bookwritegirl

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yeah, yeah, yeah… June 25, 2007

Filed under: ASL,books,Catholic,college,discernation,friends,Harry Potter,Love,religion,school,sister — bookwritegirl @ 10:37 pm

I know I haven’t written in a while. But according to my stats, I’m still doing all right! The top posts are about the National Anthem in ASL and the difference between happiness and joy.

 Anyway, summer is busy. It’s supposed to be lazy, I know, but I’ve been cramming in all the stuff I’ve been meaning to do all school year long, and now it’s like a full time job in itself! Redid my room completely, paint, floor, new door, etc. Worked on my story…yet I’m procrastinating…guess why I’m updating my blog? Updated the list of all the books I own…it’s topping 700 books easily 🙂 Made my outfit for the Harry Potter release parties…the book and the movie!!!! getting closer and closer…attended Shakespeare…Perhaps I’ll get my first boyfriend this summer? I can only hope 🙂 This one guy, “Z”, is cute. And sweet. And loves his little sisters. And is Catholic. And supports all the right causes. And likes that I’m learning ASL. And thinks my double major is awesome…and this is the guy with the cool major in art! I almost did that myself…before I decided I liked writing better. I just don’t know, though. Does he like me, too? I mean, he talks to me. He asks questions about me. I can’t believe how stupid I sound, answering some of those questions…I’ve always been really cautious about conversations in general, because I don’t want to talk about the wrong thing (due to my deafness).

“So, where do you work?” <—him    “That sounds great!” <—me   “Uhhhh…” <—him    *blushes*<—me

 Then I get rather flustered sometimes, and forget to ask him questions too…and I’m afraid he’ll think I’m self-centered! Really, I want to learn more about other people (and him, too)! ‘Kay, I understand this may be a simple crush, but I must be honest…I’ve never been in love before. So I don’t know what it feels like as compared to a crush. I’m trying to be really cautious, so I don’t get let down, but at the same time be “available”…But I get excited when he writes to me on Facebook…or when I get a chance to meet him…usually I dread crowds and large groups of friends, but I was excited to go to an outdoor play where everybody was there, just because he was there…:)

Is this pizza love, or is it true love? Pizza love is having a pan of pizza in front of you, and saying “I really love pizza!” but when it’s gone, the love’s gone, too. True love on the other hand….Great distinction, isn’t it? But with people, it’s different.

*does he love me, does he not, does he love me, does he not* does he have a girlfriend? does he even like me? he did say he would come and visit me at work sometime, but that he would have to catch a bus…should i have offered to drive him somewhere? is that why he’s not taking bolder action with me, that he can’t provide on a date if he doesn’t have a car? i should have offered him a ride sometime, because, really, i don’t mind driving if i have to, esp. if it means we have a chance to see if we’re right for each other….but if he doesn’t have a car, then that might me he thinks he can’t provide for me if we’re married, because being deaf is expensive and taxing, not only for me but for those who love me like my parents, so perhaps my deafness scares potential men away because they don’t think they can provide for me and potential deaf children we might have. that’s rather depressing, once you think about it, but someday God will send the right man along, though I’m hoping it’s “Z”! i’ll keep hoping and praying and last night i did the rosary to that end…*

Okay, got this out. You may be wondering…and vocation search has taken a new turn. Now, more than ever, I’m thinking that perhaps my vocation is marriage, instead of religous life. Sure, it sounds great to me, to become a nun, a great sacrifice and all, but it just doesn’t feel right. I prayed a lot. I talked to a lot of nuns on various forums, but there’s no real spark. Then on a forum somebody asked if being single could be a vocation, and that got me thinking…I won’t mind being single! At least for a while. That way, I can help out a lot with my time, talents, and money from my job, since I don’t have anybody to support. Then when I get married, I’ll have lots of kids, adopted, natural, foster perhaps. I love kids. I love doing cookies, reading ,etc etc, though I must admit that sometimes I just get sick and tired…but then, what mom doesn’t?

So, now, I finally wrote a new blog post. I hope you’re happy 🙂 I’m rather pleased, myself. After procrastinating so long, it won’t keep bothering me for a while. I can enjoy my vacation in relative peace. Remember, women’s brains are like computers…we have a window open per subject, maybe several for each subject, and they’re all running all at the same time, and we can switch among them all, sometimes purposefully, sometimes against our will. And they’ll keep running until we do something to shut down the program. Whether it’s cleaning, or writing, or catching up with a friend, I’m gradually shutting down the windows that’s been pestering me since perhaps September…

If somebody reads this and thinks they know it’s me, feel free to both not tell me, or ask me about something, but please don’t pester me if I’d rather not discuss it. But typically, I won’t mind talking about it, as long as you have an open mind and you don’t bring it up in front of other people, and don’t keep dragging it up later after we’ve already been over the topic. This is the only place I can vent without affecting how some people see me. It’s not to say I don’t trust you, it’s that I don’t trust myself. I like being anonymous to try out ideas without committing myself to a certain path…if that makes sense…

