I know I haven’t written in a while. But according to my stats, I’m still doing all right! The top posts are about the National Anthem in ASL and the difference between happiness and joy.
Anyway, summer is busy. It’s supposed to be lazy, I know, but I’ve been cramming in all the stuff I’ve been meaning to do all school year long, and now it’s like a full time job in itself! Redid my room completely, paint, floor, new door, etc. Worked on my story…yet I’m procrastinating…guess why I’m updating my blog? Updated the list of all the books I own…it’s topping 700 books easily 🙂 Made my outfit for the Harry Potter release parties…the book and the movie!!!! getting closer and closer…attended Shakespeare…Perhaps I’ll get my first boyfriend this summer? I can only hope 🙂 This one guy, “Z”, is cute. And sweet. And loves his little sisters. And is Catholic. And supports all the right causes. And likes that I’m learning ASL. And thinks my double major is awesome…and this is the guy with the cool major in art! I almost did that myself…before I decided I liked writing better. I just don’t know, though. Does he like me, too? I mean, he talks to me. He asks questions about me. I can’t believe how stupid I sound, answering some of those questions…I’ve always been really cautious about conversations in general, because I don’t want to talk about the wrong thing (due to my deafness).
“So, where do you work?” <—him “That sounds great!” <—me “Uhhhh…” <—him *blushes*<—me
Then I get rather flustered sometimes, and forget to ask him questions too…and I’m afraid he’ll think I’m self-centered! Really, I want to learn more about other people (and him, too)! ‘Kay, I understand this may be a simple crush, but I must be honest…I’ve never been in love before. So I don’t know what it feels like as compared to a crush. I’m trying to be really cautious, so I don’t get let down, but at the same time be “available”…But I get excited when he writes to me on Facebook…or when I get a chance to meet him…usually I dread crowds and large groups of friends, but I was excited to go to an outdoor play where everybody was there, just because he was there…:)
Is this pizza love, or is it true love? Pizza love is having a pan of pizza in front of you, and saying “I really love pizza!” but when it’s gone, the love’s gone, too. True love on the other hand….Great distinction, isn’t it? But with people, it’s different.
*does he love me, does he not, does he love me, does he not* does he have a girlfriend? does he even like me? he did say he would come and visit me at work sometime, but that he would have to catch a bus…should i have offered to drive him somewhere? is that why he’s not taking bolder action with me, that he can’t provide on a date if he doesn’t have a car? i should have offered him a ride sometime, because, really, i don’t mind driving if i have to, esp. if it means we have a chance to see if we’re right for each other….but if he doesn’t have a car, then that might me he thinks he can’t provide for me if we’re married, because being deaf is expensive and taxing, not only for me but for those who love me like my parents, so perhaps my deafness scares potential men away because they don’t think they can provide for me and potential deaf children we might have. that’s rather depressing, once you think about it, but someday God will send the right man along, though I’m hoping it’s “Z”! i’ll keep hoping and praying and last night i did the rosary to that end…*
Okay, got this out. You may be wondering…and vocation search has taken a new turn. Now, more than ever, I’m thinking that perhaps my vocation is marriage, instead of religous life. Sure, it sounds great to me, to become a nun, a great sacrifice and all, but it just doesn’t feel right. I prayed a lot. I talked to a lot of nuns on various forums, but there’s no real spark. Then on a forum somebody asked if being single could be a vocation, and that got me thinking…I won’t mind being single! At least for a while. That way, I can help out a lot with my time, talents, and money from my job, since I don’t have anybody to support. Then when I get married, I’ll have lots of kids, adopted, natural, foster perhaps. I love kids. I love doing cookies, reading ,etc etc, though I must admit that sometimes I just get sick and tired…but then, what mom doesn’t?
So, now, I finally wrote a new blog post. I hope you’re happy 🙂 I’m rather pleased, myself. After procrastinating so long, it won’t keep bothering me for a while. I can enjoy my vacation in relative peace. Remember, women’s brains are like computers…we have a window open per subject, maybe several for each subject, and they’re all running all at the same time, and we can switch among them all, sometimes purposefully, sometimes against our will. And they’ll keep running until we do something to shut down the program. Whether it’s cleaning, or writing, or catching up with a friend, I’m gradually shutting down the windows that’s been pestering me since perhaps September…
If somebody reads this and thinks they know it’s me, feel free to both not tell me, or ask me about something, but please don’t pester me if I’d rather not discuss it. But typically, I won’t mind talking about it, as long as you have an open mind and you don’t bring it up in front of other people, and don’t keep dragging it up later after we’ve already been over the topic. This is the only place I can vent without affecting how some people see me. It’s not to say I don’t trust you, it’s that I don’t trust myself. I like being anonymous to try out ideas without committing myself to a certain path…if that makes sense…