, (hot chocolate, bite size halloween candy, etc). I didn’t pig out, but it felt like it since I had been so picky with food lately.

I sorta miss the pill already. Stupid horomones. But I certainly hope that if I hang in there, the doctor will be able to figure out what does all this, and treat the source. I’m just glad he will never prescribe the pill again! From my share of research, it seems I may have a progesterone defiicency, and the pill is largely estrogen, which I don’t need.

Wow, I just spent a long time on this. I’m going to shut up now, and try to figure out how to keep my mind on homework.


Falling in love with deafness October 5, 2007

Filed under: ASL,Catholic,college,dating,deaf,guys,happiness,joy,life,Love,religion — bookwritegirl @ 7:41 am

Man oh man…I feel really weird right now. My heart feels…big. I’m easily excitable. And most of all, I’m glad I’m deaf. Weird isn’t it?

All my life I learned how to be in the hearing world. However, I always felt like an impostor, an actor, because no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be completley normal in EARth. And when I started learning about the Deaf community, I was so excited about learning ASL! But again, I felt like an impostor. Like I was only deaf, not Deaf. I felt as if I could never be completely accepted in EYEth.

My first two ASL classes, I felt that way. Rather sad, and mad and confused and disappointed, a whole host of feelings. Nobody could ever love a deaf person like me, it would be too hard for them, and that they would never understand all the weird little guidelines that help me function the best in the hearing world. Like I say, I have a cell phone, but don’t call me unless it’s an emergency, talk loud, but don’t yell, and speak clearly, and yet people call me instead. How do I explain I understand this guy, but not this other guy? One has a lower voice, harder to hear, plus he sorta talks to himself while talking to me (maybe he’s just shy or something?). The other guy has a higher voice, and speaks confidently, and I understand him. (but no interest there, just fyi).

Then this ASL class. The first time an  actual Deaf person taught me. He graduated from Gallaudet very recently. And…he is so cute! Well, cute isn’t the proper description. Neither is hot. I dunno, it’s hard to explain. But he is really nice and a great teacher, and takes time to make sure we understand, and he is so cute! His whole family is deaf too, I learned.

On a one on one meeting, (he did this with the whole class), he asked me how deaf I was. I said profound, and explained my deaf history, (born deaf, parents didn’t find out until I was two, how the doc said i’d never learn to read, write, talk or do anything at all. He got mad about that too. That’s the great thing about Deaf people, they’re very expressive. I mangled this part, (why did I forget so much one on one?) and I didn’t know if he got this, but i said I had a hoh brother. So the next day I showed him a picture of my family.

At first I was just like, well, he’s a great teacher! Then as time went on, he was still great, but also nice. And encouraging. It’s almost like he’s one of us, and he very well could be. I knew he was cute. But I knew about the policy between teachers and students. And people started saying how hot he is, and I never said it myself, but I merely acknowledged this. I only shared this with my best friend, and my other good friend and I, never saying this, know he’s cute. But recently, it’s developed into a crush almost. A crush on deafness, is what I should say.

I have fallen in love with Deafness. I would love to marry a Deaf guy. (but if it is my teacher, then wouldn’t that be cool? he’s not much older than me, surprisingly. but if it’s not me, then I hope he finds a great d/Deaf wife 🙂 ) Anyway, I think it would be nice to marry a Deaf guy, and have Deaf kids, because then I’d finally be among my own, among people who truly understands. It’s amazing how much going through the same trials creates kinship. I would no longer be alone.

It’s hard to explain. But I feel so alone some days. I get seized by some mad ideas, about going Deaf for a day, or going to Gallaudet, or something or other. But I feel as if I can’t tell anybody this, because they won’t understand my desires. A Deaf husband would understand. I feel desperatly like I want to be fully immersed in the Deaf culture now. But where to go?

Part of the reason why I really, really like my teacher, too is that he’s perhaps Catholic. The sign of the cross is peculiarly Catholic, isn’t it? Well, when somebody sneezed, and he saw it, he did the sign of the cross in the air as a “bless you”. This is different from all the other “bless yous” I’ve seen signed. So I think I can pinpoint the start of the crush. I don’t know, it’s pure speculation. But I wonder…

The reason why I wonder is that I have never seen a Deaf Catholic. One of my asl teachers was Catholic, but she was hearing. That made me excited, because I really would love to see a Mass done in sign. I don’t know. It’s like I’m doubly alone, religion and deafness. Most deaf people are merely Christian because the other churches are more likely to have interpreters, I found. And Catholic and Deaf is like an invitation to a more meaningful relationship with a guy, with the world.