 

Some musings on vocations… June 2, 2007

Filed under: ASL,books,Catholic,college,discernation,nun,religion,school,sister — bookwritegirl @ 8:47 pm

Well, bit by bit my questions are being answered on various forums and threads, such as about cochlear implants (somebody knew a sister who got an implant AFTER entering the order). I also figured out that whatever I join, I need to be doing a variety of things. I’ll get bored if I do the same thing day in and day out…yes, I know the prayers are the same and the pattern of day is the same, but if I can teach one day then do some crocheting, then write for myself, then work with the poor, then paint the convent…you get the idea. I’ve also gotten a lot of encouragement from the online community 🙂 One lady said, “Don’t walk, RUN to your Bridegroom!”, and another person said I should concentrate on finding an order that fits your charism and talents best, first, then negotiate accomodations for health, implant, etc. Both of these helped me a lot, and another guy posted a couple of links to a list of all or most of the orders.

I’ve been going through each individual order on the list. Automatic ‘no’s are orders who didn’t submit a description of themselves, and contemplative only orders. I say no to most orders who don’t have a website, but not always (depending on their description). I figure if they don’t have a website, they either don’t have money enough for it, let alone for my upkeep, or they’re too cloistered. It is my belief that nuns and religious sisters should take an active part of the community, raise visibility, and dismiss (oh, what’s the word?) cliches? old wives tales? Anyway, sure, praying is important and vital, and I’m all for it, but you must take an active part in getting the prayers answered. In other words, you have to help God help you.

My emotions and thoughts and feelings have been going all over the board concerning vocations, now more than ever, which is odd, because I have at least 3-4 more years of college to complete to get my degree. Yes, I know most orders don’t require a degree, but I feel I can be more of an asset if I have more of a education and background, much how a star employee can make the company soar to new heights, I want to help the Catholic Church soar to new heights in the world. I want to make a difference in as many lives as I can, and that brings me back to the visibility and modernity issue. Yes, habits are important and vital. So are prayers. But prayers aren’t the only tool availiable to us. Do you think XXX businesses stick to undercover brothels? No, they make porn sites, and use ads to get to the masses. We must use these very weapons to faith and turn it to our advantage…in other words, we must make faith sites and use ads to get to the masses. We must blog! We must podcast! Above all, we must enter each person’s heart, the path which increasingly is through media. This is why I’m keeping Daughters of St. Paul in mind, for media is their charism (is that the right word?). Plus they have a publisher, so maybe I can publish some of my books through there…one only hopes!

I do have more questions I will be asking… Can nuns have fun? I’m a amusement park fan, and sure, while we can’t go every year, I’d like to go every 5 years, maybe. Can I be based at one order, but be a sort of a “floating” nun, so I can travel? Can an order own a dog jointly among the sisters? Can I keep my books and some of my movies? (Not just for myself, but to share). Can I keep some of my clothes, for painting and such hot and sweaty work? If I come down with one of my migraines, is it even possible for me to sleep it off, instead of (unfortunately) morning prayers or something? Can nuns still go see movies? (It’s a good tool to use to reach the young…using popular media as a vehicle for a message). Etc etc.

If any of you readers want to suggest a good order, please feel free to leave a comment! I’m interested in pro life, education, deaf and other physical disabilities, cooking, arts and crafts, children!, pregnant mothers, media, writing, reading, promoting books, helping the poor, traveling…The order doesn’t have to cover all these points, but most would be nice, or maybe if the charism leaves room for future ideas and missions, I’d consider those too. 🙂

 

ASL dream May 16, 2007

Filed under: ASL,Catholic,discernation,dream,happiness,joy,Love,nun,religion,sister — bookwritegirl @ 9:40 pm

I have a lot of weird dreams. Flying, falling, earthquake, etc. You name it. I’ve even had closed captioning on a few of my dreams, and I even spotted a spelling error. I’ve tasted rootbeer and marshmallows, and I’ve smelled popcorn. I’ve  read people’s minds. I dream in color. I dream like a movie, and I dream I am both the actress and the viewer. I’ve read in my dreams. I’ve yelled in my dreams. I’ve cried and prayed in my dreams. I’ve even signed in my dreams.

But for the first true time, I’ve heard in my dreams. Usually it’s a muffled kind of talking or yelling that is considered to be more of mind-reading than actual communication. But a couple of nights ago, I’ve truly heard. It was a crystal clear, nice, spiritual, uplifting kind of sound. And it was me, I was singing “Amazing Grace”, the first verse, and then “Silent Night”. For Amazing Grace, I figured out–in my dream–how to sign it. I had been thinking it over in my head, but finally figured out how at night.

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see!

Silent night, Holy night, all is calm, all is bright, round yon virgin, mother and Child, holy Infant so tender and mild, sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.

