Man oh man…I feel really weird right now. My heart feels…big. I’m easily excitable. And most of all, I’m glad I’m deaf. Weird isn’t it?
All my life I learned how to be in the hearing world. However, I always felt like an impostor, an actor, because no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be completley normal in EARth. And when I started learning about the Deaf community, I was so excited about learning ASL! But again, I felt like an impostor. Like I was only deaf, not Deaf. I felt as if I could never be completely accepted in EYEth.
My first two ASL classes, I felt that way. Rather sad, and mad and confused and disappointed, a whole host of feelings. Nobody could ever love a deaf person like me, it would be too hard for them, and that they would never understand all the weird little guidelines that help me function the best in the hearing world. Like I say, I have a cell phone, but don’t call me unless it’s an emergency, talk loud, but don’t yell, and speak clearly, and yet people call me instead. How do I explain I understand this guy, but not this other guy? One has a lower voice, harder to hear, plus he sorta talks to himself while talking to me (maybe he’s just shy or something?). The other guy has a higher voice, and speaks confidently, and I understand him. (but no interest there, just fyi).
Then this ASL class. The first time an actual Deaf person taught me. He graduated from Gallaudet very recently. And…he is so cute! Well, cute isn’t the proper description. Neither is hot. I dunno, it’s hard to explain. But he is really nice and a great teacher, and takes time to make sure we understand, and he is so cute! His whole family is deaf too, I learned.
On a one on one meeting, (he did this with the whole class), he asked me how deaf I was. I said profound, and explained my deaf history, (born deaf, parents didn’t find out until I was two, how the doc said i’d never learn to read, write, talk or do anything at all. He got mad about that too. That’s the great thing about Deaf people, they’re very expressive. I mangled this part, (why did I forget so much one on one?) and I didn’t know if he got this, but i said I had a hoh brother. So the next day I showed him a picture of my family.
At first I was just like, well, he’s a great teacher! Then as time went on, he was still great, but also nice. And encouraging. It’s almost like he’s one of us, and he very well could be. I knew he was cute. But I knew about the policy between teachers and students. And people started saying how hot he is, and I never said it myself, but I merely acknowledged this. I only shared this with my best friend, and my other good friend and I, never saying this, know he’s cute. But recently, it’s developed into a crush almost. A crush on deafness, is what I should say.
I have fallen in love with Deafness. I would love to marry a Deaf guy. (but if it is my teacher, then wouldn’t that be cool? he’s not much older than me, surprisingly. but if it’s not me, then I hope he finds a great d/Deaf wife 🙂 ) Anyway, I think it would be nice to marry a Deaf guy, and have Deaf kids, because then I’d finally be among my own, among people who truly understands. It’s amazing how much going through the same trials creates kinship. I would no longer be alone.
It’s hard to explain. But I feel so alone some days. I get seized by some mad ideas, about going Deaf for a day, or going to Gallaudet, or something or other. But I feel as if I can’t tell anybody this, because they won’t understand my desires. A Deaf husband would understand. I feel desperatly like I want to be fully immersed in the Deaf culture now. But where to go?
Part of the reason why I really, really like my teacher, too is that he’s perhaps Catholic. The sign of the cross is peculiarly Catholic, isn’t it? Well, when somebody sneezed, and he saw it, he did the sign of the cross in the air as a “bless you”. This is different from all the other “bless yous” I’ve seen signed. So I think I can pinpoint the start of the crush. I don’t know, it’s pure speculation. But I wonder…
The reason why I wonder is that I have never seen a Deaf Catholic. One of my asl teachers was Catholic, but she was hearing. That made me excited, because I really would love to see a Mass done in sign. I don’t know. It’s like I’m doubly alone, religion and deafness. Most deaf people are merely Christian because the other churches are more likely to have interpreters, I found. And Catholic and Deaf is like an invitation to a more meaningful relationship with a guy, with the world.
Well, I’m just rambling now, but I needed to write this down. I’m falling in love with Deafness. It is so exciting, and that’s why I have a hard time concentrating right now, because I’m excited. My family doesn’t really understand. My mom understands the most so far. But then I met a hoh ASL student, and we were like, it was amazing how we experienced the same sort of trials while we were younger. Then I met a Deaf teacher, and it really lit the fire to be glad I’m deaf.
“Thanks, God. 🙂 I think you sent me a sign, but could you send me another sign to decipher the first one?”