Well, I’m just rambling now, but I needed to write this down. I’m falling in love with Deafness. It is so exciting, and that’s why I have a hard time concentrating right now, because I’m excited. My family doesn’t really understand. My mom understands the most so far. But then I met a hoh ASL student, and we were like, it was amazing how we experienced the same sort of trials while we were younger. Then I met a Deaf teacher, and it really lit the fire to be glad I’m deaf.

“Thanks, God. 🙂 I think you sent me a sign, but could you send me another sign to decipher the first one?”


Peaceful moment September 16, 2007

Filed under: Catholic,college,joy,life,religion,school — bookwritegirl @ 12:15 pm

Man, have I been busy this week. 18 credit hours, 20 hrs a week at the library, plus writing for the student newspaper, working with the new pro life group, etc etc etc, this last week felt like it was a month long. Basically, I’m getting rundown. But the one thing I can always make time for (though sometimes I wish I didn’t have to do) is to go to Sunday Mass.

 It’s a musical, peaceful break in the midst of a busy college life, the gentle cadence of up, down, kneel, sing, responsorials, is so relaxing, that I feel recharged. Literally, I do. I was getting emotional and frazzled. Yet I realize, this too, will pass. Soon our pro life group will get many members to help out, and I won’t have to do so much. Soon, I’ll take fewer credit hours, and do more extracurriculars that are more fun. Soon, I’ll have time to exercise.

 But for now, one hour every Sunday morning, I slow down, pause, and reflect. I make time for joy. I make room for God in my heart. I let God take my troubles.

 We had a bell choir today, plus piano, plus the adult choir, plus a flute, and it sounded beautiful (if not exactly professional). And music from Mass lives on past that hour…

Seed, scattered and sown, Wheat, gathered and grown, Bread, broken for all, the living bread of God. Vine, fruit of the land, wine, work of our hands, the living cup, the living bread of God… (this is from memory, and it’s probably imperfect, just fyi.)

 Joyful joyful we adore Thee, God of glory, Lord of love! Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee, op’ning to the sun above. Melt the clouds of sin and sadness, Drive the dark of doubt away, We hail the immortal Gladness, Bringer of the light of day!

 Really, going to Mass weekly is worth it! Just one hour, and you’ll feel recharged…:) Trust me.


Dark and dreary part 2 September 10, 2007

Filed under: college,friends,happiness,Harry Potter,joy,life,religion,school,Uncategorized,writing — bookwritegirl @ 9:21 pm

Yes, the day was dark and dreary, but the rain did get weary.

In the late afternoon, the clouds broke up, forming distant purple mountains majesties, then it cleared to show the bluest sky and the whitest clouds, and my down mood cleared up, making way for clear thinking and cheerfulness. Could be the sun, could be the caffeine, could be the sucessful Pro Life meeting I just had. But now I’ve got new column ideas for the student newspaper, I’ve got ideas for my three reports, and surpisingly enough, I thought of a word somebody else forgot! (Usually it’s the other way around).

I’ve got a better outlook on life. And I’m not so degratory to myself–I actually sang in front of people. Only three people, 1 friend and 2 acquaintances and it was a bit noisy after the meeting, but they didn’t cringe or anything 🙂 and I’ve got people whom on the surface don’t look as they have anything in common with me, but we just harmonized tonight! Yes, I’m still on a different wavelength than the methodical, 100% logical people, but harmony doesn’t happen often. Harmony is a great feeling, leading to great friendships. Somebody said she wasn’t running for vice president, because she has too much on her plate with groups, classes, etc, and I said, same here! We kept pointing an agreeing finger at each other, surprised/happy faces, saying “Yeah,” “And like…” Yeah!” That’s harmony.

 Of course, all my sudden energy and enthusiasm and focus and clear thinking came after the meeting was over at 8, I got home at 9, and now it’s 10, and I’m like, it’s too late to be awake! Oh well. But I came to an important realization too…God exists! It was a down time for me in the morning, in World Civ teacher talked about evolution of religion, and talk of other religion makes me realize, gosh, these people really believed their gods. And I felt rather out of it. Kinda grey and dark. Then I realized that this is a very real feeling, and that perhaps Lucifer is taking advantage of this vulnerability. Like what Luna Lovegood said in the 5th Harry Potter movie, he wants to make us feel like we’re all alone, because then we’re not much of a threat.

