Sometimes, like now, I feel rather depressed because I’m afraid nobody will ever love me. Yes, my family loves me, but you can’t choose family, can you? They certainly didn’t choose to make me deaf. True, they would still have had me if they had known I was deaf before birth, but that’s not the same thing as choosing to make someone a part of your family. Like a man.
What man would ever choose to love me, quirks, disability, and all? Glasses cost a lot of money, and so do hearing aids, and so do cochlear implants. Batteries cost a lot of money, and so do audiology appointments, and so do regular old doctor appointments for certain reasons, including migraines. What man would willingly marry me if they know I’m expensive? Really, all I ask for beyond regular necessary upkeep are books. Books are my passion, and I’d gladly not get that new patriotic T-shirt from Old Navy if it meant I could spend the money on a book instead. Even then, I love used books! Really, the only books I have to get new are the Harry Potter books, and the last one’s coming out this summer.
What man would choose to love me if he knew we’d most likely would have deaf kids? It’s genetic, as much as I disbelieve that fact. So that’d mean we’d have expenses for hearing aids 3X, 4X, 8X, or even maybe 12 times over. I hate to see how much that would cost, though I’d spare no cost to make sure my child(ren) were a part of the world, through both hearing aids/cochlear implants, and ASL. I’m all for bi-bi 🙂 .
On the other hand, what convent would choose to have me, if they knew they had to pay for my upkeep? I mean, the Catholic Church has only so much in its coffers, money which could be better spent on the truly needy and the most important things. I don’t mind wearing a habit, in fact, I think I’ll look quite good in one. But I get heat-sick. I wish I knew if they had lighter habits, or if it was scandalous to forego wearing one if I was working in the streets in August. There are far more able-bodied people that the convent would most likely prefer over me. It’s not like I shy away from hard work. In fact, I enjoy being busy, with the occasional down-times. I like having a purpose. I like working hard. But if I come with so many strings, work ethic becomes meaningless.
But then I look at Helen Keller, who got even a marriage proposal (until her mother scared off the prospective groom because she felt disabled people shouldn’t marry –i.e., eugenics reasons.). I guess I have to keep an eye out for the man who’ll live out the true meaning of “for better and for worse”, who’ll take the certain worse along with the certain better. The sad thing is, too many believe in fleeting happiness, divorcing at the sign of a bad time, instead of bearing through and experiencing what true joy is all about.
There, I cheered myself up a little. There has to be at least one man among the 6 billion-plus in the world today, who’ll love me. The only problem is, I’m thinking He’s not of the earth.