Words do no justice to the peace and movement I felt while singing and signing in my dream. I felt…peaceful. Whole. True. Loved. Have you ever felt a moment when it feels like your heart is about to burst from the love  and joy you feel and give? Like you’re one with someone else, like you’re one with God? This is the best I can describe it as.

Writing this, I just realized something. I had prayed to God one of those futile prayers I was certain wouldn’t really be answered, but prayed anyway just in case He could grant me this one prayer. I had prayed that I would have a nice singing voice, that I could truly hear music. He did grant me this prayer! Through this dream.

Another thing I should point out…I was a nun, a new nun, signing to other nuns, in a church, in this dream. Could this have been an answer to my discernation process? Or am I reading too much into my dream? I wonder.

And I should also add in this same post, I once had another similar dream. Well, it’s not exactly similar in content, but rather feeling. Here’s the post I wrote somewhere else:

***

One time, I had a dream like yours. It wasn’t a demon per se, I can’t remember what it was, but I knew someone was bad. They tried to make me scared enough to listen to them, to do what they said, but also I knew if I said some prayers, I’d be all right. It took a while, too, to say the words, so instead I thought them. I started saying “Our Father” and then sang the Hail Mary song (you know, “quiet light, morning star, shining bright, Gentle Mother, peaceful dove…”). Then I felt braver for standing up to the bad person, to evil, and I wasn’t scared at all of what that person was going to do to me when I stood up for my beliefs and morals. I can’t remember if I died, but I woke up, feeling really peaceful. I felt glad. I haven’t had that dream since.

***

 

An update on discernation

Filed under: Catholic,discernation,nun,religion,sister — bookwritegirl @ 8:49 pm

Well, even though I’m seriously thinking about becoming a sister or a nun, lately the scale’s been tipping in the other direction to the other great vocation: marriage.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have a boyfriend, and have never had one, so it’s not even a remote possibility at the moment, but I feel like I’m looking forward to love, marriage, a life-long best friend, children, and a house. The great American dream, I know. I don’t want to preclude that option by announcing that I’m in the discernment process right now. The man of my dreams could think that he’ll never get me because I’m too stuck up to open up to love. Then again, I wonder, could the “man of my dreams” be Jesus?

Also, would becoming a nun scare my friends off? I have a few atheistic/you name its as friends, and slowly I feel I’m setting an example for them, showing them that religion doesn’t automatically exclude peace. And if I become a nun, I’m afraid that it would undo what little I’ve done so far. Not that nuns are warriors, but that to them I’m “so single-minded in my faith that I just had to become a nun”. If that even makes sense at all.

The thing is, like my mom just told me, my “heart is so big” and I “want to save the world”. Her words, not mine. I would instead say that I want to do my part, help out where I can, when I can. I want to help out pro-life efforts, encourage others to read, encourage cord blood stem cell research (which have the qualities of embryonic, but without the controversy and without the risk of morphing into cancer cells), help the homeless, promote libraries, write great books, etc etc. My mom is suggesting (when I told her I was going to join the homeless group that’s just forming on campus) that I pick one issue and devote my time to it. Like libraries and writing and pro-life. There’s so much to improve in the world that I want to be a part of, but maybe she’s saying the world is already a better place, and would improve even greater if we picked one way we can help out, and devote all our energies into that one thing.

 The trouble is, which one? That’s where joining a convent comes in. See, they have so many ways they help out the community and the world, that I wouldn’t have to pick. Or picking a religious vocation, which automatically makes me a part of all the other groups.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m standing on the threshold of two doors. One is marriage vocation, and the other is religious vocation. I have one foot in each room, which prevents me from taking full part of either parties that’s going on in both rooms. And, like anybody else who has been in the same place can tell you, having one foot in each place makes you very, very unbalanced at the moment.

 

Discernation musings May 8, 2007

Filed under: Catholic,discernation,nun,religion,sister — bookwritegirl @ 4:42 pm

I’ve been thinking about this since 3rd or 4th grade, but now I’m finally at a point in my life when I can start the active discernation process. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m saying that I want to be a nun or a religious sister. I’ve been researching off and on for a while—one thing I found is that I can’t find a site that tells  me all I want to know about all the different orders and where all these different orders are around the country and world. (If you know of one, please post a reply! ).

But I am thinking of the Francisians or the Benedictines–but then, they’re the only ones I’ve researched. What I really want to do is to be able to travel the world, go to Rome, Scotland, etc., read, write, help others to discover the joys of reading, be a librarian, be around children a lot, teach, etc. A must is to be active in the community, and pro-life activity is a plus (doesn’t matter whether it’s from conception or at death). The problem is that I can’t find an order that  lets me do all of these!

But I will try to remember to start praying the Rosary to ask for help in the discernation process, and perhaps when I read the Bible over summer, I’ll find a passage that really tips the scale one way or another. I’ll probably write more about this issue over summer, so stay posted! 🙂