That is very true. If we feel like we’re all alone in this world, then we’re not a threat to the devil’s master plan. And you know how I like to be onery. I’d rather annoy the devil than God, you know? Lucifer’s less of a threat, to say the least. God is, quite obviously, the more powerful. He was the one who created the angels, and Lucifer was the cause of his own downfall. I’m not about to let him pull me down with him, you know? So, once I realized this very real internal battle–I can actually feel it when I’m aware– I said a quick prayer to Mary, the Mother of God. I asked her to help me to keep my faith. I remembered Mother Teresa. I mean, Mary never sinned. So she’s the perfect person to show me how NOT to sin. And she’s in a perfect position to petition God and all the angels and saints to help me.

So maybe it was prayer that changed my mood. Becuase it was an almost imperceptible  change at first, but it snowballed. And Now I’m Extremely Happy. Despite the fact I’m still stressed out a bit of school, it doesnt’ seem so bad. Like the pro life group’s president said, (despite the fact our group is non secretarian, non partisian) he said, I don’t know what religon you are, but I believe that God will help us with our cause, no matter how much we have on our plate, He’ll find a way to make it work. And it did work! I almost couldn’t make it to the mtg tonight, but it worked out!

 And now I’d better go to bed quickly, or actually work on real homework instead of writing, but I wanted to tell you guys, like somebody commented to me, we can share our joys too. Not always use blogs to complain. But to show the joys of everyday life, to teach others to take pleasure in being alive. And it is great being alive! Sure, nothing has to be perfect. That won’t stop us from enjoying life. Life is imperfection. And we are all imperfect. We all have bodies, you know? And the heart is willing, but the flesh is weak. Flesh is imperfect. I have an imperfect weight. I feel like I could weigh less, but everybody tells me I look great. My belief is imperfect to, in weight and in faith. People tell me I’m “sweet”. (another story altogether). But I’m like, no….not all the time.

I believe my faith will grow. I believe I will survive this semester. I believe the pro life group will become sucessful. I believe I will write. I believe I will find a boyfriend/potential husband some day. I believe in someday. I believe in the future. I believe in Heaven, and I believe in Hell. I beleive I will always have somebody there to help me through the rough times, and to share the  good times with. I believe.


Pushing ever onwards August 31, 2007

Filed under: books,joy,life,Love,philosophy,religion — bookwritegirl @ 6:51 am

There are so many inspiring and uplifting books at the library—I just finished “Don’t leave me this way: or when I get back on my feet you’ll be sorry” by Julia Fox Garrison, which was both funny and inspiring. We’re a society that prides itself on continuing on forward, and these sort of books and stories are a result of it. Dave Pelzer (“A  Child Called ‘It’”) could have wallowed in self-pity, but no, he made a decision to rise above his history of being abused.


Same thing for Julia, but an entirely different set of circumstances. She had a stroke that debilitated her, and several doctors gave her a grim prognosis, eventually ending with her death. But Julia didn’t succumb to the strong pressure to move out of “denial” and come to “acceptance” of their prognosis. She, too, made a conscious decision to not only live, but to thrive.


Another example: My parents could have accepted the fact that I would be deaf, mute, and illiterate all my life, but instead they operated “in denial” and did what they think would be best for me. Am I ever glad they did.


The reason that so many people are rising above adversity could be like what my former World Civilizations II professor said—we as a society are rising up Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. We refuse to live on the lower levels anymore, to be driven purely by bodily motives. Instead, by sheer mental faculties, we choose to live by our minds, searching for knowledge. We want to realize our potential in life.


The next step is living by our spirits, our souls. That is the transcendence level. When we’re no longer bothered by the stresses of life, we’re actually living on another plane, by a whole different set of meaning.


It’s difficult to swap out one set of rules for another, to move to transcendence. It’s a leap of faith. And faith itself is difficult to muster up some days. We’re so used to living life our way—whatever we set our minds to, we do. We like that simple cause-and-effect reason.


However, there are some things you cannot control, and we have to accept that. The cause-and-effect chain doesn’t include just us; there must be external forces at play, beyond imagination. We aren’t going through life alone, and we can’t be afraid to ask for help. Though the world seems unsteady at times, and life pulls the rug out from underneath your feet.


But a funny thing happens. When your main support—yourself—is out, you have to rely on other supports—your friends, family, and faith—to keep you up. With so much support, it becomes much harder to knock you down. Also, you know what it’s like to be down, and you’ll try your best to keep that from happening again. It’s a part of constantly pushing forward to the future, and not dwelling on the past.


So, when events conspire against you, just like it did against Julia, Dave, and countless others, reach out and depend on others. Live on a prayer. Place your trust in others, for they will see you through the darkest night until the sun rises again.